Don’t you just love romantic movies? If only real life were like that. I still remember when I first saw Jerry Maguire in the movie theater. Every woman in the theater let out a sigh as they swooned over that now-classic line: You...Complete Me. Who after all, wouldn’t want a man to profess his love that way? After all the cheesy pick-up lines, lame first-date conversations, practically illiterate text messages….not to mention the mean words; the put-downs and the cruel things men have said that have broken your heart. Who wouldn’t want a man to look her in the eye and say, “you...complete me.” Today, now that I'm in a relationship, I know now that I would never, ever want to say to anyone that I "complete them". And once you understand more about the love lie Hollywood – and society – has been feeding us for so long, you’ll agree that “you complete me” is one of the most dangerous phrases one human being could ever say to another. I’ll get into that in just a minute.
I always attracted and was attracted to the wrong kind of women. It’s funny as I look back on it now, but my list of some of my exes would read like a "who’s who on who not to date"! I can admit now that I was some of these very people that women fell for…so let’s see how many of these are on your list as well:
There was the dude with no ambition - You know, the guy you think is so cool…until your friends and family meet him and say “you could do so much better than him! But of course you can’t let yourself believe them. Plus, as a woman, you see so much more in him than anyone else does!
Next up was the guy who just wants to be friends with benefits -Yup, enough said. You stuck around way too long, wishing and praying that he would come around, change his mind, and want you to be his girlfriend but he never did.
There was the guy with the smoking, drinking or substance problem -Ah yes, so rewarding to have what you thought was a romantic night filled with deep conversation about the future of your relationship…and then he wakes up in the morning, pukes, and is completely unable to recall anything that happened the night before. What a keeper!
It’s no shocker if you also fell in love with the man who cheated on you. And you were even foolish enough to take him back, at which point...you guessed it, he cheated again!
I’m embarrassed to admit that this was me, but some of you also fell for the psychological abuser.
Believe or not, you may have also had a relationship with the closeted gay guy (this one was never me personally).
I once was a bad relationship magnet! And when I was in these relationships, one after another (without ever taking a breather), I would do everything in my power to try to make them work out.
I felt that the fate of these relationships all rested on my ability to become the “perfect” boyfriend for these women. Often this would involve me becoming someone I really wasn’t, just to please them. Even when I would accidentally stumble into a relationship and be the good guy – you know, a decent man who actually loved and cared about her – I would still make the same mistakes. I've been needy, clingy, and wanted to spend all my time with her. Not simply because I enjoyed her so much, but because it gave me some odd illusion of control over the relationship. Like if I was always around she couldn’t lose interest, fall out of love, or even in my low self-esteem, cheat on me. Ugh! It’s so hard to admit this, but it’s the truth. Some parts of my story probably had you nodding your head, thinking, “wow…I’ve been there”. You may even be there right now. And I’m here to tell you that if that’s the case, you can let yourself off the hook, because it’s not your fault.
You have been lied to, and just like me, you – and all people in love with being in love – have been lied to by Hollywood and society. And it all comes back to that seemingly romantic sentiment in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger...“You...complete me”. When we search for love, we’re looking for someone to fill us up and make us whole. We’ve been confused into thinking that our happiness is someone else’s responsibility. So we put ourselves “out there” on the dating scene, hitting the bars and clubs, asking our friends to set us up with acquaintances and coworkers, searching through hundreds of dating profiles online…all in the hopes that we’ll find the perfect man or woman, the missing puzzle piece, our other half, our better half. Well guess what...it doesn’t matter how you choose to look for love. When you seek love from a place within of neediness and insecurity, you’re setting yourself up for complete and total failure…each and every time. You’ve been doing this for years, probably since you started dating as a teenager (most of us have).
So, what’s the antidote to this devastating lie? Here's The Truth. The truth that will set you free and allow you to have the real, true, forever partnership with a man or woman who loves you for you. Well, it’s a two-part solution. Are you ready?
To have the relationship of your dreams, you need to:
- Understand men and women better, and
- Love yourself more.
If you allow me in the weeks to come, we will find out how to do just that. It sounds simple, right? Well, I'd be a fool to believe that it was, and so would you. This will unfortunately take some time. And since it took a while for some of us to get into this mess, it's going to take about that long (if not longer) for some of us to come out of it. Together, we can all find a way to be that perfect person for us, before we can be that perfect person for someone else...
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is really nice to hear a man share his side, because too often women are the one telling other women how to have a good relationship with men, and sometimes we need to here a man's side. I totally agree with everything you have said.
ReplyDeleteI also want to add to that in order to have a good relationship, one must have one with God first. That's the problem some people are never satisfied with their significant other or themselves. There is a place in each of us that is reserved for God and God alone, so when we look for people, place position, or thing to "complete" us and when they don't, we get upset, bitter, angry and blame every possible thing we can because we have failed to seek a relationship with God first.