How Do You Handle Falling In Love?

I received a question from someone this past week. With their permission, I figured I would post my answer here for others to read publicly after I spoke with them privately.

“I’m really starting to fall for someone, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. Is there anything I should be watching out for? Common traps that people fall into, etc.?”

There is nothing like the exhilarating rush of new love. Your brain is being flooded with huge hits of happy chemicals and it can feel like you’re high around the clock.

What are they doing? Are they thinking of me right now? Whatever they’re doing, I hope they are happy. What would we fight about long term? Am I already being too clingy? How do our names sound together? Should I not have texted them that thing yesterday? Where would our ideal vacation be? Do they like the same hobbies as me?

Our minds run rampant doing mental gymnastics about our new love interest. To help you keep your feet somewhat grounded during this new and exciting phase, here are three things to remember when you’re falling in love with someone new.

1. You’re allowed to be excited - Yes, you are going to be distracted as thoughts of them race through your mind, and that’s totally fine. Going into a new relationship is an exciting transitional period. You are allowed to be happy, giddy, distracted and joyful about it. Instead of resisting it or trying to rationalize it, you should embrace it. Let the excitement run its course through your body. Every emotion you experience is there for a reason, and this blast of excitement is likely there to teach you “this one matters, and you care about this one." Feel free to go ahead and lean into it.

2. You’re allowed to feel some anxiety - Along with the rush of excitement that comes with a new love interest, you are also likely to feel some combination of nerves or anxiety. Opening up to a new partner can trigger a lot of fear, worries, and anxiety in people. Maybe you worry that they are too good to be true, or that they won’t like you back. Love is a risk, it always is, and just like the excitement I just touched on earlier, you are also allowed to embrace the anxiety. You can welcome it into your body and tell it “You have a home here. Thank you for looking out for me.” That’s not to say that you will necessarily want to let that emotion run your mind and all of your thoughts, but there is no point in denying its existence in your body.

3. Don’t let your life fall to the wayside - Some people have a tendency to drop their friends, family, obligations, and interests when they start seeing someone new. I understand how seductive this pattern is; you want to see them, touch them, and taste them all the time, but it isn’t serving you or the building of your budding relationship’s foundation. It’s important to keep doing the things that make you happy that are not tied to your new significant other. If 100% of your emotional fulfillment comes from your new partner, you could eventually start to resent them for taking up so much of your time. They could begin to feel stifled by you, knowing full well that they provide the majority of your happiness. We all need multiple pathways to joy and fulfillment, and while there’s nothing wrong being with a partner who you feel happy to be around, you should also experience joy from other sources in your life.

If this point is particularly difficult for you, proactively reach out to one or two of your closest friends and explicitly tell them “Hey, I’m starting to fall for this person and I want to make sure that I keep being me and I don’t get completely sucked into it, and I also value our friendship and want to continue to invest in it. Can you help keep me accountable to hanging out with you every week or two, just to make sure that I’m not just spending time with (insert your new love interest’s name)? That would help me out a lot.”

Keep doing the things that make you who you are, and keep seeing the people who you feel lit up by (in your relationship with your significant other and outside of it). Your relationship will eventually thank you for it...

Mistakes Will Take You Further, Trust Me...

I know what you must be thinking: Two blogs in two consecutive days? Wow, something must be happening in the atmosphere! I told you that I owed all of you some of my thoughts since I was away at school. So until the summer session begins, I want to stay with the theme and pick up where I conveniently left off with a few more thoughts from yesterday...

Are you worried that you are messing up a lot in your life? One of the most common concerns that I get from people I talk to on a regular basis is they feel like they are failing. They feel like they are failing in life, in their careers, and in their relationships. If you sometimes feel this way, then you are exactly where you should be. Like I said in yesterday's blog, one of my favorite ways of looking at life is that it is a never-ending series of mistakes. You are constantly messing up, and there is no other way around it, but you are not alone. Commercial airplanes are off their flight path 95% of the time when they are heading towards a destination. Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee juggled dozens of crappy jobs until he invented Spiderman at 40 years old. Actors Halle Berry and Jim Carey were both homeless before they found fame. I said all of this is to say, if you feel like you don’t know what you are doing with your life half of the time, then congratulations, you are doing just fine. In fact, here are three areas in which you should start making more mistakes…

1. Your career - Finding your ultimate career will usually take going through a ton of jobs that you do not even enjoy that much, if you can enjoy it at all. Hugh Jackman worked as a party clown. A young Brad Pitt wore a giant chicken suit to advertise for a fast food restaurant. Harrison Ford was a carpenter when George Lucas hired him into the Star Wars franchise. As long as you’re finding out what you don’t like, you’re always getting closer to what you do like. 

