"This is not the life I thought would be mine". I know that few people get to
live the life they claim to want, but no one could have convinced me twenty,
ten, even five years ago that at almost 49, I’d be where I am. Don’t get me wrong,
my life as it is ain’t bad. I make a living doing stuff I love, my
home is cozy, my health is okay, my friends are amazing, and my sex life...well, everything can’t be good ALL the time.
In some ways I’m the consummate bachelor I never wanted to be. I have guy
friends my age who have kids graduating from college and high school, who are
thinking about retirement, who prefer watching football to having sex, who
haven’t seen their penises in years, who regard my unencumbered socialite life
with a dash of envy (just a dash). But I’d be lying if I said I’m not forcing
myself to come to terms with the unpleasant reality that I might not have a
relationship of my own. So why am I still single? It's because I refuse to
settle.
No one is perfect, and perfection is not what I’m looking for, but I know what it
is to feel that connection with a woman and get butterflies in my stomach every
time I think of her. I know what it is like to spend endless hours talking,
laughing, learning and sharing. I know what it is like to make love all night to your
best friend, and while it’s impossible to avoid chores, bills and other
necessary items of daily life, I just don’t see the point in getting into an
ordinary routine with someone who isn’t extraordinary.
This is a difficult choice to make, and it becomes more difficult every day.
I see people all around me settling for less for a variety of reasons, and they're all
valid: companionship, child-rearing, sexual longing, and even managing finances. These
are all needs that can be fulfilled with someone you’re not madly in love with, so why not accept a little less than what I really want in order to attend to these
other legitimate and pressing desires? I’ve been married before, so I know how much compromise, sacrifice and
work is involved in maintaining a household. Getting married means giving up a
lot, including the right to act on the never-ending desire to chase women. My
single life is varied and interesting, and I’m reticent to give it up for
anything less than someone who makes me feel it’s all worthwhile, because the
second you settle for less than you deserve, then you deserve whatever it is that you've settled for.
I know many unhappy couples. I hear the complaints: the boredom, the petty
arguments, the vague dissatisfaction, the lousy sex, the abuse. I also know
many happy couples; real friends who love spending time with each other, whose
passion for each other does not diminish over time under the weight of adult
responsibilities. The difference is, happy couples are the ones who
didn’t settle. They married because they fell and stayed madly in love. The choice to stick together and make it work is a conscious one, and one
you can't make with just anyone. No matter how much you love (or barely
tolerate) someone, there are going to be challenges you will have to face
together. If you are going to go through all of the problems that marriage brings
in one way or another, why go through it with someone you don’t absolutely adore? Why
not go through all of that with someone you’re crazy about?
The decision not to settle means I spend an inordinate amount of time alone.
It means I have no one to help me with bills, no one to tell how my day went, to do laundry for me if I’m tired or to do if she's tired,
no movie buddy, no holding me close at night, and no healthy evolving
sexual relationship. It also means I have no one person I can share all of the
good in my life with. And as each year passes and I grow smarter and more
emotionally and financially stable, I drastically reduce the statistical
possibility of finding a partner who meets my qualifications. It also means I don't have to put up with anyone’s bullshit but my own. Sure being
single sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy alone
than unhappy with someone who’s not right for me; I’ve done that before and I know I’m
risking living alone, but life is a risk, and it’s only
the people who are willing to take real chances who get the real rewards.
I want to make the most money I can make, do the best job I can do,
spend time with the best people I can find, and live in the best home I can
afford. Why would I treat my love life with any less respect than the rest of
my life? I love a challenge, and it is far more challenging (and more
satisfying) to try to seduce one woman night after night than a different woman
every night. I don’t want just a relationship; I want a great relationship, and
great relationships are a lot like baking: you need the right mix of
ingredients, heat, and time. If I don’t try to get the best for me,
then who will?
It might sound like I want a fairy tale, but I’m just not ready to give up
on what I want out of life and love. I’m still looking for the upside: I still
want to believe I will love again. Does anyone really want to wake up every
morning, roll over, look deeply into their partner’s eyes and say “honey, I’m
so glad I settled for you?” Does any woman ever want to be thought of as “the one he
settled for” rather than “the one he waited for?”
"This is not the life I thought would be mine", but the life I want is still
out there hoping that I don’t settle, hoping that I don’t give up on it. I
refuse to settle, and as hard as it is, I’m willing to wait for the things I want
and feel I deserve out of life. On the other hand, I sure wouldn’t complain at all if
life decided to hurry the hell up either...
relationshiplessons.net
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