Here is something that most relationship coaches
aren’t going to tell you: fights are a part of relationships. The sooner you
accept this, the sooner you can learn how to stop fighting. It doesn’t seem like
that makes sense, does it? Stick with me here for a second and you’ll
understand. Relationships are kind of like Fight Club: if you’re dating
someone, you’re going to fight. There’s no getting around
it. It’s the inevitable result of being in a relationship with another person –
there’s going to be conflict, no matter how compatible you
may be. Trying to avoid fighting means trying to avoid
conflict – which usually means that important issues get swept under the rug in
the name of “keeping the peace” instead of resolving them.
And of course, we all know how well denial works when it comes to conflict
resolution. Rather than trying to avoid conflict,
people in the most successful relationships learn how to fight so that
they don’t end up doing more damage to one another. But learning how to
fight is only part of the answer. You also have to know how to stop fighting
so that you can actually fix things and move on to the more important
parts of the relationship…like the making up. So just how can
you stop fighting with your partner? Well I’m glad you asked…
1. Walk It Off - Anger is like fire; when properly harnessed,
it’s an incredibly useful and important tool. On the other hand, if you’re
careless with it, then you’re going to lose control and it will end up
destroying everything you care about. If you want to stop fighting and
actually fix things, then you need to give yourself time to
cool down separately. Yes separately. It can be hard to let go of things when
the person who’s ticking you off is right there with you. You end up feeling
pressured to say you’re better, even if you’re still angry.
So the best thing you can do? Get a little bit of space and let yourself calm
down. You want to get away from the scene of the
argument (which is going to just keep reminding you of the fact that you’ve had
one) and do the things that let you cool off. Take a walk. Hit the gym and jump
on the treadmill and burn out that fire by exhausting yourself. Go listen to
music that helps calm you down. Beat on the heavy bag like it owes you money. There
are a lot of people who will tell you that you shouldn’t walk off, that every
argument should be resolved right then and there. This is a spectacularly,
crossing-the-streams-level bad idea; not every
conflict is one that can be resolved in one sitting and trying to do so
while you’re still angry makes it next to impossible. It’s better to take
time to vent, decompress and come back when you’re cool and collected. Just make sure you let your partner
know what you’re doing and why; just standing up and
storming out is a great way to really hurt someone. Tell
them: “Look right now I’m too angry to think straight. I need to go do XYZ to
calm down so we can sort this out. I’ll be back in 15 minutes/a half hour/an
hour.”
2. Ask Yourself: Is This The Hill You're Willing To Die On? - Here’s something that trips a lot of people up:
sometimes we pick the wrong battles, whether we’re the aggressor or not. We get
upset over the wrong things. We get into fights (or make fights worse)
because we don’t stop to ask ourselves whether the fight is one worth
having. One of the most common conflicts in relationships involves the
desire to be “correct” rather than “right”. Chalk it up to how men and
women are socialized; men are taught that they’re supposed to be “doers” while
women are the “feelers”. Men tend to look for concrete “do this and things will
be better” solutions to conflicts. Unfortunately, one of the ways that we tend
to express this is by pointing out that the other person is mistaken or doesn’t
understand. And let me tell you: there’s nothing like telling a person “no,
you’re wrong” to turn a minor fight into a major confrontation. This is a really bad
idea when your goal is to stop fighting in the first place. If we take the classic domestic conflict of “you don’t help me do the
dishes” and respond with all the ways that we do contribute
(paying the bills, picking up around the house, whatever) then we’re trying
show that what we do is equivalent…which it may well be in terms of
comparative time/effort spent, but that doesn’t actually address the issue. “Winning” the argument is an empty victory
when it ruins the relationship in the process, especially when it’s over comparatively minor
details. You have to ask yourself: “Is this really the
hill I want to die on?” Are you really willing to prolong the fight, or
even make it worse, rather than just swallowing your pride and listening
to what she’s actually saying?
3. Apologize The Right Way - The fastest way to stop fighting is simple:
apologize. But you can’t just say “well, sorry” and expect everything to be
magically ok. You have to apologize the right way. This is
another area that trips a lot of people up: we tend to equate apologizing with
being morally wrong. Why should we apologize when we don’t believe we’ve done
anything wrong? Well, because like I said earlier: being “correct” doesn’t mean
that you’re “right”. Apologizing isn’t just about who’s
wrong or who’s right. It’s also about taking responsibility
for how you’ve made other people feel. A sincere apology means
understanding why your partner is upset with you and copping
to your part in having made it happen.
