Thursday, March 14, 2013

You Want Control? Take It!

Have you ever listened to men when we watch football together? We crowd around the flat-screen TV and analyze every play, shouting what we would have done differently if we were on the field. We yell at the referee as if he can hear us, criticizing his calls. We curse out the coach, blaming him for every loss. It’s hilarious, when you think about it: We have zero control over what the players, referee or coach does, but we still analyze every action on the field and seem to believe that every curse or cheer will somehow have a direct effect on the outcome of the game. Guess what, ladies? You do something just as ridiculous. Dating is your sport. You may spend countless hours alone, or with girlfriends, analyzing your guy’s every move. You interpret his behavior, guess at his motives, wonder about his feelings, and obsess about what he’ll do next. You do all of these things in hopes that if you just “figure him out,” you’ll have some control over his actions. But just like men can’t jump through the TV, into a uniform and onto the football field to score the winning touchdown themselves, you can’t jump inside a man’s head and make him think and act the way you want him to.

So what about when your guy starts to send mixed signals, pulling you close and then pushing you away? Are you supposed to just sit around and wait for him to to figure out what he wants? No way! Just because you don’t have control over his actions doesn’t mean you don’t have control over the situation. You get to decide what you will do, what you will and won’t accept. Let’s use an example from the Relationship Lessons Facebook Community: Shayla L says: I met a guy online, everything was great the first month. we had a pretty heated make out session one day, the next day he gave me the cold shoulder wouldn't respond with more than a 2 word text. Later that night he said he wanted to slow things down and see where it goes from there. 2 months later we’re getting to know each other as friends. I made the comment the other day about me sliding into the “friend zone” and he said “you’re not in the friend zone, there is still potential there”. My question is: Does it REALLY take a guy 2 months to figure out he wants to be with you romantically, or is he giving me a false hope that something will come of it because he does just wants to be friends?

So what could be going on with Shayla’s guy?
  1. He could have decided that the chemistry was “off” for him and he would prefer to be friends.
  2. He could have some sort of sexual dysfunction and is too embarrassed to take things to the next level with her physically, which is why he freaked out after the make-out session.
  3. He could have major issues that prevent him from making – and sustaining – a genuine intimate connection with a woman.
It could be many other things, but guess what? What’s going on with HIM actually doesn’t matter one bit. What’s important is what’s going on with SHAYLA. If she knows she wants a relationship, not just another friendship, why is she just going along for the ride, allowing this man to take an indefinite amount of time to figure out what HE wants? She’s giving him all the power. For Shayla, and everyone else reading this blog who is with a hot-and-cold guy, I recommend that you immediately start seeing other men. This gives you the power to call the shots. It allows you to get out and meet people who are more interested in the type of committed relationship you want. When "Mr. Let’s Get to Know Each Other As Friends" realizes that you’re no longer waiting around for him to figure out what he wants, he might just get inspired to actually figure it out. If he knows he might lose you, he may “man up” and fight to keep you. At which point YOU get to decide whether you want to make things work with HIM. After all, deciding what’s best for you is the ultimate control in a relationship.

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