We all know that some people have chosen to make Facebook into a
personal diary. Sharing their deepest, irrational emotions about life,
family, and most often, about love. Sadly, those emotions are oftentimes
conveyed in the form of a status. Sometimes you quickly scroll pass it;
but other times, you actually stop and read it for comic relief. Here are the top 10 annoying relationship Facebook statuses:
1. The “Baby Boy” Effect: If you’ve watched John
Singleton’s “Baby Boy” starring Tyrese Gibson and Taraji P. Henson, you
can recall the number of times in which Taraji’s character exclaims I hate
you Jody! (played by Tyrese Gibson). during a passionate disagreement,
only to be screaming his name in fulfillment during sεx in the following
scene. The “Baby Boy” Effect plays itself out on Facebook all of the
time. On Monday evening your friend’s status will read something to the
tune of “Men ain’t sh*t” or “I need a man who isn’t intimidated by my success.”
By Tuesday morning, presumably after her boyfriend has come up with an
acceptable excuse for his absence the night before, she will be singing
his praises and sharing photos of the flowers he sent her at work. Hmmmm….
2. The Tell-All Rant: You’ve seen it…One of your
Facebook friends will post a thesis for a status explaining why their
relationship was forced to come to an end. They’ll go on (in detail)
about how their significant others parents were too involved or how
they are “fine” with the breakup and wishes their former lover well.
It’s safe to assume that this individual was the problem in the
relationship. Their burning desire to “come out on top” (no pun
intended) gets the best of them every time and is exuded in their need
to share every aspect of their relationship with all of their Facebook
pals.
3. The Single Anthem: This is the result of a person who has
been single for far too long and has grown tired of their family members
and friends questioning them about marriage. These individuals justify
their discomfort by slamming those who are in relationships. The Single
Anthem reads as follows: “While you’re cooking dinners and changing diapers, I’m hopping planes and partying. #SingleLife”
You see, this person would actually rather be in a relationship;
however, for whatever reason, they’re not and they want you to know that
you are scum for being in one. Carry along…
4. The Commitment Anthem: Similar to the Single
Anthem, these posts oftentimes exude a false perception as to what is
actually being conveyed. For example, the Commitment Anthem usually
reads: “To all of my single friends who are partying tonight, be
safe. I’m glad I have someone to keep me entertained at home.
#HappilyMarried” If you were to decode the message, what it actually means is this: “To
all of my single friends who are clubbing tonight, be safe. I wish I
could join you, but my husband/wife told me I couldn’t join you, so I’m
staying home. #WhyDidIGetMarried” In a very subtle, condescending way the Commitment Anthem kicks single people in the crοtch and then cries about it.
5. The “I Tried” Rant: We all have at least one
Facebook friend who frequently falls in love too quickly but pretends as
if they’ve spent centuries with their former lover. The “I Tried” Rant
goes a little something like this: “I cooked meals. I walked the
dog. I ran the bath water, but still, it wasn’t enough. I did everything
I could to make it work, but unfortunately, it still didn’t work out.” What
this person doesn’t tell you is they’d just met their former lover two
months ago; and while cooking, walking the dog, and running bath water
are pretty cool things to do for your lover, it doesn’t matter when
you’ve lied, cheated, and/or abused them.
6. The Entrepreneur Effect: This status is usually
posted by a young and ambitious male who has been told one too many
times that he has a promising future. The status reads: “Right now
I’m focused on my career, so I can’t commit to going on dates or
checking in. Sometimes I don’t finish work until 2 AM and most people
can’t understand nor relate to that.” Besides being too full of
himself, he has yet to mature and understand the value in having a
supportive spouse who will provide motivation and encouragement when a
cumbersome project is 40 percent complete with a 24-hour deadline.
Twenty years from now, he’ll be the 50-year-old guy dating a 20-year-old
who is solely interested in squandering his cash. Cheers!
7. The Roll Call: In an effort to garner attention, the Roll
Call status will summon people to like and/or comment on a status if
they are happy to be single or happy to be in a relationship. The Roll
Call status usually reads: “LMS (Like My Status) if you have a good man or woman by your side and don’t need anybody else.” This status will prompt a number of people to chime in and give a “shout out” to the apple of their eye.
8. Paying Homage to Ne-Yo: Singer, songwriter, super-producer Ne-Yo created a song titled
“Miss Independent,” which praises single women for being homeowners, car
owners, having a job, and doing her own thing without the help of any man. Although the
song was released in 2008, some women still honor it and believe it to be the
very core of their existence today. "She's got her own thing, that's why I love her". The Paying Homage to Ne-Yo
status reads: “I have a degree, my own place, and a good job. Why are men so frightened by that?” These
women have been convinced that their success in academia and the work
force should be indicative of a successful love life. Wrong! Besides, belittling
men by telling them that there’s something wrong with them because you’re single sounds a bit delusional.
9. The Mystery Love: Every now and again, you’ve run
across a friend’s status that claims to have a “stalker” and/or a secret
admirer. This individual believes that their alleged stalker and/or
secret admirer will raise their stock and entice others to compete for
their attention. Here’s how the Mystery Love status reads: “This random person just in-boxed me asking if I’m single. Crazy! I need to increase my profile’s security.” What this status really means is, “OMG!
No one has shown me any attention in months and now I’ve finally gotten
someone to pay me some attention, so I need to make sure you guys hear
about it.” You’ll never be able to identify any “stalker” prospects
when viewing their page because...well, the stalker doesn’t really exist.
10. The Facebook Relationship Counselor: Everyone has
an opinion. Some Facebook friends will chime in on a status, drop their
wisdom, answer follow-up questions, and then leave. Others will take on
the role of an expert in the field of discussion and tell (not
recommend) what you should do. The Facebook Relationship Counselor
usually posts this status: “If you ask your partner to do something
and they say no, but when they ask you to do something, you say yes
that’s a problem. Don’t make someone your priority when you’re just
they’re option.” As simplistic as the message may be, we all know
that relationships are far from simplistic. In fact, they’re probably
the most complex form of human interaction. The person who posts this
status is either single or in a relationship that has a slew of
imperfections that they’ve chosen to overlook in their perfect world.
In my facebook lifetime, I'm sure that I've broken a status code or two myself. Ok, maybe three (don't judge me). How about you? After reading these, what can you honestly admit to doing? Think it over, have some fun with it and comment below...
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/DelvinRestored
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