I met a girl once. She changed my life. Whether it was changed for better or for worse is
still to be decided, but I won’t be able to decide that until the last domino falls. We
split up years ago, but not until recently did I have to accept that it was
actually over. I held on to the idea that one day we would find each other and
finally be ready to make it work, start our lives together and be happy. Although it never got off the ground, we went our separate ways but I never completely let go. It took some time for me
to realize how much she meant to me, and how much she changed my life.
Most recently, I experienced another sharp change to my reality. I was under
the impression I would love this woman forever, and that our lives would forever be
intertwined. Although that may possibly have been the case, I now realize I
can’t allow it. I can’t let myself love her forever because it will destroy me.
We have two sets of realities that we must deal with. We have (1) the world
outside of us, and we have (2) the reality within us. It’s possible to love
someone your entire life without ever ending up together. It’s possible for the
reality that you’ve created inside your head, and the love that you feel, to
coexist with a physical reality that greatly differs. You can love someone
forever without ever having that love returned. When you conclude this is the
destiny awaiting you, you have to force yourself in a different direction, and
force a shift in your reality. Could I love her forever? Yes. Will we be
together, ever? No. Sometimes “forever” isn’t really forever.
Loving is a decision, and so is not loving. Your world, your reality, is composed of your thoughts and emotions. The two
are closely related, but differ. Our thoughts consist of our beliefs, ideas,
dreams and wishes. What we want out of life and how we want to spend the
little time we have, all makes us the individuals we are. Our thoughts are what
trigger our emotions. We think and feel or perceive, then think and feel. It
all starts with what we allow our minds to focus on. When you realize that the
forever you had in mind isn’t a possibility, you need to change your way of
thinking. Some people find a way to hate the person they loved, but unfortunately,
not all of us have that luxury. Sometimes you can’t hate him or her because there is nothing to hate, other
than the fact that he or she doesn’t love you. It’s difficult to hate someone
for not doing something, but nevertheless, you don’t have to change the
way you think so much as what or whom you think about. This is why people
like distractions so much. However, most of what we believe to be a distraction
ends up doing more harm than good. If you don’t want to think about the
“forever” that you just lost then catch yourself every time that you do, and
think about something else. Sounds easy, right? Yeah…
The deeper the love, the more difficult and painful it will be to break
yourself free of it. I’ve been in and out of love for decades, so I likely have a lot more work
to do than most of you, but if I could manage to make it through this, so can
you. In any case, the more you love this individual, the more difficult it will
be to move on with your life. You don’t know agony until you’ve seen your
“forever” die in front of your eyes. It isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a
suffering that takes over your entire reality, time and time again, before
burrowing back into the depths of your soul while it waits for a trigger to
call it forth once more. It’s going to be difficult, and there’s no
sugarcoating it. The deeper the love, the more focus will be required to make
that shift in reality that you need to make. It’s going to hurt and it’s going
to hurt a hell of a lot. But as someone once told me: There is beauty in all
that we experience in life, both the good and the bad. The only way to live
happily is to see all the shades of beauty for what they are and embrace them
as your own.
Take control of your life, or risk it taking you down a dark path. This is your life. It’s a reality that exists in your mind and your mind
alone. No one else can alter it for you. You have to take charge and make
things happen for yourself. Making such a change in our realities is incredibly
difficult, especially when it comes to love. Love has a way of changing our
reality as a whole, making us understand and perceive things differently. But
there is one thing that I will say, no matter how much it tears me up inside to
see how things have played out, I wouldn’t change my past. I will never wish I
hadn’t fallen for her because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without
her. It’s actually sort of funny if you think about it; she helped create a person
she has no future with, but I do have a great future ahead of me, and so do you
if you allow yourself to. You can’t let the pain and agony keep you down.
Believe me when I tell you, it will do its best to drag you through the mud and
bury you alive. We’re stronger than that. This is a fight each of us is capable
of winning. The key is to put up a fight. I know how enticing it can be to allow
the pain you feel to carry you away. It makes us feel alive. It makes us feel real.
Life is but a boundless possibility. You can crawl into a hole and hope that
the world ends, or you can decide to live. You can cry, scream, and punish yourself, or
you can force another reality upon yourself. You have the strength and the
ability to do so. You just need to decide to do so, every minute of every day,
until your world changes without you even realizing it…
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