Most men love the chase. In the beginning stages of dating, a woman
who is a little mysterious and seemingly unattainable will almost always
be more attractive to a man than one who is ready, willing and 100%
available to jump into a relationship. As frustrating as this can
be, it’s really just human nature. It’s far easier to accept this fact
and continue to enjoy your own fulfilling life while your guy gets a
handle on any fears or reservations he may have (without any prodding
from you). And the good news is, any man who is worth getting
into a relationship with will eventually realize that spending time WITH
you is actually far more exciting and satisfying than chasing after you, and will willingly move the relationship forward by committing to you. However,
this whole process (moving from the chase to commitment) should ideally
happen within the first few months of dating. No two relationships are
the same, of course, but as a general guideline you should know where
you stand with a man within the first 90 days or so. If he’s not ready
to be exclusive at that point, and you want to be, it’s best for you
to let him know with grace and kindness that you are looking for
something more than he is capable of giving and you need to break things
off. But what should you do if he comes back, promising that he’s changed his mind and now he’s really, really sure he wants a relationship? Should you believe him? My answer is: Only once.
I know plenty of men who, when faced with the prospect of losing an amazing woman, snapped into reality and realized, “Hey, wait a minute! I’m not ready to say goodbye to her over my stupid
fears. Time to grow up and jump in with both feet!” And they didn’t just
talk the talk. They walked the walk. They put effort, energy and heart
into their new relationship. I also know plenty of men who are
addicted to the chase. They like having a particular woman around, they
enjoy spending time with her and especially sleeping with her, but they
have no real interest in getting serious. When that woman wakes up and
thinks, “Whoa, I’m not putting up with this anymore. Time to move on,”
the guy actually gets a little thrill. He finds her confident behavior
sexy, and sees her once again as a prize to be won back. But once he wins her back, you guessed it… he’s bored, disinterested and noncommittal. Unfortunately, I suspect that’s what’s going on in a question from the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook:
What
do you do with a guy that doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in you
once he’s got you dating him, yet he keeps coming back and pursuing when
you let him go? I tried setting boundaries. This time he told me he was
ready for a relationship and pursued me again. I didn’t bother with him
for 3 months, but now that he has me dating him, he doesn’t put forth
an effort.
Maya Angelou once said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them”. In this case, he showed her that he’s the kind of guy who loses interest
once the thrill of the chase is over. He isn’t really interested in
building a deeper relationship with her. Instead he just wants to know he has
the power to pull her into his life, push her out, and pull her back in
again whenever he wants. He’s playing mind games, and she deserves so much better than that. My
hope for this person, and for everyone reading this, is that she finds a man
who considers her a prize to be cherished long after she’s been won...
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
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