First: make sure you understand what you’re
actually apologizing for. The best way to do this: try to
summarize your understanding as to why she’s upset. Then listen.
Don’t defend yourself – just listen to why she’s upset. Then
apologize for it. “I understand. I’m sorry I hurt you by doing XYZ.” Did you
do something wrong? That’s sometimes debatable, but what isn’t debatable
is the way you made her feel. And if you actually care about
the person you’re dating, then you damn well better care
about how you make her feel. Notice very carefully that this is the active voice.
There is nothing more infuriating than a weasel like non-apology, apology. “I’m
sorry you were hurt” is a verbal way of putting the blame on her for
being unreasonable, rather than taking responsibility for your part in hurting
her. Similarly, you never give an apology with a qualifier.
Saying “I’m sorry, but…” is telling her that not only are
you not sorry but once again, she’s wrong for feeling that
way in the first place. To pre-empt the obvious objection: if you feel that
she’s consistently unreasonable about the way she feels, then it’s probably
well past time the two of you broke up. Either you’re right and she’s
impossible, in which case you shouldn’t be dating her in the first place…or she’s right
and you’re the bastard and she shouldn’t
be dating you. Same result either way.
And above all else: never, ever apologize
just to make the fight stop and get her off your back. This not only
invalidates the apology (because you’re not sorry), but
tells her that you’re not going to do anything about it.
You’re essentially interacting on bad faith, and you have no intentions of
actually resolving the problem, you just want her to shut
up. This is incredibly insulting on just about every level and is only going to
hasten the inevitable demise of your relationship. Also, if you’re the one
being apologized to, accept the apology without editorializing.
Responding to “I’m sorry, I was a bastard” with “Yup, you were” is just going
to start the fight all over again.
4. Stop Fighting, Then Resolve The Issue - If you’ve been following the steps, then ideally
you’ve both calmed down and gotten to a point where you’ve forgiven each
other. This is the time to work out a resolution to the
cause of the fight. It’s great that you’ve stopped fighting but that’s just
treating a symptom. Unless you actually address the cause, then all you’ve done
is just put things on pause until you fight again. Resolving the
conflict should be a collaborative approach. This means you have to work on
this together to fix things, not just dictate terms to one
another as though you’re negotiating a peace treaty. You want to ask two
questions: “What do you need to make things better?” and “How can we make this
happen?” Relationships are inherently a partnership;
you’re supposed to be working together towards a common goal and understanding.
They’re not about “who wins” and “who loses”. Everyone
loses when you’re fighting, no matter who’s actually in the right.
Collaborating together to find a way to make things right reinforces the fact
that at the end of the day, you’re on the same side. It’s worth
noting: not every solution is going to be a compromise. Sometimes you have to
be willing to accept that what you’ve done has hurt your partner, and that
you’re going to need to make concessions in the name of not hurting
them. That’s part of the price of entry to being in a relationship with
someone; if you’re unwilling to pay it…well, then you probably shouldn’t be in
a relationship with them in the first place.
5. Take Time To Make Up - You’ve managed to stop fighting, you’ve worked
together to find a solution, now it’s time to make up…and in many ways, this is
the most important part of arguing with your partner. You may have patched up
the issues from the fight, but you’re both still going to feel the sting of the
fight and those lingering emotions can poison your relationship if you don’t
take care of them. As it turns out, there’s actually some truth to the old adage
of “don’t go to bed angry”. Going to sleep can actually preserve negative
emotions or even make them worse. It doesn’t do you any good to try to stop
fighting if all you’re going to do is cement the anger and hurt. This is why making up is important. You’re not
just resolving the problem, you’re reminding one another that even though you
may fight, you still have that core of love and affection for one another. Yes
you may get angry, but that doesn’t mean that at the end of the day, you don’t
love each other. It’s important to keep that in sight. Taking the time to make
up afterwards is a form of relationship self-care. It’s a way of reinforcing
the bond and making each other happy again. You’re soothing the hurt
that you’ve both caused and replacing it with love and contentment. It
reaffirms the strength of your relationship and rewards you for fixing the
problems instead of just fighting over and over again. And besides, if you
don’t take time to make up, when are you going to have those awesome make-up moments
when you do stop fighting?
