Over the weekend, LaShaun and I had a chance to open the door to what we've been through in the past 12 years since our marriage to each other. Nothing was off limits, we had just a glimpse at how we failed, and what we were feeling about the relationships we had. Some of it good, most of it bad, but we had to own whatever it was. If we ever planned on being honest and transparent with anyone, we felt it needed to be that way with each other. I've said that I don't want what once was between us, and neither does she. What we had was broken and it took growing up to realize what we had lost as far as the mistakes we made to ourselves and especially to each other. Instead of wanting what we had, what we want is something better, something real, something that is built on honesty. If I can be honest here, I face many days of being afraid...even in relationships. What I am about to list are the realness of my fears. Judge me later if you want, but this is about as real as it gets for me...
- I fear being rejected and not being accepted by my family, friends, woman.
- I fear not being able to provide for my family.
- I fear I might lose my level of significance in the eyes of the one I love if I fail.
- I fear people will find out that sometimes I'm not as courageous as I pretend to be.
- I fear loving myself unconditionally. Sadly, most men never learned love, or saw love. So we love things over loving ourselves.
- I fear being honest because of being judged by people, and having foolish pride.
- My greatest fear, that I am not where God wants me to be, and I'm not doing the work that He wants me to be doing.
- I fear that I will offer the woman in my life my love, and she won’t be able to receive it or be able to return it to me. There, I said it.
- I fear striving too far ahead and not be accepted, and lagging too far behind and be insignificant.
- Men fear failing to the expectations that are put on them by their families, friends, society, the world, church, the news, etc. Men fear love because we are taught not to love in the beginning. So unfortunately, we're playing catch-up with our feelings.
If you look at this and say to yourself that I've got a lot of things out there, I'd say you're right. We all have things out there that are designed to cripple our mind if we let it. I'm just crazy enough to put it out in the bloggersphere because I guess we're all as sick as the secrets we try to keep to ourselves. Now it's time to work on them, so keep your eyes on me as you watch me work...
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