As the TMZ video footage of the violent
interaction between former Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice and his
then fiancée but now wife Janay gets replayed repeatedly across networks and websites, I
have to turn away. This is not an attempt to avoid the reality that is domestic
violence, but honestly, I didn’t need to see the blow-by-blow imagery to
understand what had happened in that elevator. I am left wondering how the bigger issue of
domestic violence (in this case, toward women) will be handled moving
forward.
The national eye has been reverted back to what
the NFL hoped would disappear from the public’s collective consciousness. From
the ugliness the security footage shows, however, we may get some resulting
positivity. In trying to understand domestic violence, many people ask the
question, “… but, why doesn’t she leave?” Those who have experienced domestic
violence firsthand took to Twitter and formed #WhyIStayed, a hashtag for women to
publicly open up and share accounts of why they remained in relationships with
abusers.
A big part of adult life is being able to
acknowledge a situation and admit that you do not know everything. As a man, I
understand that the majority of society’s rules are to my advantage, so when
something arises that I do not understand, it’s my job to sit and listen. Friends
have personally called and come to me in the aftermath of being physically
abused. When this happens, I typically have two reactions: One is to hurt the
abuser, and the other is to make sure my friend stays away from the abuser. In
these cases, the abusers weren’t great guys, but due to the relationships they
had with these women and the kids they shared, the women felt an obligation to
work things out. For years, this has held me in a state of confusion. It
logically doesn’t compute and still doesn’t. It may never make sense to me, but
as these women using the hashtag to present the situations they endured and
open up old wounds for public viewing, I owe it to them to read, and to listen.
I will read and listen, not in an attempt to debate their truths, but so I can let
them know that they are being heard. Many of the tales they have shared thus
far have a common denominator of having no outlet, no one to whom they could
turn to hear them. Every issue can’t be handled via muscle and force. Many of
the women whom I’ve spoken to express the desire, not the need, to be heard and
to not have their feelings brushed aside and treated as disposable. So many
play the blame game in circumstances of domestic abuse as they search for ways
to rationalize and justify the abuse. Many men search for a means to connect
the violence with a trigger that the woman must have pulled. It’s always easier
to cast blame rather than accept that you (like Ray Rice) are the person who deserves the
finger pointed in your direction.
Take time to listen to someone who may be facing a violent situation. Listen, understand, then be careful to react. Remember, not reacting is still a reaction, so for the sake of the abused or the children in the middle of it...do something! The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233, or you can go to thehotline.org. In Chicago where I live, the number is 877-863-6338.
