A surprising number of people fear being alone. Maybe just about all of us do to some extent. We fear being without a partner, or friends and family. We fear
traveling alone in strange places, lost without anyone to ask for help.
We fear taking on life without help, for fear of failure. This is natural, this fear of being alone. We’ve all felt it, deep within us, though we try desperately to avoid this fear. And this is the cause of our misery: to avoid this fear of being
alone, we will socialize endlessly, including on social networks and
email. To avoid being alone, we’ll end up with someone who isn’t really
good for us, just to have someone to cling to, someone to rely on. We’ll
eat junk food or shop to comfort ourselves, because these things are
replacements for love.
But here’s the secret: being alone is empowering. The quiet of being alone is joyful. We tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, scary. But it can be
seen as freeing, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to get to
know yourself. This is something I’ve been learning the hard way. I had the fear of
aloneness for many years, but learning emotional self-sufficiency is one
of the best things I’ve done. Sit quietly for a minute, now, and turn inward. Who are you? What are you capable of? What do you think about? Can you accept yourself, when you look closely at yourself? Can you see the beauty in yourself, as you learn something new? As you contemplate life? This is nothing to fear, but to celebrate. Aloneness is beauty.
Traveling Through Life Alone
But isn’t it scary to travel the world alone? To go through life alone if you feel unprepared? Yes, it can be scary. That’s the reason to learn to do it. Don’t know how to find your way in a strange city? Start with the
place you live — get lost and find your way back. Learn to use Google
Maps, then learn to find visual landmarks. Now branch out into nearby
cities. Now take a trip armed with your new skills. Ask for directions.
Learn to be OK with getting lost. Don’t know how to pay bills and manage your life? Start with one
bill. Teach yourself life management skills one at a time. Become
self-sufficient. It’s better to learn to stand on your own two feet than
to have to rely on someone else. If you can be self-sufficient, then
relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness. Don’t know how to protect yourself? Learn to avoid bad situations.
Learn to be aware of your surroundings. Learn how to get away. Learn how
to defend yourself, at least enough to call for help. You’ll feel more
confident in going places alone. Traveling through life alone is a learning process, but you become
stronger as you go. It’s like a child who can’t find his way home alone —
doing it the first time is scary, but he’s safer and better off having
learned the way.
Relationships and Aloneness
Does learning to be OK with being alone mean you can’t be in a
relationship? Not at all — but if you aren’t OK with being alone, then
being in a relationship is going to be fundamentally flawed. Why? Because you become dependent. You need the other person, not
only to pay bills and help you manage, not only to protect you and
provide for you, but for emotional needs. You need the other person to
pay attention to you, to give you validation and comfort and love. Now,
all of those things are nice, but needing someone else for them means
you become needy, desperate, and those aren’t attractive qualities. Who
wants to be in a relationship with a needy, desperate person? Confidence, self-sufficiency, and strength are much more attractive. So learn to be OK with being alone. Learn to provide for all of your
emotional needs. Learn that you are OK, just as you are, without anyone
else to “complete you”. What if you’re already in a relationship? This is what I’ve been
dealing with myself — it’s still doable. It means noticing when you’re
being needy, and backing off. Taking care of your needs yourself. This
is a slow process, but it works. Once you’ve got that down, you are in a much better place to be in a
relationship. You’re now two whole people, coming together for the
benefit of the both of you.
The Joy of Being Alone
Aloneness can be a scary thing, but it can also be a joyful thing. You can celebrate the times when you’re alone. Get to know yourself.
Do things that rely on very little — reading a good book, writing,
playing music, dancing alone, and learning a new skill. Go for
hikes, discover the world without needing to instantly share it online. Be alone and be happy with yourself. You deserve it.
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