No may be a short word but it is a powerful word. It is the Napoleon of
words, short and stocky and always looking for new territories to conquer.
Unfortunately, it is a word that is rarely used by “nice” people. Too bad! It
is “nice” people who need it the most. Are you a nice person? I confess that I
am. Whenever someone asks me to do something the word yes is out of my
mouth before I have time to think. I say yes to anything, and with enthusiasm
no less. I get lots of requests. Let’s go skiing. Let’s raise money for a needy
person. Let’s do a workshop together. Let’s move the fridge up three flights of
stairs. Let’s, let’s, and let’s is always followed by a yes, yes, and yes!
Why does yes spew out of my mouth so quickly? I think part of it is our
culture. We are a people who help out. If you need help, just ask. Who knows, I
may need your help. So we say yes and build up help credits. This is not
necessarily a bad thing. It becomes problematic when our yes starts to
negatively affect our health and mental well-being. Feelings of guilt and
resentment as well as physical exhaustion are signs that you are a victim of “yes-itis”. A yes too many times
can lead to one big no as your mind and body try to reject this disease.
“Yes-itis” is a swelling in the part of the brain that wants to be liked at all
costs. Almost everyone has yes-itis. Some people are aware of it and others are
not. Either way, it ends up leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.
What is a nice person to do? The first step is to see the power and
usefulness of saying “no”. A no can stop a tank. Remember
that fellow in Beijing
who stood in front of a tank, put his hand out and said “no, you will not cross
this point?” That’s power. A no can save lives as well. A well placed and loud
no can stop a child from running out into the street. No sets boundaries. It
tells others what you are willing to do and what you are not. A no can be used
anywhere and with anyone. It can even be used when you are all alone. Screaming
NO at the top of your lungs is an experience everyone should try at least once
before they die. Personally, I would love to do it when other people are
around, just to shock them. Can you imagine? Maybe that’s where we need to start. By imagining with whom or where you
need to say no. No, I will not leave a tip when I get bad service. No, I will
not kiss you when I am angry. No mother, I will not run errands for you until I
have taken care of my family first and then only if I have time. Imagine the
scenario, then say no out loud to get used to this incisive word. Do you say no
softly, or loud and with authority? Play with the word. Elongate the
vowel – nooooo. Sing it, shout it and snarl it. Sound like you mean it.
Another way to deal with all those requests is to learn the power of delaying
an answer. This is a valid interim step until you feel confident of saying an
outright and unequivocal no. When someone asks you to do something, pause, take
a breath, and say, “Oh, I would love to do that but I will need to think about
it (or consult my calendar, talk to my wife/husband, consult my astrologer).
Can I get back to you in an hour/day/week etc.?” This action will give you time
to think if you want to do the task, if you have time, and if it works in with
other plans and people in your life. It also gives you time to build up the
courage to say no by knowing what you really want and being honest. Don’t
worry, you won’t say no to everything. That is just your fear trying to get the
best of you. Deep down, you are a nice person and it would be almost
impossible for you to forget how to say yes. And remember, it is always easier
to change a no to a yes than a yes to a no…
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