I received the following question from a handful of people over the past week,
and figured I’d post my answer publicly:
“I’m really starting to fall for someone, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. Is there anything I should be watching out for? Are there common traps that people fall into?”
There’s nothing like the exhilarating rush of new love. Your brain
is being flooded with huge hits of happy chemicals, and it can feel like you’re
high around the clock.
- What are they doing?
- Are they thinking of me right now?
- Whatever they’re doing, I hope they’re happy.
- What would we fight about long term?
- Am I already being too clingy?
- How do our names sound together?
- Should I not have texted them that thing yesterday?
- Where would our ideal vacation be?
- Do they like the same hobbies as me?
Our minds run rampant doing mental gymnastics about our new love
interest. To help you keep your feet (somewhat) grounded during this new and
exciting phase, here are three things to remember when you’re falling in
love with someone new.
1. You’re allowed to be excited - Yes, you are going to be distracted as thoughts of them race
through your mind, and that’s totally fine. Going into a new relationship is an
exciting transitional period. You’re allowed to be happy, giddy, distracted and
joyful about it. Instead of resisting it or trying to rationalize it, you
should be embracing it. Let the excitement run its course through your body.
Every emotion you experience is there for a reason, and this blast of
excitement is likely there to teach you that “this one” matters. You care about
“this one”, so go ahead and lean into it.
2. You’re allowed to feel some anxiety - Along with the rush of excitement that comes with a new love
interest, you’re also likely to feel some combination of nerves or anxiety. Opening
up to a new partner can trigger a lot of fear, worries, and anxiety in people.
Maybe you worry that they’re too good to be true, or that they won’t like you
back. Love is a risk, it always is, and just like the excitement we just
touched on, you’re also allowed to embrace the anxiety. You can welcome it into
your body and tell it “You have a home here. Thank you for looking out for me”.
That’s not to say that you’ll necessarily want to let that emotion run your
mind and all of your thoughts, but there’s no point in denying its existence in
your body.
3. Don’t let your life fall to the wayside - Some people have a tendency to drop their friends, family,
obligations, and interests when they start seeing someone new. I understand how
seductive this pattern is (you want to see them, touch them, and taste them all
the time) but it isn’t serving you or the building of your budding relationship’s
foundation. It’s important to keep doing the things that make you happy that
aren’t tied to your new significant other. If 100% of your emotional
fulfillment comes from your new partner, you could eventually start to resent
them for taking up so much of your time and they could begin to feel stifled by
you, knowing full well that they provide the majority of your happiness. We all
need multiple pathways to joy and fulfillment. And while there’s nothing wrong
being with a partner who you feel happy to be around, you should also
experience joy from other sources in your life.
If this point is particularly difficult for you, proactively reach
out to one or two of your closest friends and explicitly tell them “Hey, I’m
starting to fall for this person and I want to make sure that I keep being me
and I don’t get completely sucked into it, and I also value our friendship and
want to continue to invest in it. Can you help keep me accountable to hanging
out with you every week or two, just to make sure that I’m not just spending
time with (your new love interest’s name here)? That would help me out a lot”.
Keep doing the things that make you want to be you, and keep
seeing the people who you feel lit up by in your relationship with your significant
other and outside of it, and your relationship will thank you…
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