2. Your habits - Emotion exists in relation to itself. If you have never felt devastating heartbreak or grief, then you will not fully appreciate the joy and happiness in your life. Every now and then, it may be a good idea to go back in your mind to the habits you used to have, so you can remind yourself of the consequences of those habits. You’re not generally a big drinker anymore, but one day you go overboard and get wasted? The hangover alone will remind you of why you chose not to drink that much anymore. Do you get a lot out of seeing your friends? That week away from them will affect your emotional fulfillment more than you think. You are usually a full-time gym rat, but you haven’t been going for a few weeks? That sprint towards the bus in the morning will quickly remind you of your fitness level.

3. Your relationships - It is an all too common cop out for people to tell themselves "I don’t want to date right now, I’m waiting for someone who is truly special." Although having high standards is certainly important, if you do not have much of a dating history under your belt, then you might not know what you are looking for in a partner. Just as it is rare to fall into your dream job right out of college, it is equally unlikely that you will find your ideal match in your first lover. So get out there, taste the rainbow a bit and discover what you do and do not like in a partner. 

And remember, as long as you are on a continuous loop of messing up and learning, then you’re doing just fine. Experience comes come from getting things wrong, a lot. Think about it, and let's make better mistakes tomorrow…

How You Can TRULY Live Your Life

Are you truly living? Have you ever blown out the candles on your birthday cake and thought to yourself, “Another year already?” There seems to be a big difference between living your life, and feeling alive in your life. If you are simply living your life, then you are probably used to the monotony. Life is just a series of going through the motions, and days have a tendency to blend together. If however, you’re alive in your life, then every day feels more exciting than the last. You wake up before your alarm clock sounds because you can’t wait for what is in store. You feel like electricity is coursing through your veins on the regular. You feel like you are unstoppable! So, as your relationship writing friend, I need to check in with you right now. Do you feel like you might be coasting? Are you seizing every moment that comes your way? Here are the five ways that you know you’re truly living, and not just existing.

1. You Are Loving Fully - You know what sucks? Being in a relationship where you don’t really care about the other person. Just like working a job you don’t really care about, a lackluster relationship just saps your energy. It drains you, and it slowly robs you of your sense of integrity. “Yeah, but she’s really supportive of me sometimes,” starts sounding more like “Yeah, but it pays the bills.” However, if you brag about your partner to your friends, if you find yourself telling your "story" to others all the time, and if you two are that sickeningly sweet, affectionate pair in public that possibly offends some people, then you are most likely loving fully.

2. You Are Following Your Heart, And Not Other People’s Advice - An evolved man listens to the opinions of others and, while he certainly considers their advice, he ultimately goes his own way. Nobody should be running your life except for you, not your best friend, not your parents, not your culture, not your society, and certainly not me. Only YOU can hear the voice that already lives inside of you. That voice within knows what’s best for you. If it has been awhile since you have listened to that voice, it may be a little difficult to hear it again. It does not matter if that is the case, do not be discouraged. That inner voice is just like a neglected lover; you can coax it out of hiding by encouraging it to speak up while listening with patience.

3. You Are Following Your Passions - Personally, I am doing it so balls out now-a-days that it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it! You know all the things that you tell yourself you would do if you had $10 million in the bank, if you were born into a different family, if you just had the right social circle to help you with it?  It’s time to just go ahead and start chasing those dreams, despite your financial, familial, and social standings! Passionate people are addictive to be around. Their positive energy seems to spill over into the lives of those around them; it is intoxicating and exhilarating to be so close to such passion. And you will know that you are truly living if you become one of those people that others are naturally drawn to because you are passionately chasing your dream.

4. You Are Afraid - People ask me all the time how I do it. How do I travel, go to school, rock an online business, and follow my passions with complete disregard for failure? The truth is, I don’t even feel like I can do it. I’m frequently riddled with self-doubt, hesitation, and anxiety like every other human in the world, but I’m still doing it. The main difference between people I know who are successful in life (in love, in a thriving social circle, with financially stability, etc.) and those who are not, is the successful ones act on their passions in spite of their fear. It is not that they are not fearful, because they are, they just don’t let their fear stop them. They might think, “This could hurt like hell,” or “I really don’t know if this will work,” but then they TRY it anyway. They are different than the unsuccessful people who think those same things and allow their fear and insecurities to stop them from attempting great things. Don't worry, this used to be me until I learned better. You of course, are in the former camp. Although life can be downright terrifying sometimes, you are still out there giving it your all. Yeah, I'm talking about you!

5. You Are Making Mistakes - If you are truly living, your life at times feels like a big pile of mistakes, and trust me, that is a good thing! Your success consists of glued together pieces of your failures. If you feel stuck or unfulfilled in your life right now, it’s probably because you aren’t making enough decisions (which result in more failures) in your life. Do you want to live more?  First, make more decisions, and then embrace and learn from the mistakes you are bound to make. Hear me clearly, I am not saying you are bound to fail. To say such a thing would immediately discredit me as an encourager of the heart. I am saying that you are bound to make mistakes, and if you learn from them, you will eventually succeed.

