Why The Smartest Women Can Do The Dumbest Things

Have you ever looked back over your past relationships and said to yourself  “What the hell was I thinking???" As you honestly reflect on your past relationships, you will see that the red flags were waving all around you. There was a chance you may not have picked up on them because you were blinded by what you thought was love. But if you get real with yourself you will see that the red flags were there, waving right in front of your eyes, almost from the very beginning. But you chose to ignore them, right? So why is it when it comes to matters of the heart its easy for you to make the wrong decisions over and over again? One word…EMOTIONS!

You see, as human beings we are primarily driven by the emotional part of our brains. It doesn’t make a difference what our logical brain says, if we are emotionally attached to an outcome or situation, we almost always make the choice and decision based on what satisfies our immediate emotional needs. You will do this in almost every aspect of your life. You complain about your weight and how you don’t like what you see in the mirror, yet you will eat that extra piece of cake. You say you can’t afford something, but when there is something you really want, you break out the credit card and charge it even though your balances are getting harder and harder to pay off. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our dating and relationships. You continue to stay with a guy, sometimes for years, no matter how happy and unfulfilled you are. Your intuition is telling you to run but you continue to stay. Why? Because your emotions are running the show. No matter how your reality sucks you come up with every excuse, justification and rationalization as to why you should stay. Why? Because emotionally you want to stay.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give your girlfriend advice in her love life but when it comes to your own you don’t practice what you preach? It’s easy for you to see that the guy she is with isn’t treating her the way she deserves and you have no problem pointing out what is wrong with her relationship. To you it’s obvious what she should do, yet when you are in the same situation, you do the opposite. It doesn’t make a difference how educated you are, if you don’t learn to operate from the logical part of your brain and make your choices and decisions based on what is right and best, you will continue to ride the "dating and relationship rollercoaster". And please don’t pull that “But I love him” crap. Love does not mean that you become a human doormat for a guy to walk all over you and treat you in a way less than you deserve. If I hear another unhappy and unfulfilled woman say “But I love him”, I’m gonna puke. That is not love…and you know it!

Love is two people honoring each other, respecting each other and enjoying the journey of life together in ways that make each other happy, and make each others life better. Here’s the deal. If you allow your emotions to dictate your choices and decisions you are going to continue to make dumb mistakes. You can blame all the men in the world, and you can complain how hard dating and relationships are, but if you take a good, honest look in the mirror and get real with yourself, you will see that you are making things hard and the reason you are making things hard is because your emotions are running you. So here is a simple word of advice that I teach my coaching clients. If you want to know what is the right and best choice for you in any moment, pretend that your friend is going through the same experience. Then step back and see what advice you would give her, and then follow that advice. It’s that simple.

Once you learn to control and manage your emotions and make choices and decisions which are in alignment with what it is your heart really desires, you will see that dating and making the right choices becomes much easier. Yes, there will be times that the emotions kick in and start leading you down the wrong path but because you will be better prepared to make the better choice it will be easier for you to create result you really desire, and deserve...

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Why Proposal Ultimatums Don't Work

If marriage is an important life goal for you, it can be frustrating to date someone for a long period of time without any assurance that the relationship is headed toward the ultimate commitment. In a perfect world, after several months to a year of blissful dating, men would treat their girlfriends to dinner at a fancy restaurant or whisk them off on a romantic vacation, where they would drop to one knee and produce a little blue box containing the engagement ring of her dreams. No hint-dropping or excruciating “where is our relationship going” conversations necessary. However, for reasons beyond most women’s control, it usually doesn’t happen this way. Maybe he’s got a different timeline in his head than she does. Perhaps he needs some time to save up for the ring. Another possibility is that he’s become so comfortable with the relationship that he’s too complacent to make a move. Or maybe he just doesn’t see a future with her.

Unless he’s extremely open with his feelings, there’s no way for the woman to know for sure what’s going on in his head. All she knows is that the relationship seems to be stalled and she wants to jump-start it toward commitment, now! So should she (or you, if you can relate) issue an ultimatum? Ok, I’m going to cut to the chase here. I don’t think that ultimatums are a good idea. However, I do have to say that I very much appreciate the idea behind them. In order to even consider giving an ultimatum, you have to have enough insight to come to two very important conclusions: The man in your life isn’t meeting your needs, and you deserve to be happy in your relationship.

THIS I can applaud, because it means that you’re listening to yourself and acknowledging that your needs are important. However, I strongly believe that the approach of issuing an ultimatum is a futile one, and here’s why: The American Heritage Dictionary defines ultimatum as: ”A statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted”. In layman’s terms, that translates to: “It’s my way or the highway”. And while laying down the law in such a dramatic way might feel empowering while you’re doing it, but the truth is that in doing so, you are really giving yourself the false illusion of power. In other words, you are trying to force a decision out of someone when you are actually powerless over the outcome. You can’t ever change another person or make their mind up for them. The only decisions that really “take” are the ones that a person makes for himself. In fact, the more pressure you put on him to do what you want, the more likely you are to drive him away. When a man feels like he’s been pressured to make a decision – even if it’s about a topic (like marriage) he’d previously been thinking about on his own – he starts to feel like his back is up against the wall and this “choice” you’re giving him isn’t really his choice at all. Even if he goes along with what you’re asking, chances are slim that you’ll be happy with the outcome.

5 Reasons Why Ultimatums Don’t Work

1.  It might not be a decision he would have come to on his own and he may end up resenting you for pushing him into it. You say, “Marry me or I’ll leave you.” He isn’t ready for  marriage but he doesn’t want to lose you, so he proposes. A few months down the road the uncertainty begins to bubble up inside of him and he starts feeling angry that he had to make his choice under duress. 

2.  You’ll never be sure that he really wants what you want. If he asks you for the commitment, you’ll know for sure that he wants it, rather than always wondering if he just gave in to make you happy.

3.  You shouldn’t have to force someone to give you what you  want. Which sounds more romantic: Being surprised by your boyfriend when he drops to one knee, sparkly engagement ring in hand, and says, “I love you and I can’t imagine spending my life without you” Or after a big argument, hearing him say, “You want to get engaged? Fine! If that'll stop you from nagging me then fine! Whoopee! We’re engaged!”

4.  You can’t change someone or have control over their actions. It’s a simple fact. One that will save you a lifetime of frustration and heartache if you can learn it now. Even if he accepts the terms of your ultimatum you have only temporarily manipulated the situation, not permanently changed the way he thinks or acts.

5.  There’s a good chance he’ll call your bluff. You might threaten to leave him if he doesn’t comply with your ultimatum, but have you considered the fact that he might choose to let you walk rather than give you what you need?

So, am I saying that if your guy won’t commit, you have to sit there and take it? That you should accept his behavior and just deal? No way! Your wants and needs are extremely important and should not be neglected. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, I recommend you try the healthy alternative: Calmly explain your needs and expectations. It may sound simple or even trivial, but stick with me here for a moment. Explaining your needs allows you to stand up for your beliefs and lets the other person know what expectations you have. BUT it allows them the dignity of making their own choice based on the information you give them. Hopefully, he’ll be smart enough to realize how amazing you are and will gladly do anything it takes to rise up to meet your needs and expectations. But even if he isn’t able to, then you have peace of mind knowing that you never lowered yourself to the level of threatening or groveling...

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