Truth Is... (Guest Blogger)

A few weeks ago, I received an email at relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com which was just a few sentences long. After reading it, I knew what she wanted to say. I encouraged her to stretch herself, dig deep, and tell me how she really felt about her relationship state of mind. She didn't give up on what she wanted to say, and sure enough she sent me her finished product. So ladies and gentlemen of the relationship world, I present to you Valencia from Chicago.   

What’s wrong with me? I hear this question from various women and, sometimes, from men. I tend to ask myself that question over and over and over (did I mention over) again, and yet still I didn’t have an answer until recently. Most folks ask this question because...

1. You’re single. 
2. You got your stuff together (financials, health, etc). 
3. You’re cute or reasonably attractive (or at least think you are).
4. You’re tired of being single. 

So, let me help you out with the truth that I learned: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Are there things that can be improved? CERTAINLY. Is there something wrong with you? NOT AT ALL! How did I come to this truth? I really wished that it was easy and it just came to me by some superpower. I wished that I could say that I fasted and prayed, and I fasted and prayed until I came to this truth, but alas, I can’t say that either. The truth is...IT'S A PROCESS and it's a different process for everyone, but my process went like this.

Step One: Learn to LIKE YOURSELF! I believe that LOVE and LIKE are two different emotions. I can love everyone, but not like their personality.  If you don’t like yourself, how do you expect someone else to like you? One can go about learning to like themselves in several different ways. For me, I started with fixing the things about me that I didn’t like about myself (weight, hair style, nails, finances, my clothes, the job I was working, the people I was hanging out with, where I was hanging out, and various other things). When  I changed these things to what I did like, instead of what others have told me is “the norm” and would “get a man” or help me “get by”, I found that I liked myself better. Then I strengthened the things about me that I already liked (my relationship with God, obtaining random knowledge about subjects I enjoy, reading what I want and NOT “literature”, etc.).

Step Two: Be who you are FROM THE BEGINNING! Now this one wasn’t quite as easy as step one because I, like others, didn’t want to admit that I was doing things out of my norm or acting out of my norm. Now some environments do require me to step out of my comfort zone and adapt, but I am still me and I treat people like I would normally treat them, act as silly as I can sometimes act, and speak with the same enthusiasm. Now when I found myself doing some of the things that I wouldn't normally do like:

• talking to someone everyday for hours.
• letting them come over everyday when I like to have my space.
• being serious all the time when I like to crack a good joke every now and again.
• spending excessive amounts of money on dinner, clothes, a movie and clubbing, when I know that I'm more of a home cooked meal, jeans, movie/snuggle, private dancer type of person. 

These are all indicators that I was NOT being me. I was trying to be who I thought the person I could potentially be with (or who I was with at the time) wanted me to be. The problem with that is eventually the REAL you steps up and blows up, and some folks can’t take it. So when I blew up or let the facade fade, people who I thought I was going to date, or who I just knew were going to be my friend ended up not liking me, or even got to know the real me.  I came to the realization that it wasn’t their fault, it was mine for trying to be someone else. So, BE WHO YOU ARE!

Now your process may be different, but if you are living in your truth (I mean the real truth, like ”to thyself be true” truth), and if you're not being fake, phony or hypocritical then THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! I know...I know...everyone’s truth is different but I’m telling you once you get this truth, your life will be a whole lot easier. You won’t second guess yourself. You won’t try to be who you think the other person thinks they want you to be (you’ll get that later). You won’t walk in semi-self-confidence. You won’t man (or woman) bash. You’ll be YOU. And guess what...an original is always worth more than a copy.

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