I'm Letting My Wife Go (Guest Blogger)

Love is about sacrifice, and when you sacrifice all you believe for someone you believe in more, the results could reap greatly in your favor. When I read this blogger's work, I had to share it with you because it represents everything I believe a relationship should be. From the viewpoint of Seth Adam Smith, and hopefully every married man out there...

 

I’m sure it may come as a shock to some people, but I let my wife go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us. No, we’re not getting a divorce and no, we’re not separating. Truth be told, the practice of “letting go” has actually brought us closer together. But in order to understand what I mean by “letting go,” you must first understand that Kim and I are two very different people. In fact, the differences between us were Kim’s primary concern with us getting married. “Seth, a fish may love a bird” she said, “but where would they live?” I smiled at the comparison because it’s fairly accurate.

Kim and I are incredibly different people. She’s the oldest in her family; I’m the youngest in mine. She’s very responsible; I’m…very much not. She loves the city; I prefer the country. She loves healthy food; I love junk food. She enjoys school; I despise school. She wants to watch British dramas; I’d rather watch comedies. She loves to sing and dance; I’d rather not. She prefers flying; I prefer driving. She loves to be with people, and I’d prefer to be alone. Kim is a driven, career-minded, goal-oriented woman, while I, on the other hand, am a laid-back fellow who prefers gardening and writing over anything else. To put it simply, Kim is an extrovert while I am an introvert. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that Kim and I even met, let alone got married! But after knowing Kim for ten years, I knew that I simply couldn’t live without her. Despite our many differences, the fish loved the bird and the bird loved the fish. So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.

The bird bath is a symbol for our middle ground, the place where we come together, but it’s also the place from which we feel comfortable to let each other go. To “let go” of someone is to love them enough to let them fly or swim away (or to be themselves) and yet trust that they will always come back. For if we truly love each other, we have to be willing to “let each other go” to become the best versions of ourselves. Kim encourages me to keep swimming (develop my talents), and I encourage her to fly higher (chase her dreams). Abusive, one-sided relationships are heartbreaking to me. How can we claim to love someone and then try to limit that person’s identity? Marriage is a union, to be sure, but it’s a union that should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it. Real love tells me to let Kim fly, and trust that she’ll always come back. I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird’s wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether. That being said, I wish I could say that I’m perfect at letting my wife fly, but I’m not. In the end, we’re still two very different people. I have some deeply rooted insecurities, and we’ve had to learn to navigate each others personalities. But while I certainly can’t tell you that I’m perfect, I can tell you that every time I’ve encouraged Kim to fly, she loves me all the more for supporting her and having the faith to let her go.

So if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.

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Confessions of a Recovering Narcissistic Bastard

I can admit it: I am a recovering narcissistic bastard! Much of my life energy was spent in pursuit of what I wanted, what I needed, and what I thought was best. “Narcissism” is a term from psychopathology, but it’s essentially a fancy term for extreme selfishness. Now before you look at me with those judgmental eyes of yours, let me just point out that I might not be the only one reading this who can identify with what I am about to say. Follow along, if you will... 

I had good relationships with great women; strong, smart sexy females who thought I was a great guy…until I suddenly withdrew, or made plans without checking with them, or took off to chase success, or an intense experience, or another woman. As long as my needs were getting met in the relationship, I was pretty happy. But when they weren’t, I began looking around for the next opportunity to fulfill my desires. My partners were not weak or timid. They often confronted me about my choices and behavior, but my answer was typical of an intelligent narcissist: “If you want to be in relationship with me, you have to accept me as I am.”  And they did, until they couldn’t take it anymore. I felt completely justified in my world-view. If they couldn’t love me as I was, there were plenty of women who would. Still judging me? Ok, let's continue...

Each time I made a mess of a personal (or business) relationship, I felt bad. I recognized the damage I was causing, and began to look inward for answers in therapy, and in my men’s group. I read books and articles about narcissism, and worked on changing my beliefs, my early programming, and my social conditioning. I knew I had to change. I wanted to learn how to really love. To do this, I needed to learn how to be unselfish. Selfishness appears in a wide spectrum, stretching from healthy self-care to moderate and socially acceptable personal goal achievement, to the extreme form of destructive narcissism; individuals who don’t care about the impact of their selfish behavior on others. That one was me, hands down. We are all selfish at times. When you focus on taking care of yourself, or making yourself comfortable, this is a healthy form of selfishness, as long as it’s not taken to an extreme. Healthy people learn how to set good boundaries, and pursue their own interests realistically. They develop personal esteem, mature principles, and can accomplish their goals. From a solid sense of self, they can form deep relationships with others. We all want to be cared for. The trick is to learn to love as an activity you actively engage in, not a state you expect to be swept up into. In a mature relationship, each person takes full responsibility for the entire triumvirate: oneself, the other person, and the third entity: the relationship itself. 

Relationships fail when partners focus too much on getting their own needs met, and not enough on the needs of the other. This results in arguments over whose needs are most important, which is almost always damaging. Psychologically, it’s hard to focus on the other person’s needs when your own needs are screaming out to be cared for, but if you can, your relationship deepens as does your capacity to love. Because safety is a key to a making a relationship work, narcissism is destabilizing and damaging. Someone who acts selfishly without regard for the other, like I did for so long, is unpredictable. At any time, they may suddenly focus on getting their own needs met, and withdraw from the two-ness (yes, I made up a word) of the relationship. Ultimately, in my journey from narcissism to healthy loving partnership, the woman I now love has been a teacher. She has shown that honoring the needs of someone worth loving can bring with it a potent sense of satisfaction and well being, more so than any of the short-term fixes of following selfish impulses.

In her own words: “Men: Do you want your woman to really open to you, with her heart, mind and passionate body? The key to this reality is your honest, continuous care about her, and about your impact on her. You can tell when you have hurt her, or harmed the relationship with your selfish behavior. She will react quickly, look unhappy, and express disappointment. She withdraws when you try to relate to her, close down and disconnect – the opposite of how you want her to be with you. You don’t need to be perfect or relate perfectly, you just need to own that you caused damage when it happens, get curious, and repair it as quickly as possible. If you make your woman’s happiness your priority, she will fill up with her own Feminine Spirit and want to give you her best all the time. You’ll get your deepest needs fulfilled as a result.”

Ultimately, narcissism is a win-lose game. But I have learned that when I consider self and others equally, and when I put my partner’s needs alongside my own, we both win. And that is a sweet place to land. Still looking at me as a narcissistic bastard? It's okay, I'm still in recovery. My question to you is, can the man or woman you love say the same thing? 

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