Impatient Relationships (My Lesson)

Patience is a virtue... 

Slow and steady wins the race...  

Good things usually come to those who wait...

It’s funny how many anecdotes reference the benefits of taking our time. Yet we live in an instant-gratification society. We can cook a meal, access information or talk to someone on the other side of the world, all in an instant, but we easily grow impatient if things do not happen at warped speed in today’s society. In recent conversations with several of my friends, the subject of time and the pace of relationships came into play. I realized it is a common theme, but one that is often problematic. For some, their relationships ignite in an instant, like a flash fire in a pan, but cool off just as quickly. For others, they grow impatient when a relationship does not move along quickly enough into the stages of complete devotion. It seems we’ve lost our middle ground. There is only hot or cold, fast or slow, but nowhere in between. You might be able to make do with instant mashed potatoes in a pinch, but is instant really the best for relationships?

It seems many people often try to rush things when it comes to dating and relationships. Some people are impatient and afraid to be alone, so they often settle for the first person that comes along rather than waiting for the right person. Rushing into exclusivity or intimacy, not knowing if they really love someone, yet willingly giving themselves freely into commitment before they give themselves time to see if they are even right for each other...only to find out shortly thereafter that they weren’t. Still, there are others who grow impatient, and unwilling to give a perfectly good relationship time to develop naturally. They allow their own insecurities to get in the way and often push the other person away before they even give things a chance.

How do I know this? Because I’ve made many of these same mistakes myself, and I've learned a thing or two along the way. This after all, is the reason why the blog you're reading is called "Relationship Lessons". I've learned that I am often my own worst enemy and I often get in my own way of finding love, or at least developing a healthy and happy relationship. True, deep and meaningful relationships can take time to develop. Some cases of love at first sight may occur, but if you can fall in love in an instant, can’t you fall out of love just as quick? So based on what hasn't worked in the past for me, and the opportunities I missed due to my own impatience, I’ve decided to try a different approach. Rather than trying to control the speed of my relationships, I’ve decided to go along for the ride and let the relationship move at its own natural pace. Ultimately, I am looking for a long-term relationship, not just a long weekend, so there is no rush. Thankfully, I no longer feel like the little kid in the back seat of the car anxiously asking “are we there yet?” Instead, I get to sit back, relax, and simply enjoy the ride with a fantastic woman which may include a forehead kiss or two here and there. Its not just the destination, but its the journey that we take to get us there that is part of the adventure too. So I am trying to savor every moment, every step, every forehead kiss, and for the first time in my life I've found my middle ground. Its completely out of character for me, and different from anything I have ever experienced, yet ironically its working, continuing to grow and move forward, slowly but steadily. Though some people think being patient is a sign of weakness, I see it as a sign of strength and self-control. It takes training and discipline and though it may not always be easy, but like I said at the beginning of this blog, good things usually come to those who wait. Someone worth having is someone worth waiting for, and I believe the one I'm waiting for is definitely worth it. This just so happens to be MY relationship lesson...

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Relationship Regrets (Guest Blogger)

This week I want to share with you an e-mail I received talking about the lessons learned from her past relationship and the regrets she carried as well. This is one of the most powerful lessons I've heard in a while, so please open your heart and your minds to hear from Kendra from Chicago... 

During my adult life, I did not realize that there was so much power in my words. Not until I became a member of my current church, New Life Covenant, did I realize that I have authority when I speak. My pastor, John F. Hannah quoted the scripture Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof”. When God created the Heavens and the earth, in Genesis Chapter 1, He spoke it into existence. You may be saying to yourself what does this have to do with relationships? Everything! We have the power to speak how our relationships will turn out.

I dated a few men before I was married at the age of 22. Even though I was raised in church, I did not always live a Christian life, and I did not always obey the word of God. I dated men who were not of the same faith. As a matter of fact, I married a man who was a Muslim. This was a mistake from the beginning because we were unequally yoked, but the Bible says that the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and 1 Peter 3:1 says “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives”. Even though I wanted my ex-husband to be saved, my words and my actions did not reveal this desire. The end result is I did not win him over. When I was disappointed in him or disapproved of my ex-husband, I cut him with my words. I didn’t speak life to him, I spoke death. Therefore, he ate those words and always felt defeated. At times, he did not even try to do better. I said things like “you are not a man” and “I don’t need you” and “you are sorry” and “I can do bad all by myself”. These are things that I should not have said.

I should have been encouraging him and helping him as his helpmeet. When he came home from completing job applications, I should have said “everything will be alright because you are trying” or “I am proud of you" or thank you for trying to be the man of this house and taking care of me”. I should have been his biggest cheerleader, but I was not. And guess what...someone else was! Therefore, my husband’s physical body was with me but his heart was far from me. He left the marriage before we were divorced. During these ten years of marriage, I learned a lot that has not only helped me in my friendships but will also help me in my future marriage if the Lord sees fit.

We can learn a lot from each other when it comes to relationships, but we do not want to talk about them. We don't want to be transparent either because of fear, or because we are not free ourselves. I speak freely about my previous marriage and past relationships because they don't affect me today. We should be able to grasp a lesson out of every relationship that we are in. If you want to hold on to your relationship, speak life even when it seems the relationship is dead. While I do regret the things I said to my ex-husband, I thank God for the experience because it was a growing pain for me. What I regret the most was telling my ex-husband to hit me. I wanted him to hit me so that he would go to jail. I threatened him many times, but he was man enough to never lay a hand on me. It's sad, but I was willingly provoking a man to abuse me when so many women suffer from abuse innocently everyday. 

Pride will have you say things that you will regret, but as humans and in this flesh, we are bound to make mistakes. It is my prayer that we learn from each other and not repeat the same mistakes. Lastly, I repeatedly told my husband to leave me if he did not want to be with me. When we separated, I wanted to try and work things out, but guess what...he did not want to try to work things out. I got just what I spoke! So be careful of what you ask for and the words that you speak. You will reap what you sow. Build up your mate and your friends and encourage them to do well. We should focus on being more positive and edifying each other. “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). Kind words are good for the soul and body! 

You too can share your lesson by sending an e-mail to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com along with a profile picture, and what you've learned from your past relationship, or what you're now learning in your present relationship. The lessons YOU'VE learned can help someone else too!

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