Not Broken: The State of the Relationship Address

Do you know what’s scary? Love is scary. It's scary as hell.

After spending the last 10 years of my life in unhealthy and destructive relationships, the thought of getting back out there in the relationship world is slightly terrifying. It's enough to make a lot of people say, “That’s it. Never again. I’m done.” I thought about that route for a while; and I think many people around me believed that I should put that route in my GPS and head towards it. They may be right. It’s a safer emotion, that's for sure. After all these years and all this time, especially after the demise of my last marriage which left me much more wrecked than anything I’ve ever experienced, I thought for sure I’d come out of it different. That I’d close that chapter and start a whole new book as a completely different type of character. To some extent, I have and I am, but not in the ways I thought.

Those relationships have taught me more about myself, than I ever could’ve learned any other way. I can honestly say that I am grateful for everything that happened; because without it all, I may never have made it to this point. I may have never learned my worth. I may have always settled for less than I deserved. I may have always given my heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. I may have never discovered how to be a strong enough man, standing on my own two feet. So for as ridiculous as it sounds, I’m grateful that all of it happened.

My marriages broke my heart, but the divorces eventually healed it. I stand here today changed. Strong. Valuable. Courageous. I do not stand here today with some of the labels that others expected me to carry. I’m not broken, jaded, damaged, untrusting, nor am I hardened. In fact, those parts of me that were there before, the parts that lead to some of my pain, are still very much there. Nevertheless, I am still 100% me. Even after all the damage, pain and trauma I’ve experienced, my heart is still the same one God placed in my chest when He formed me in my mother’s womb. I still trust people easily. I still believe the best of everyone. You’re still innocent until proven guilty in my eyes. I still want to find love again. I still believe it exists, and I’m still willing to try.

Now don’t get me wrong, things are different about how I will go about it this time around and I finally believe the strength of my head and my heart match, but I refuse to allow the damage of my past to dictate my future. I refuse to hole myself up and shy away from the world because I’m afraid it will hurt me again. I refuse to allow those old decisions to cloud my future. I refuse to change the core of who I am. I can’t, and trust me when I say I’ve tried. I can’t change my heart, it’s soft. I can’t change my soul, it’s hopeful and I want to keep my heart and soul that way. I’m proud of the fact that after my failed marriages, failed relationships and some absolutely heartbreaking experiences, I’m still me.

For the first time in my life, I really like me. I finally feel like I am who I’m supposed to be. God has carried me through each and every bad decision I’ve ever made. He’s been there to hold me when no one else could. He’s loved me when I was freely a bastard and unlovable. He's scooped me up off the cold hard floor of my own poor choices and he’s redeemed them all. He’s healed my heart and somehow kept His hands over it in order to keep it from changing. The parts of me that were both damaged and damaging have been cut off, and I am learning how to stand strong in my own skin. I’m learning again how to be me. 

The failures of my relationships didn’t jade me, they opened my eyes. As a matter of fact, they saved me. They allowed me to live, and be fully me. So that’s what I plan to do. I’m going to dive back into life; not impulsively and stupidly like I admittedly did before, but wisely. I’ll probably make some mistakes along the way, but those don’t scare me. Life is here to be lived. God has given me a second (or a millionth) chance. He’s got me, and He’s got you too.

I’ve learned there’s nothing wrong with me or my heart. God made me the way He made me for a very specific reason. Sure, my selfish actions have broken me before, but I’m willing to take that risk because this time around because I’m doing it now with all the broken pieces. I’m not searching for someone else to be my missing piece. I’m not broken or looking for someone else to heal me, and I am not on the hunt for someone else who is broken and in need of saving. Love is scary, and life is scary, but we may never get any of the rewards if we never stand to take any of the risks.

So if you’ve been through the hard things, and we all have, don’t stop being you because of them. Learn the lessons, make the changes, keep your eyes open and guard your heart, but don’t close it off or shut it down just because you gave it to the wrong people in the past. Give it to God first and then trust that He will help guide you to the right places. There’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with you. We’ve made mistakes, as all people do, and we will likely make more. Hopefully this time we will never make the same mistakes again; but I know for sure that for me, the biggest mistake of all would be trying to harden my heart and be someone I’m not just because I’ve been hurt in the past. 

...and come to think of it, that would be YOUR biggest mistake too! 

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