How To Get The Spark Back!

Time can erode the feelings of care and concern in even the best of relationships. People stop doing the nice little things they used to do for each other because they're too tired, too stressed out, or start waiting for the other person to do something nice first. Eventually, both people feel taken for granted and horribly lonely.

Small acts of kindness, or what I call caring behaviors, can be any verbal or nonverbal expression of interest, concern, or affection that is offered frequently and on a regular basis. Things like taking your partner warm towels after a bath, or surprising your partner by arranging for a babysitter, are excellent examples of caring behaviors. These seemingly small caring behaviors are the lifeblood of a relationship because they offer both partners frequent signs that they are valued and that the relationship is important.

Caring Behaviors at the Start of a Relationship. 

At the beginning of a relationship, there's much that happens automatically. It's usually called romance, or the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Take a minute to recall all the wonderfully simple but significant gestures you used to offer your partner. Remember how much fun it was thinking about your partner in anticipating their needs: selecting and making the perfect card, making that special dinner she always raved about, or giving one of your "to-die-for" foot rubs.

What leads to the decline of these caring gestures and the good feelings that go with them? The answer is surprisingly simple; it's the result of basic neglect. Over time, people fail to give proper attention to their partner and the relationship they share. This usually isn't caused by malice. Couples stop making kind gestures to each other because of mistaken assumptions about the nature of lasting love.

Beliefs that sabotage caring behaviors:

1. These “small” behaviors are somehow frivolous or nonessential in a long-term relationship. All individuals need to know they are valued by their partner, not just in the beginning stages, but through out the lifetime of a relationship. What could be more important than making your partner feel cherished, important, and central in your life?

2. Because these activities initially come so easily, they should continue to be easy. I hear this over and over again in couple sessions. “If I have to work so hard in love, something must be wrong with the relationship” or “Isn't love supposed to be spontaneous?” Many people think that planning will take the spark out of things, but it doesn't have to. Sometimes planning can actually intensify the spark. The sheer anticipation of being with your partner, and doing something special for him or her, intensifies the whole experience. The idealization of spontaneity can be dangerous. When you first start to notice that sensations you had early on in your relationship have dwindled, you're likely to panic. Something must be wrong! Maybe the relationship wasn’t right to begin with, maybe you weren't really in love at all, or maybe your partner has changed. You don't stop to think that maybe the feelings are dwindling precisely because you're not doing all the little things you used to do to nurture your partner and the relationship.

3. You shouldn't have to work at love.  Many people think that love should not require any effort and that it should just magically happen. In truth, love requires regular refinement of basic relationship skills such as listening with understanding, expressing feelings with kindness, and resolving conflict without lapsing into criticism. Couples use these relationship enhancement skills generously in the early stages of their relationship. Over time however, people stop using their skills and rely more and more on the hope of getting what they want. They stop doing what they gladly did in the beginning.

 

Caring Behaviors List:

An activity I would assign to couples as “homework” is to make a list of “caring behaviors” and commit to doing at least one of them per day. The list below is from several sessions I've had over time. Reading through the list now, some of the items make me laugh. Hopefully the list will spark a few ideas of your own.

• Take a walk with your partner and hold hands; or, give your partner some time off from the family to take a walk alone
• Play some music and dance with your partner
• Do some exercises or stretch together
• Read a favorite story aloud to your partner at bedtime.
• Surprise your partner with a book or magazine and protected time to read it
• Read a poem to your partner
• Sing a love song to your partner (even if you don't have a great voice)
• Surprise your partner with tickets for special concert or performance (arrange a babysitter if you have kids)
• Have different background music on than you usually do, something that will have special resonance for your partner
• Help your partner arrange to spend some quiet time alone
• Arrange an outing that will allow you to meditate or spend some quiet time alone with your partner
• Let your partner sleep in 30 extra minutes while you make breakfast and get the kids up
• Support your partner in his or her pursuit of a favorite hobby
• Surprise your partner with a gift certificate for extra time to work on his or her hobby
• Arrange an outing connected with your partner’s favorite hobby 
• Watch an old sitcom from your childhood
• Arrange a night out at the movies, selecting a movie that your spouse has particularly wanted to see
• Prepare a bubble bath for your partner
• Put lotion on your partner’s back after his or her bath or shower
• Warm up towels for your partner for after his or her bath or shower
• Make your partner’s favorite meal
• Pack some favorite snacks for your partner to take to work when you know they are going to have a long day
• Go on a picnic together
• Go to an old fashioned ice cream parlor and share an ice cream soda
• Go to church together
• Pray or meditate together
• Read a favorite scripture or other inspirational passages to each other
• Clean up some part of the house or finish some long ignored housekeeping task that has hung over your partner’s head  
• Fix up a special corner of the house for your partner (for example, if your partner loves to draw, create a special art area) 
•  Have flowers delivered
• Take the children out so your partner can enjoy being home alone
• If your partner is usually the one who does the planning, come up with your own detailed plans for a vacation or weekend getaway
• Go to the park together, swing on the swings
• Surprise your partner with a hug or a kiss, maybe in a different spot than usual – a kiss on the back of the neck works
• Give your partner a foot massage
• Buy your partner one single, fragrant flower
• Sit outside and smell the fresh air 
• Take the dog for a walk together

When you do something nice for your partner, try to be low-key about it. Don't make any fanfare about what you’re doing. Most importantly, try to notice and show appreciation for what your partner is doing for you. That is the best part of the fun. You can humorously wonder to yourself, “Now, did he bring me that cup of coffee because he was doing the exercise?” In this way, you'll train yourself to pay attention to all the positive things your partner does, rather than dwelling only on the negative. I can tell you from personal experience, as well as working with many couples, that making an intentional effort to bring these small and caring behaviors into your relationship can make a huge difference...

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