More Marriage Lessons from The Divorced Guy

Marriage is incredibly difficult, especially so in this day and age. Between the picture society paints about marriage and all those fun (yet destructive) “distractions” that technology has afforded us, it’s surprising the divorce rate isn’t even higher. Years ago, I couldn’t say that my marriage was safe. In fact, my marriage was at rock bottom. Yes admittedly, the one who claims to be “Love’s #1 Fan” now, was more of a bastard than a husband back then. After my last divorce six years ago, I went back to the drawing board and did a TREMENDOUS amount of work and soul searching on what went wrong in my marriages. I wasn’t “present” in my marriages, and I convinced myself that I was working on it. In reality, I wasn’t working on it and I wasn't good at doing any of the work. What I was good at was finger pointing, deflecting, and playing the role of victim. As evolved as us men like to sometimes think we are; often we see things through a very narrow lens. When I was married, I admit to making a lot of mistakes over those years. Those mistakes have prompted me to tell you five simple things you can stop doing TODAY that will save (or improve) your marriage. Whether you're male or female, I think it’s about time you learned something from this divorced guy.

1. Stop flirting! We’ve all done it before, often convincing ourselves that it’s harmless. I’ve got news for you, IT’S NOT! Shooting a look at the cutie in the coffee shop can be a lot more destructive than you think. I used to work in a bookstore with plenty of women, and a little flirting never hurt anyone, or so I thought. Heck, it was only a look here and there, where’s the harm, right? You have to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Regardless of how harmless you believe it is, what is the reason you are crossing that line? As men, we often seek constant reassurance and who better to get it from than an attractive co-worker or that woman you see at a grocery store. The problem is, this behavior is filling an emotional need! Don’t allow it to create space and distance in your relationship. Flirting is fun, and it's exciting, and it's DESTRUCTIVE! The next time you get that urge to flirt, turn away! Today, anytime I see an attractive woman, I will look away. It may sound silly to you, but IT WORKS for me! It's all about my integrity, and I won't compromise that anymore. Even “thinking” about another person is pulling you away (energetically) from your significant other, which leads me to the next point.

2. Stop the emotional cheating! This is another BIG one, and comes right behind flirting. Sometimes, I tend to relate with women much better than men. I’m very much in touch with my feelings. It’s just who I am. Throughout the years, I have had a lot of female friends. At times, some of these relationships have caused me grief, and I now understand why. Even though I didn’t think I was cheating because it’s not like we were having sex. The truth is, I was driving a huge wedge between my wife and myself. It’s very hard to see that lesson when you’re in the thick of it. I thought I was just venting to a friend who happened to be of the female variety. Texting and social media make this especially easy, and that’s why it’s even MORE dangerous! What you “think” is a harmless conversation with a female friend on Facebook, could be (and usually is) much more than that. If you feel the need to hide any of those harmless conversations from your wife, they’re probably not so harmless.

3. Stop blaming! We’ve all blamed and shamed. I’m a good guy, how could it possibly be ME with the problem? The truth is it’s much easier to point fingers than it is to take a deeper look at ourselves. We all play a role in every aspect of our relationships, and we need to accept responsibility for the part we played. Rather than try to defend your position, listen to your spouse and do so from a kind and loving place. When you’re open minded enough to listen (rather than defend or blame), you’ll be surprised how quickly you can extinguish a potential blowup. The need to place blame says a lot more about you than it does about the person you're blaming.

4. Stop holding on! How many times have you heard, “Don’t go to bed angry?” C’mon now, we’ve all had fights with our spouses, and it’s impossible not to have disagreements. During these times, we tend to reside in a place where instead of looking at the good qualities of our spouse, we focus (and magnify) the bad ones. By holding on to past resentments and anger, we not only weaken our relationship but almost certainly prevent it from being the best that it can be. Forgiving and letting go is the only solution. Next time you’re in the middle of a conflict with your spouse, ask yourself, “What is my objective here?” What am I trying to gain? It is much easier to be kind rather than be right. I used to go days (and a few times even weeks) without talking to my spouse after an argument! I was so blinded by the need to win a fight, that I let my pride (and ego) control me and my relationship. In other words, don’t bite off your nose to spite your face. It hurts too much when you do that. 

5. Stop making it all about you! Ah, the ego. As men, we sometimes (ok, most times) let our egos get the best of us! It’s easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and ignore the wants, needs, and desires of our spouse. With all the pressures and responsibilities life can bring, we sometimes forget what’s most important. Instead of thinking about all the things you have to do on a daily basis, take a minute and think about all the stuff that is on your wife’s plate. Is it any less significant than what you do? So why do you treat her like it is? If you can be really honest with yourself, you’ll probably realize that your spouse has a heavier plate than you have. What our Queens desire is just a little more understanding and maybe, some appreciation. It doesn’t take much either. Trust me when I say that an occasional bouquet of flowers goes a LONG way. If you think you’re too busy to commit more time to your relationship, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Schedule a date night at least once a week, and don’t deviate from it! Show her you care and that you value her as a person. We all like to feel appreciated, and our wives are no different. Once you start filling that emotional gas tank, you will start to see radical improvements in your relationship.

 

Marriage can be extremely challenging, but you get out of it exactly what you put into it. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer sums it up beautifully. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change”. They certainly do. Take it from a divorced guy…

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