Live your life as fully and as robustly as you can, follow your passion, and don't be afraid to make your own decision which will absolutely lead to your own mistakes. As long as you learn from all of this, you will be better for it in every aspect of your life...

When Love Scares You To Death

After four months of returning to college, I'm one semester away from getting my first degree. I'm really thankful to the readers for their support during my time off, but now that the semester is over, I figure I owe you some writing before the summer session starts. Hopefully, the blog will be better from being shaped by some pretty awesome professors. Again, thank you for your patience and support, now on with the show...

 

We all suffer tragedies in life. Break ups, abandonment, the loss of loved ones, and countless other bumps and bruises will take their toll on our hearts as we live. It’s so tempting to close off to the world after we’ve been hurt to look at the hand we’ve been dealt and say, “You know what, no. No more. I don’t like that I might get hurt again. I’m not going to offer my heart to the world anymore.” It’s tempting to think to ourselves, “I can’t imagine ever hurting as much as I have in the past, but I don’t even want to risk it. It’s not worth it.” This choice of closing off to the world is what keeps us stuck. Being stuck keeps us from giving our gifts to the world. Being stuck keeps us from growing. Being stuck keeps us pessimistic and lonely.

In avoiding the potential pain that someone might cause us if we entered into a relationship with them, we endure a low-lying enduring pain in loneliness called the pain of not trying, the pain of internal collapse, and the pain of shrinking into ourselves and holding back from living our lives more fully. I've had my heart smashed to pieces repeatedly, and I am thankful (at least in retrospect) for each experience that I have lived through. Through these trying times, I have learned that there is a way to fall in love with others once more. Here are three ways that can help you slowly fall in love, when its love that actually scares you to death.

1. Breathe one breath at a time. It’s a romantic notion to say that you should just commit or jump in with both feet, but those things are a lot easier said than done. When you’re dealing with past emotional wounds that keep interjecting into your emotional process, it’s hard to just jump into something that terrifies you. I believe that our way back into love after having been hurt is a battle of breaths. Its about feeling the anxiety, nerves, and sadness arise in your belly, allowing it to be there, and breathing through it one breath at a time. You don’t have to heroically storm through the muddy trenches of your emotional warfare to earn your way back into love. Sometimes the bravest action you can take is inhaling some courage, and exhaling your doubt.

2. Question your thoughts. Don’t believe everything you think. When you start heading towards a new loving relationship, or when love is even beginning to be offered to you, your ego will overwhelm you with excuses to keep you safe and in your comfort zone. 

You might think things like...

• “They’re too old, too young, too small town, too big city, too fancy, or too simple for me! It’ll never work anyway.”
• “I’m not finished working on myself yet. I’m not ready for a relationship with anyone. It would be a waste of time!”
• “Relationships are hard work and I don’t want to lose my sense of independence.”
• “I like my life as it is already, thank you very much. Having a partner would just complicate things.”
• “I don’t need a man/woman/partner to complete me.”

And all of these may have some degree of validity, but I would argue that the majority of the excuses that pop up for us are just rationalizations of wanting to stay safe and emotionally hidden. So whatever walls your ego tries to throw in your way on your path to loving again, have a healthy dose of curiosity about them. Listen to your thoughts and ask whether or not you want to engage in believing them. You can even have statements on standby along the lines of “Thank you Ego for your opinion, but I am going to choose to go my own way.”

3. Allow the storm to pass without resenting the weather. When I started to fall for someone again after years of emotional closure, it was terrifying. I had done my best to avoid feeling for so long that when I was finally offered a relationship with someone that compelled my heart, it was one of the most confronting things I had faced in a long time. For several days after our first date, my body felt like it was possessed. I had a full blown freak out full of journaling, tears, and hundreds of rationalizations as to why I should get out of it while I still could. By diving into my emotional storm head on, I allowed the feelings to move through me. It certainly was not easy, but it was necessary, and I felt lighter after the storm passed. I felt my way through my emotions, and I felt considerably more prepared to face my new partner head on compared to when I was trying to stifle my emotional response. Emotional flare ups will come and go on your way back into love. They are natural, they are healthy, and they should be greeted as warmly as you would a house guest that you haven’t seen in years. These emotional flare ups are your friend. They are a path way to your deeper soul connection with another human being who has nothing but the best of intentions for you.

How Do You Earn Your Way Back Into A Loving Relationship? You will learn to love in layers. Just like anything else worth having in life, this will not be an overnight process. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, you heal your way through them. So let it all in. Let the exhilarating wave of emotions wash over you and carry you to shore. I know, I KNOW, that it can feel terrifying and overwhelming, and "oh my God I just need to run away from these feelings because they’re so confronting and scary" but there is no growth in running away from your feelings. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is sit with your emotions without judging them, and feel them all the way through until the end.

I so believe in you. For your sake, the sake of the growth of humanity, and for the unknown love that is already heading your way, just breathe into it. You’ve got this. I wish you the best of luck in your emotional journey...