I recently had an awesome opportunity to be a presenter at a Fathers and Family
Coalition conference (I know, right?). My
presentation focused on how fathers could use their life
experiences as a springboard to reach and teach fathers about the
importance of their role as fathers. During my presentation, one of
the young fathers asked a very courageous question. Like many single fathers,
he gets his son every other weekend and he questioned the significance
of his time with his son. He stated that when he picks up his son on
a Friday, before he knew it, the weekend was over and now he has to wait 12 days
to see him again. He wanted to know what he could do to maintain his relevance.
So, before fully addressing his question of
maintaining his relevance, I made sure that he knew that his involvement was crucial.
My son Jonathan, is the product of a single-parent household,
and in the early stages during biweekly visits, I too questioned the
relevance of my new role as a single father. However, when I look at him now,
and all that he has accomplished so far, there is no doubt in my mind that my
presence has something to do with who he is shaping up to be today, and what he will be in the future. My input made and continues
to make a substantial impact on his life. To answer the young father’s
question, I came up with the 5 things that I did to maintain my relevance
while dealing with a biweekly court-ordered visitation schedule.
1. Get to know your child’s teachers. Attend open school
night meetings. Fathers are rarely seen in schools, so the fathers who do show
up are welcomed. Trust me when I tell you that the administration, all of Jonathan's teachers, and even the security officers at his school know exactly who I am. A teacher called me about Jonathan's behavior, 15 minutes I was there. Blew the teacher away because she never expected a father to come and deal with it as immediate as I did. Not only will it go a long way with the teachers, but this will show your child that you care, that you have taken
the time out of your schedule to find out what they are doing, and whom they
are doing it with.
2. Attend Special Events. Go to baseball games, attend recitals, school assemblies, science fairs, etc. On the weekends, I get to go to Jonathan's ball games but this past Saturday was filled with work, a funeral, more work, and being a presenter at a luncheon all within a 2 hour window literally 20 miles in opposite directions. I told Jonathan that I didn't believe I could attend his game due to the logistics involved. Now I believe he really doesn't understand what the word "logistic" means, but when he called me Saturday morning while I was slammed at work, I couldn't disappoint him over the distance between engagements. I showed up at his game in time to see him pitch one inning and have one at-bat. He'll remember that I was there front and center cheering him on for 30 minutes and talking to him in the dugout before I had to get back in the car to speed off to the next engagement. I believe there is nothing in the world like a child seeing their father in
the stands or in the audience cheering them on...nothing!
3. Work harder at developing a working relationship with the mother
of your child. This could open the doors to more time with your child,
while providing you with the help and support that you will need to raise your
child. I will go to my grave saying that I am the father that I am solely because of the mother that partners with me. My son's mother LaShaun and I have a pretty detailed system. She brings our son to me in the mornings, I prepare his lunch, press his uniform, and take him to school. If there are any situations or emergencies at school, either Jonathan or the school calls me. I leave work and go up there for any parent-teacher conferences. At the end of his day (not mine) I leave work and pick him up from school, go over his homework, mom comes over after she leaves work and takes him to baseball practice or home. Our routine is like a dance that we've perfected over time. On a side note, when dropping your child off to their
mother’s house on Sunday, hug them like it could be the last time that you were ever going
to see them. Say the words, “I Love You” and stop assuming that they
know that you love them. With everything that is going on in their lives, they
need to hear this from you. They need and deserve your assurance.
4. Technology is a wonderful addition to frequent communication.
Social media, emails, and texting are great tools for communicating. However, a
simple letter (snail mail) works wonders with kids. The feeling of receiving a
letter from someone never goes stale. Close your eyes and picture your child
receiving mail from you 2-3 times a week. Picture the smiles on their faces
when they see a letter confirming your love, or when they see pictures that
display your time together. I promise you, this is priceless! Every week for a year, I sent Jonathan a card in the mail and wrote in it some words to encourage him and reminded him that I love him. They live not even 15 minutes from me if I walked to his house, 5 minutes if I drove, but the fact that he looked for me via the mailbox was a special game that we played and I'll never forget that. Do you know how hard it is to find a card for a child every week, without repeating? That happened one time, and he called me and told me that he got that card already. I told him it wasn't the same because of what I wrote inside of it, but I played it off. I really didn't know I got a duplicate, but I stepped up my game and didn't make that mistake again.
5. Time is more important than being a bank for your child.
Giving your child money is great, but taking your child to the park to throw a
ball back and forth, or going to the library to get their first library card, or opening
up their first bank account are the things that your children will remember in the long run. In 2005, probably the most difficult parenting moments I ever experienced, my father was with me as I tried to grow up and be the man I was supposed to be, watching me every step of the way. The most profound thing my father would tell me, I carry with me to this day: "Jonathan needs you to be more of a watch to him and less of a wallet." That man from Cotton Valley, Louisiana changed my life completely from then on!
All of your technology (computer screen savers, tablet backgrounds, and your mobile devices) should
have pictures of you and your children. These are just a few behind-the scene-things that I did that help to
solidify my relationship with my son. I was working for him during the
time that I was not with him. I was constantly thinking about what I can do
for him and with him during the off week, and I have to admit that it help to
fill the time that I did not have him. In addition, it proved to me and to my
son and to the world that I could be a loving, caring, and involved single
dad, and not be singled out through stereotypes of men not being a father to their children.
