Compromise #1: Accountability
The biggest, and most noticeable compromise one makes when you make
the transition from being single to being married is accountability. As a
single man, so much of your time is spent being accountable to
yourself, and only yourself. If you decide to only change your bedsheets
after sex, that’s your choice. Clean the bathroom once a month,
your choice. Spend money irresponsibly, your choice. Once married, all
of your decisions are made with someone else in mind. You have to
consider your wife in nearly everything you say and do. The flip side of that, is you must also hold your wife
accountable. Sometimes, that’s even more difficult than being
accountable to her. Most men I know, like me, are generally laid back,
not really interested in fighting or arguing. Generally speaking, we
rate peace and quiet over everything, so if she’s done something that’s
only slightly annoying we often let it go in favor of keeping the peace.
Part of holding your wife accountable sometimes means sacrificing peace
and quiet, and having difficult conversations about things she’s doing
that pique your anger or annoyance because not having those
conversations in the moment often lead to huge disagreements further
down the line. The thing you have to realize is that most likely, your
wife is going to tell you about every single thing you do that annoys
her. And as much as it sucks, her doing so will make you a better
husband. If you want her to be a better wife, you’ve got to tell her
where she’s falling short. Do this enough in the first couple years of your marriage and you’ll
eventually settle into a nice little groove where you’re consistently
meeting each others needs and focusing on enjoying each other.
Rebuttal - I think this is why a lot of guys are apprehensive
and adverse to being in relationships. It’s difficult to be critiqued, and it's even more difficult to disturb that peace and quiet that you spoke
about above. Peace of mind is very important to me, and like you, I am
the type to pick and choose my battles. The key is in recognizing the value of the relationships, and doing what’s necessary to strengthen and enhance them.
Compromise # 2: Free Time
When you’re married, you will not have the same kind of free time you
had when you were single. But the truth is, it’s really not a bad
thing. If you not only love your wife, but you also actually like her,
spending a good portion of what used to be your free time with her is a
good thing. One of the boundaries I try to maintain is the idea that
“free time” doesn’t automatically mean “we time.” In most marriages, if
she doesn’t have anything to do, and he doesn’t have anything to do,
then by default, they have something to do. What that ends up creating
is this expectation that all of your free time is to be spent with her.
Where there are expectations, there will inevitably be disappointment. The way you overcome this is twofold. First, you have to create
opportunities to spend quality time with your wife. Schedule dates, meet
up with her for lunch, eat dinner in the dining room instead of in
front of the television, just…do stuff as often as possible. On the
flipside, schedule time to hang out with your boys. Try to go out and do
stuff with your friends once or twice a week from early on. Don’t just
wait until stuff comes up with your friends, make stuff happen. Doing
this early on in your marriage will help create the expectation
that free time doesn’t always mean “we” time, and that will cause the two
of you to not take each others presence for granted and appreciate the
time you spend together that much more.
Rebuttal - I cherish that free time as much as anything in the
world. The fallacy in free time, is that for the average person you
have as much “down time” as “free time”. There is a difference. Free
Time is time that you have to yourself to perform tasks that may or may
not be associated with your significant other. Down Time is when you flat out
don’t have anything to do at all. I swindle myself into thinking that both are
interchangeable. Dudes think that their time plummets into a bottomless
vortex created by their wives the minute they take the vows. Reading
your words, I see that it’s more important to establish a certain
behavior pattern prior to and at the onset of marriage. It’s also
important to KNOW WHO YOU MARRY! Don’t be surprised if you marry a clingy woman and she gets even more possessive after marriage.
Compromise 3: The Television
If you’re a man who likes sports, you’re going to need two televisions.
There’s no other way around it. A typical Sunday during the fall
for men consists of church from 11am-1pm, football from 1pm-11pm and then
SportsCenter 11pm till we start dosing off. I don’t care how big a
football fan your wife is, she’s NOT trying to watch 12 straight hours
of football every single week, and it’s not really fair to expect her to.
If you live in a smaller house or apartment when you’re starting out
like most newly weds and the only legit spaces for a television are the
living room and the bedroom, you’ll eventually run into the “tv in
bedroom, or no tv in the bedroom” discussion. This is one of those
discussions where you have to put your foot down. Gentlemen, you MUST win
this. You need two televisions, trust me, and a DVR too. The compromise
here is that you let her use the big TV, sometimes...
