Time has really flown by this year, we're in December already! In a momentary stroke of mini-geniusness, I'm putting back in the bloggersphere "The 12 Blogs of Christmas" to help you between now and New Years Eve with "12 relationship themed and sometimes holiday writings". I hope these lessons will be of some help in whatever season you're in during the holidays.
“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on. For it won’t be long, ‘til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.” –Bill Withers
One of the most beautiful gifts that we gain from being in an intimate
relationship with another is the emotional support that we get from them. Some of our deepest healing is done within the safety of a committed intimacy, but
past emotional wounds or unmet needs might make some of us feel resistant to
accepting help from others. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a
woman who had one of the most beautiful souls I had ever come into contact
with. She was kind, patient, and wise beyond her years. And she had her heart
broken and her trust taken for granted too many times by essentially all of the
men she had ever been with in intimate relationships. I wanted her to know that she was safe with me. I wanted her to know that
she was allowed to feel to the deepest depths of her painful past, but she was
resistant to my well intentions and ultimately misguided methods of helping
her open up to heal, and rightfully so. I’ve found that in order to truly be
there for my partner, I had to learn to do the following four things first.
You must face yourself before you can help someone through their
pain. The word compassion is rooted in Latin meaning ‘to suffer with’. If we try
and dole out help or advice (no matter how pure the intentions are) to our
partners without already first having begun to face our own emotional demons,
it will be that much harder to connect with them. You have to have already
walked through the fire in order to tell someone that it’s safe, and that it
won’t burn them. It’s only from that place that you can take their hand and
walk in the direction of the wound.
Listen. Just listen. The first step, and by far one of the biggest steps in helping your
significant other heal their emotional wounds is to let them speak their truth.
By explicitly naming the demons that plague their minds and hearts, they will
begin to loosen their grip over your love. When your partner feels comfortable
enough to share their wounds with you, it is only your job to hear them, and to
hear them fully with an open and loving heart. There is a distinct lack of
clean listening in the world. Hear them. Let them go on. And while you are
hearing them, imagine the pain that they feel underneath their words. Let their
words touch your heart, while you simultaneously stand in your strength and
love them through their suffering.
Allow them to fully empty their hearts. It isn’t enough to remove the metaphorical blockage from the dam and to let
the water trickle out, you want the floodgates to open. The truth-telling
section of their healing journey might take days, weeks, or months to fully be
brought into the light, and the beautiful part is there is no rush. Allow your
partner to fully empty their hearts to you whenever they need to clear
something verbally with you.
Only provide feedback if they explicitly ask for it. Let’s get something straight, it is not your responsibility to ease their
suffering. It is not your responsibility to re-frame their suffering into a
divine, soul-level lesson. And it is not your responsibility to create their
happiness for them. Your job is to practice compassionate listening, and allow
them to empty their thoughts to you. And while it isn’t your responsibility to
do their work for them, you can play a part in the healing of their emotional
wounds by lending a non-shaming, non-judgmental, compassionate ear. In essence, you can become
their ‘somebody to lean on’.
If they explicitly ask you for feedback, advice, or for you to validate or
mirror their emotions back to them, then do whatever comes naturally to you. Your
primary purpose in facilitating the healing of your partner’s emotional wounds
is to be a safe, loving receiver of their most painful thoughts. This isn’t
necessarily easy work, but it is vital work.
Hold your pain, then hold their pain, and then allow love to be the medicine
that cleans out the wounds of your collective pasts…
relationshiplessons.net
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