Dating, as many women will tell you, can be a great big steaming pile of suck.
Men can be so rude, so thoughtless. They text you late at night with
one thing on their minds. Or they don’t text at all. They’re losers.
They’re players. They’re immature. They’re assholes.
Ok, I'll give you that, but what about women?
It’s easy to point your finger in the male direction for the general
demise of dating, but that overlooks a solid half of the equation. And frankly, I’ve seen some dating behaviors that makes me think women might be earning more than their half the blame.
- A friend arranged to meet an online date who drove an hour and a half to take her to dinner. She showed up 20 minutes late, with an entourage of girlfriends in tow. She then told him she’d already eaten and she and her posse left 15 minutes later when she decided he was boring. She never saw the guy again.
- A friend told me about a woman he went out with, who spent the entire second date talking about how she was still in love with her ex and then let him pick up the tab.
- Another friend said “yes” to a guy she had zero interest in because she couldn’t afford to eat out and he’d offered to treat. Then, she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.
- One woman showed up for a blind date, but when she caught sight of the guy carrying a few more pounds than promised, she bailed before he saw her.
Women slam men for minor imperfections (one friend immediately
dismissed a nice guy she met at a park because “he had Hobbit feet”)
even imperfections women would want men to overlook in them, like bad breath or a
beater car or the absence of a six-pack (or any pack). Women ghost them after a few dates; or worse, sometimes in the midst of an actual relationship.
One friend of mine rules guys out after about two minutes, based
on their initial conversation, depending on whether they were wordy or
nerdy or dumb. But you know what? Dating is terrifying! Is it so hard to imagine someone who’s nervous about meeting you,
might have temporary verbal diarrhea, or that he might inadvertently try
to show off his encyclopedic knowledge of Marvel movies? Or that he
just might be unable to come out with anything remotely witty? God knows, I’ve had plenty of dates where I couldn’t seem to shut up
about inane things. When I’m nervous, sometimes I let the verbal faucet run. But give me a few minutes to
relax and I can actually be fairly interesting. As are most of us, if we take the time to get to know someone.
I’m not saying giving every guy a chance will result in true love,
but at least you’ll find out by seeing who he actually is when he’s not
worried about what kind of snap judgment you might be making. Frankly, the best guys don’t always burst out of the gate at top speed. Sometimes the sprinters flame out before the finish line. It’s the slow, steady ones who win the race.
Our standards can be insanely high from date one. Who can offer their
best in the swipe-left, knee-jerk dismissals most of us make on the
spot? How do you even know who this person is? Look, I’ve done a lot of dating. I know that after a while, you grow
armor to protect yourself against some of the appalling things people do in
the dating world.
I’ve seen guys openly scope out another woman’s boobs while sitting at
a table with their date. One woman ignored me for half the entire date because her
cell phone didn’t stop ringing, and she didn’t stop answering it. She texted me a lame apology hours later, in the middle of the
night. Another woman stopped seeing me after some months of getting to know each other when I told her I was becoming attracted to her. You get defensive, you do, but to turn around and do that to someone even if it feels
like a solid preemptive move, isn’t the way to find someone who won’t do
those things. There really is such a thing as karma. I'm a living relationship witness; if you’re crappy to someone, I
promise you, sooner rather than later, someone is going to be crappy to
you. And while I'm on my mini blogger-rant, having a string of guys in your past who did you wrong doesn’t
give you retroactive credit to pay the nasty forward. That’s like painting
every new guy you meet with the same dirty, matted, old and tangled brush.
If you want someone who is considerate, kind, thoughtful and real, it would help you were to be all of those things yourself. Here's the kicker, you can't just be that with the one who proves to be that magical man, you have to be that with all of the men you go out with. And you can't just be that way with your girlfriends. You have to be that way with everyone, just as you are hoping your mythical perfect guy would be.
Like attracts like and you get what you give. If you find yourself
complaining about all the jerk canoes you’ve been meeting, maybe it’s
time to check the way you’ve been dipping your own oars. I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...
relationshiplessons.net
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