I must admit that I have never
quite perfected the art of flirting.
It doesn't stop me from trying occasionally, but sometimes I don't know
if I'm doing anything right. You would think that the act comes
naturally but this is not necessarily
so. It seems my direct style of communication does not lend itself to
the subtleties of flirting. Flirting was originally intended to be part
of the dating ritual. In dating, flirtation was used to
communicate attraction without breaching social norms. When used as
originally intended the dance
is quite innocent. Mainly because all parties understood and agreed on
the meaning and outcome.
Today,
flirtatious exchanges have taken on new meaning where often one of the
involved parties is confused about the intended results. After all, it
is the recipient of the flirtation who is the true judge of how innocent the action is. Often
times the "flirter" (initiator) has a hidden agenda that leaves the
"flirtee" (recipient) confused. We no longer live in an age where there
are universal standards for social behaviors. As a result, flirtation
ranges from vague to insulting, and no one seems to question intentions
because it falls under the guise of innocence. Lets take a look at a few approaches to flirtation, and then you deduce if you think innocence applies...
1. I’ve Still Got It - In this approach, the flirter
doesn’t have any interest in the flirtee beyond the exchange. They are
simply engaging in an exercise of self validation to see if they still
have ‘game’. The danger is when this behavior is bestowed on a flirtee
that is either lonely or unstable, they may become confused about the
flirters intentions. This mix could lead to an outpouring of unwanted
emotions like, "he said he would call but he hasn’t, now I’m really pissed!"
2. Testing the Waters -This approach is most often
utilized as a means for the flirter to gauge their chances for success. It
reduces the chances of rejection. The danger to this approach is that it
sends mixed signals to the flirtee. Since the exchange does not lead to
commitment one way or the other, it creates a gray area that breeds
insecurity like, "Do they like me or are they just playing with me?"
3. Genuine Romantic Interest- When a flirter takes
this approach, they're often looking for a way to get a foot in the
door. The danger here is that most people don’t take flirting
seriously, so these exchanges must be followed by some definitive
action. For example, "She offered to meet me for drinks, at least now I know for sure she’s interested."
4. Flattery - I think this is the only innocent
action on the list. The flirter is simply conveying an appreciation for
the flirtee. Since the flirtee is the party that receives the most
validation, there is little risk of being mislead, especially if the
flirter begins and ends the exchange with the one compliment. "Wow, that
compliment really made my day! What a nice guy."
5. Gimme Gimme - This one is usually employed for
personal gain. Better jobs, free services, special treatment, etc. The
danger here is when the flirtee realizes that the flirter is not sincere,
there is no predicting the reaction. Additionally there is just a tone
of opportunistic behavior that speaks to one’s character. "I can’t
believe she was such a gold digger" or "He only wants one thing from me."
So how innocent is flirting? In my opinion not very innocent at all
when utilized for ill gains, in many instances it is down right self
serving. Then again, since I don't know how to flirt right, I just might have the wrong perspective...
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