Sealing The Exits

Well, I'm getting to the point where I have to acknowledge something I need to do for myself. The single greatest way that I can deeply commit to an intimate relationship is simple: I have to seal the exits. I have worked with countless couples, who had either been dating or married from 1 to 20 years, who hadn’t truly sealed the exits in their lives. What do I mean by sealing the exits, and why is it so vital in my quest to having a healthy, thriving intimate relationship?

Ultimately, sealing the exits comes down to being in integrity with myself. Practically speaking, it is about closing the back doors in my life that I give myself as my mental out, just in case I ever wanted to leave my partner and retreat through my exits. Its really no need to be so judgemental towards me, when you have mental outs of your own. Your exits will be unique to you. You might have one mentally catalogued exit, or you might have fifty of them. 

• Maybe you’ve been with your partner for several years, and you tell yourself that you’re committed, but your life’s reality shows signs of misalignment. 
• Maybe you have half a dozen old hook-ups in your Facebook friends list that are always just a click away in case you need a new warm body, or a sense of sexual validation at a moment’s notice.
• Maybe you complain about your partner to specific friends of yours who you know will always have your back and willingly talk against your partner over a drink when you feel like it (thereby splitting the wedge of resentment further into your psyche).
• Maybe you have a dormant online dating profile (or several of them) just waiting to be restored should anything go wrong in your relationship.

Whatever your exits are, they are unique to you, just like my exits have been unique to me. I could list another twenty examples of what relational exits could look like until I have particularly nailed yours, but my guess is that you already know exactly what yours look like. At a deep level, you already know that you would feel a whole lot better if you sealed them yourself.

When I recommend my clients seal the exits in their lives, they often express a small feeling of panic, like I’m asking them to give up their baby blanket for the first time in their lives. Despite what your brain might be implying, you will feel a lot better once the exits are sealed. There is a very specific kind of deep comfort that comes from actually being committed in your relationship, with both feet in. 

So what exits could you seal to ensure that you are not leaking subconscious energy in various other directions? How could you commit more fully to your relationship? I know it's time for me to seal my exits, and maybe it's time you did the same. You’re more ready than you think...