Forgiveness Can Be Sexy

You and your boyfriend or husband are in an argument about something. He said something or did something that really bugged or even hurt you. Maybe he took his teasing too far or was just plain insensitive...it could be anything. The bottom line is: He messed up and you’re ticked off about it. You get angry and give him the silent treatment, and emotionally you go in the other direction and blast him. He needs to know that he hurt you, but you’ve got a great guy and he quickly realizes that he’s hurt you. He looks you in the eye, sees your pain, and tells you that he’s done you wrong and that he’s sorry. He reaches out and puts his arm around you to pull you in close. He wants to hug you and ask for forgiveness. He knows he’s done wrong and he feels bad about it. This is where you have two choices: You can either continue to punish him by pulling away from him or forgive him and reconnect.

Let’s look at these two options: If you decide to punish him, you’ll have the immediate satisfaction of righteous anger. This guy was a jerk and now he’s going to know what it is to hurt you! If you’re not ignoring him, then you’re yelling at him and cutting him down with harsh words. You become so cold, he has to fight off polar bears just to get into the car with you. He needs to know what he did was wrong and that he should never do it again. He needs to feel your pain...how else is he going to learn? How else are you going to balance the scales? After all, you’re a strong, independent woman who deserves and demands respect. If you don’t get that respect, you’re going to take it! He’s going to pay and pay dearly. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, right? Hell yeah!

This all sounds good and fulfilling but there’s a heavy cost. When you choose revenge and punishment, you’re pushing him away and you’re showing him that if he shows deep vulnerability, he can’t trust you. Think about it from his perspective..he hurts you, and he immediately feels awful. He wants nothing more than to make it right. So he really gets raw, man’s up, and apologizes. He’s hoping that you can forgive him so he can forgive himself. If you reject this apology you’re pretty much telling him that he’s a horrible person. Not that what he DID was horrible, but that HE is horrible. It will take a long time for him to be vulnerable and intimate with you again. But you’ll have the satisfaction of revenge. It’s a trade off.

The other option you have is to drop your desire for revenge and accept his apology. You can forgive his insult and accept that he wants to make things up to you. You’ll let him wrap his arms around you and bring you in close. He’ll see that you’re still connected and that he hasn’t damaged the relationship in a serious way. You’ll feel good too, and instead of feeling righteous anger, you’ll feel the warmth of a deep connection and you’ll know that he loves and didn’t mean to hurt you. Most guys, not all...but most don’t want to hurt you. We say something off-color and we think you’ll find it funny but we’re wrong. We weren’t doing it to be mean, we were just wrong and now we feel BAD. Here’s a secret about guys: We actually don’t like hurting you, and it really bothers us when we do. Men are programmed since the cave days to keep you safe and protect you. We don’t always do a great job, but we always want to. So, he’s hurt you and he’s reaching out to you for forgiveness. If you let him reconnect, you’ll feel how sorry he is and how much he does in fact love you. He will be vulnerable and intimate and just happy that he didn’t really screw up the best thing going for him in his life.

I will make a not so little caveat right here: I’m writing about the garden-variety stupid stuff that your boyfriend or husband might do that is hurtful. Abuse and other more serious things need to be dealt with in a more serious manner. I don’t want anyone to think I’m excusing a man who hits his girlfriend or wife just because he apologized.

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