Rebuttal - Let the church say AMEN! Two TV's will absolutely be
the minimum. I can only imagine what the battles will look like
regarding Video Games, lol. I hated fighting for the remote when we had
one TV in the house. I don’t want to reenact a scene of Spartacus with
the wife for TV rights. Concessions will have to be made, and I think
all non-married men will have to accept that.
Compromise 4: Events
I struggle majorly with attending events I don’t really want to
attend. If I don’t want to go, I just won’t go and I won’t feel bad
about it. Even if I don’t have anything else to do besides stay home and
play Madden. The Mrs. on the other hand, she’s a really, really nice
person. If you invite her to something and she doesn’t have anything
else to do, she’s going to go. Most couples I know have this sort of
dichotomy and you probably will too. You’re going to have to compromise.
The problem most men fall into is that they start their marriage
feeling obligated to go to every single event their wives tell them
they’re invited to. They’re afraid to say no. If you do this, eventually
your wife will start assuming that you’re going to everything. I did
the opposite early on. I said no to everything. I wouldn’t suggest this,
but I would suggest not being afraid to say no-often, even if it causes
a bit of an argument those first couple years. It’s better for your
wife to be surprised by you saying “yes” to attending something than it
is for her to be surprised by you saying “no” to attending something.
Rebuttal - I’m surprised to hear you say that. I thought it
would be bad to say no early and often, but I understand your logic. I
think it should be important that your wife knows the type of guy that
you are, and makes expectations based off of that. If she knows you
abhor baby showers,
then she shouldn’t be surprised if you say no. I will say that you
should make a concerted effort to go to some things even if you’re not a
fan. This, to me, is the quid pro quo part of a marriage, or any
relationship of merit.
Thoughts On Why Compromising is Overrated
Relationship experts always tell you that compromising in marriage is
important. And while it is in some situations, in others it’s
actually unhealthy. Think of it like this: Kevin and Keisha are heading to the movies. Kevin wants to see the
latest big action adventure flick and has no interest in the
latest romantic drama. Keisha wants to see the latest romantic drama and has
no interest in the latest big action adventure flick. Kevin and
Keisha compromise and end up going to see the latest romantic drama. That’s the problem with always compromising. Sometimes compromising
means both people win, other times compromising means both of you lose.
In those situations it’s better for one person to let the other person
have their way, trusting that eventually the roles will reverse. You
never want the idea of compromising to become more important than
selflessness. You want to get to the point where if you’re stuck
wanting to see two vastly different movies, you’re insisting that y’all
go see the movie she wants to see, and she’s insisting y’all go see the movie you want to see. When you’re fighting for it to be your turn to be selfless, your marriage is truly healthy.
Rebuttal - Naturally, when the word compromise is mentioned, people think of it
more as a concession than an agreement. No one wants to be a loser. No
one wants to seem weak when debating a platform or ideal for which they
support. You just have to know when to hold ‘em, and when to fold ‘em. I think of compromise in relationships like a game of pickup
basketball. When calls are made (foul, walk, etc.), they can severely
slow the game down. Everyone wants to argue about whether the call was right
or wrong. You don’t have referees who make definitive decisions and keep
the flow of the game consistent, so you can sit there and argue
forever. When you inject testosterone and competition into the equation,
you get a bunch of men who don’t want to look like a sucker, and want
their calls upheld. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t that dude
on many occasions, but I also want to continue playing. So the
suggestion is usually 1) you shoot for it, and if the guy makes a shot they
get possession. Or 2) respect the call, even if it’s a BS call, and you'll
“get the next one”. This way, you can resolve the issue and get back to
actually ballin’. These are easy solutions to end the conflict, but when someone is
blinded by pride, they can’t see the forest from the trees. Sometimes in
relationships, you have to be willing to “get the next call” and
concede your point for the greater good. Marriage isn’t a
utopia. Chris and my other married friends remind me all the time. The
lesson here is simple: Be realistic, be rational, and be consistent in
all stages of the relationship life cycle...
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