Five Reactions Women Have When You Tell Them You're Waiting

A few days ago, I was asked to contribute with the male perspective on "The Good Life" radio show with Russelyn Williams. The question: Are men afraid to say that they are virgins or waiting until marriage to have sex? I wouldn't say that men are fearful, because if he is sold on the idea of waiting until he is married, then there is no fear involved anymore. My concern is for how she will take it when he breaks the news to the woman that he’s waiting until marriage to have sex. Secretly, men would hope that she’ll enthusiastically reveal that she’s waiting too, but this is statistically unlikely. So how will she react? In my experience, the reactions of women fall within one of these five ranges. I talked about two of them on the show, but I created five reactions women have today, and I'll give the five reactions men have on Monday.

1. Shame/Embarrassment - Most women begin their lives with noble ideas about waiting, abstinence, and love, and then later they find themselves having to abandon them. When you tell her that you’re waiting, she suddenly remembers all of the values, ideals, and fantasies that she didn’t end up following through on, and some part of her feels like she failed her younger self’s vision of the world, sometimes making her sad and a little embarrassed. The good news is that if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t assign you enough importance to evaluate herself against your ideals. And if she didn’t deeply respect your decision, she would feel no guilt about not choosing it for herself. If you encounter this reaction, try not to make her feel worse. Do what you can to break the tension and show her that her lack of commonality in that area isn’t a deal-breaker for you. It’s not something you meant to shove in her face; just something you want her to be aware of and hopefully be OK with.

2. Bad Girl Confidence - If she really likes you, but doesn’t particularly respect your decision to wait, she may decide that your waiting status is only a minor obstacle for her; a challenge easily overcome by her feminine powers. She may try to logic you out of waiting, she may try to slyly drop hints at the fun you could have, and she may do these things while being on top of you (figuring that it’s easier to convince you when your big head is turned off). Enjoy the ride, but you should know that ultimately this girl may not be satisfied if she can’t break your resolve. If you remain committed to waiting, she may reevaluate her decision to enter into a relationship with you once she realizes that you are actually serious about the waiting thing.

3. Fake Enthusiasm/Excessive Praise - You tell her that you’re waiting till marriage and she jumps through the ceiling with praise and excitement. She doesn’t believe you, so she triple verifies: You’re serious? Never? For real? She’s amazed. She’s never met anybody like you. She totally agrees with those values. Sexual virtue is really important to her too and she’s so glad that it’s so important to you. She reiterates how important it is to her. She’s practically just like you, she says. Your waiting is no problem at all for her. She wants you, not sex! She’s more than happy to creatively work around whatever line you’ve drawn when it comes to physical stuff. And then two weeks later she drops off the face of the earth and avoids you completely. This leaves you confused, because you thought she was so accepting about it. Waiting until marriage is a serious decision. She’s telling herself that it can work with you waiting, but she subconsciously knows that it can’t. Later, as her mind begins to accept the reality of what your decision to wait means, she will grow less and less OK with it. Do not mourn this loss. Most likely, you did not have a lot in common with this girl in the first place.

4. Tortured Disappointment - This one hurts. She likes you, she respects your decision to wait, but she’s a very physical and emotional girl. Sex is a part of relationships that she’s grown accustomed to, and she needs that connection to feel fulfilled. With regret, she downgrades you to the friend zone, but she feels like a monster for doing it. Getting this reaction from a girl you really like may make you question your decision to wait. All of your senses tell you that waiting until marriage just cost you a chance with a great woman, and by some measures, that’s exactly what happened. Ultimately it’s an issue of affection and personality difference. If she was a slightly different person, she could wait with you. If she liked you just a little more, she could wait. But based on her current personality and mid-grade affections for you, she just can’t. There are other women who would be happy to wait with you. Those women are the ones who have more similar values to your own and like you more than this tortured woman does. You may very well be happier with them, but that doesn’t make this one any less painful. There’s a slight chance in hell that the tortured woman would come around to taking a shot with you as she gets older and continues to like and respect you, but don’t hold your breath. Move on. Most likely, you only morn the relationship that you thought you could have had with her…not necessarily the one you would have actually had. Be realistic about your other differences and you’ll feel better.

5. Relief - You’re on easy street if you get this reaction. As wonderful as it is to find another celibate person, it’s usually anti-climatic when you first find out that you’re both waiting. It’s more often a “Hey neat we’re both waiting” reaction than it is the “Oh my God I’ve searched the world for another and I’ve finally found one” that you were expecting. It’s very rare that you will be completely surprised when you find out that a girl you’re interested in is also waiting. Some part of you kind of picks up on it in advance, usually. And the same can probably be said for her picking up on your waiting status in advance. Even if you don’t date this girl, you’ve found a kindred spirit out there in the world and it will leave you forever changed, in a positive way. You’ll learn much from your commonalities, but just because she shares that crucial quality doesn’t mean you are otherwise compatible. Of course, more often than not you will be very compatible with a girl who is also waiting. Dating a woman who is also waiting is easy and wonderful for plenty of reasons. First of all, you will have virtually no hang-ups about her past. Second, you will have similar values about far more than just sex.

In my experience, it is not the one who instantly praises your decision to wait that will end up being in a long-term relationship with you; it’s the one who takes the news seriously and hardly responds at all (outwardly). When you tell a girl you’re waiting and she barely reacts, it can mean that she’s accepted your waiting status and decided to try dating you anyway. You will often get this reaction from girls who know about your waiting status in advance. Keep in mind though that just because she put more effort in than many other girls doesn’t mean that she’s immune to the pressure of wanting what she’s grown accustomed to in relationships (sex). Give her all the credit in the world for waiting on you, but don’t try to convert her to waiting on her own. Enjoy a great relationship with someone who is very, very interested in you...

facebook/com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/DelvinRestored