One of my regular contributors presented me with three great blogs that I want to highlight each week in the month of October. So from the website La Vida Dolce (www.lavidadolce.com), here's my friend Danielle Gordon...
Relationships are a fickle beast. Sometimes they're uplifting and make us feel like we're on cloud 9, and other times, they're draining and make us want to eat a pint of ice cream. I want to discuss the notion of "toxic/unhealthy relationships". This sort of relationship can be applied to all realms: family, friends, and romantic relations, but I want to specifically address romantic relationships. Unfortunately many of us are unaware that we're engaging in these interactions, because after continual exposure, our ability to decipher what's acceptable or not is greatly impaired. Now, what characterizes a "toxic/unhealthy relationship":
1) Non-Communication - Engaging in conversation with your partner is like getting ready for war. You suppress your opinion out of fear for their reaction/response, or when you do speak up, there's belittlement and blame and unresolved differences.
2) Disrespect - This can be manifested in various ways. Some examples are: completely not acknowledging you for days after an argument, attacking your qualities as an individual, or continually placing one-sided blame. When couples engage in this sort of "tit-for-that", mutual respect quickly diminishes.
3) Lack of boundaries - It's wonderful being a unit with your partner, but sometimes, a little bit of "me" time goes a long way. I've always believed that relationships require a healthy balance of individualism + partnership. The toxicity arises when your partner questions why you may want some alone time, why you spend time with your friends without them, or you pre-empt their disapproval and stay behind.
4) Fail to compromise - Compromise is essential to any lasting relationship. It shows our partner that we respect and listen to them; however, it cannot be one-sided. In unhealthy relationships, one partner always feels the need/is expected to concede while the other refuses to adapt.
I understand it's difficult to realize you're in an unhealthy relationship; no one wants to feel they're relationship isn't supportive and loving. I say this, not to be cliché, but out of experience. I've been in a toxic/unhealthy relationship and acknowledging it was the best step I could've taken.
If you're currently facing this, my sincere advice would be to outline the pro/cons of the relationship - are your emotional needs met/do you get what you put in? Then when you're ready, you can either do the following:
- Stay and work on the relationship - Continuing the relationship is admirable. You don't want to go down without a fight, right? I get that, I like to resolve the issues too before making a major relationship change. If that's your chosen path, use your voice, set boundaries, have a strong sense of who you are, and take care of yourself. Realize that your partner may not change in this process. If you feel there's no progress, then move to Plan B - it's time to say good-bye.
- End the relationship - Breaking up is hard to do. In the short-term there's pain and sorrow; you've given your heart and soul to that person for awhile, but you will be OK. You've taken a huge step towards your emotional survival. Have faith in yourself. Use the lessons learned from that experience when searching for your next partner.
We may come out with some battle scars, but there will be someone waiting for us to show the true essence of a relationship. Always believe in life and love. May we all find sincere love, happiness, and support with a special someone.
Happy reading.
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