Laying there at night, taking inventory of your life and it's inevitable that you'll think on a past
relationship and ask yourself, “did I fumble?” Hindsight is always
20/20, and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s abound when you look back at experiences
that seemed muddled at the time. Now, everything appears exceedingly
clear: you should have gone left instead of right, zigged instead of
zagged, on and on to infinity. I am convinced that the easiest way to
give yourself a meltdown is to second-guess your moves in life. In love,
like chess, you can’t take a move back. At times like these, you are experiencing a normal reaction to being
alone. As social creatures, we all crave intimate connection to an
individual, family and community. So a streak of loneliness while single
is natural, and to be expected. But it can also be dangerous, leading
you to engage in behavior to satisfy short-term needs, while having
long-lasting effects. And so we must learn how to identify the signs,
work through lonely periods, and conduct ourselves properly when
interacting with others from a place of neediness/loneliness.
There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely.
Alone is a status - someone who is single with little or no action in
their love life is technically inactive and alone. They don’t have a special
someone to share their burden, so they must keep their own counsel, and
their rise or demise is entirely their own. When alone, you can take all
the credit for the wins, but you assume all responsibility for the
losses too. It is as frightening as it is liberating, and you will discover
exactly what you are capable of – to the most positive and negative
extremes. With a determined mind you can make phenomenal strides in
self-improvement, or descend into a pit of depravity because you have no
one to catch your fall, or propel you forward.
This self-sufficiency makes single life so important because tests
that determine our passage to the next level are often solo endeavors.
You may even notice that certain doors only admit one at a time, and
spiritual discoveries only happen between you and God. And with a constant focus on companionship, you can slow or
even block your personal progress. If you don’t acknowledge the value of
solitude, embrace and develop your oneness, you squander valuable
opportunities to become even more of a catch for your next mate. Which brings us to loneliness, which is not a status, but a feeling –
and a mindset in extreme cases. We all experience short periods of
loneliness, even when in a relationship. The benefit of companionship
carries with it physical and emotional perks that simply cannot be had
elsewhere. So yeah, you’re gonna miss “The D” or "The P" from time to
time. In the midst of trials and tribulations, with no one to lick your
wounds, it is natural to feel a heightened desire for your
other half. Family and friends can offer support to a point, but
they’ll never match the closeness that accompanies romantic connection.
It's important to note that loneliness is a temporary feeling, so be
careful not to open a door that cannot be closed. You risk ruining the
emotional well-being of an innocent lover by opening something that for
you may be temporary, and for them may be permanent. Karma frowns on
that type of behavior, so beware of awakening someone’s desire only to
placate your temporary needs. That is perhaps one of the greatest
missteps you can make as a single man or woman. The problem is, we often
don’t know which desires are temporary and fleeting until after we take
the plunge. One indicator that you shouldn’t dwell in your loneliness is that you
only desire companionship during a low point in your own progress.
Whether this is due to unfulfilled expectations, or you seeing people
winning in love, the fact remains that these thoughts emanate from a
place of longing, not a genuine desire to kindle a new flame. When
you’re riding high, you couldn’t care less about what’s going on
with so-and-so, because you’re focused on building your empire. But in
those drought periods where your money is acting funny, your situation
isn’t ideal and your confidence is bruised, we are weak enough to accept
damn near anyone.
The pressure is enough to break your composure like a matchstick. And
when you begin to have lingering doubts, frustrations, and a
willingness to sacrifice your standards just for physical or emotional
attention, you have accepted the mindset of loneliness. This
ongoing state of neediness is reached when we have so many holes in our
lives that we rely on another to distract us from doing the work of
filling them. Unfortunately, that does more harm than good. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that lonely individuals are not with you for you, they are with you because they cannot stand to be alone. To cut to the heart of the matter, many people
are not comfortable in their own skin, or their own space in their own
lives. They long for the physical or emotional company of others, and it
really doesn’t matter who provides it. They seek distraction between
the arms or legs of another, simply because isolation forces one to
confront his or her flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings rather than
ignore their realities. You become almost like a drug to help numb them
from whatever pain they are avoiding. Viewed that way, do you really
want to answer that 2am “Hey Stranger” text?
You must begin to see whether people are reaching out to you because
they genuinely desire you, or because of a deep-seated loneliness. In
addition, make sure that your interactions with others are not born from
the same emptiness that causes people to make decisions in poor
judgment. As a general rule of thumb, matters of the heart ought never
to be made from a position of desperation – and as obvious as that
sounds, we’ve all done it. The solution is to learn to identify the
source of your desires in order to pursue the genuine, not the
superficial. It may take longer, but it will be well worth it...
facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons
