Change Him, or Change Yourself?

How many times have you told yourself that he will change? Have you ever thought you could change him? Are you frustrating yourself (and maybe him) in your efforts to change his behavior? Maybe you’ve been in this situation or you probably know someone who has. Maybe you’ve been successful, or maybe you’ve had your heart broken. Either way, one thing is sure: he won’t change if he doesn’t want to. Well, I’m not going to give you advice on how to change your man. Instead, let me share a bit of insight on what you can do during the dating process. Consider it a better way to playing in the relationship chess match.

1) Determine if it’s a deal breaker. OK so maybe he has some annoying little habits like cracking knuckles or whatever. Is it something you can live with? I mean, I’m sure we all have some annoying habits. In fact, often we don’t even realize we do them. If you determine that it’s not a “deal breaker”, you’ll learn to live with it and maybe even (nicely) bring it to his attention if he is unaware. Careful though, he might bring up some of your quirks too. The point is, if it’s something you can live with, don’t make a big deal out of it. Now there are some things that should just be obvious deal breakers for someone looking for a serious relationship. These are called non-negotiables.

2) Non-Negotiables. Substance abuse, excessive drinking, violence, anger problems. Don’t expect these things to go away as he “grows up”. Things like these should not be tolerated. You deserve better so just avoid guys like that. No guy is worth getting beat up over. Don’t go into a serious relationship hoping that he will change or grow out of a “non-negotiable”. Non-negotiables don’t have to just be negative things you don’t want, but think of some positive things that you want in your future mate. I believe that having a similar outlook on life, dreams and sharing the same faith are also very important. It’s good to have an idea what you want before getting too serious.

3) Make a list. Even before you start dating, write down a list of the positive things you would like in your future mate, and the negative things you don’t want. Then determine how important they are to you. For example, have some non-negotiable deal breakers and some things you would like, but could live without. Just be serious and realistic. You deserve to be treated well.

4) Rate Your Date. OK, I don’t mean go home after your date and grade him on a scale of 1 to 10. But pull out your list. Does he hit one or more of your non-negotiables? Cut him loose. Is he missing some of your “would like, but don’t need’s”? Give him a chance. The “would likes” should just be a guideline. If you go into your dates knowing what you want and don’t want, then you’ll better be able to weed out the bad ones before you get too attached.

5) Review before getting too serious. So maybe you’ve been on a few dates and things are going good. Maybe you’re thinking about getting more serious with each other. This is where I would suggest having a look at your non-negotiable deal breakers again. Most people are on their best behavior when first dating. It can take several dates until you are both more comfortable and more personality traits start to surface. This is where many people make the mistake of thinking “he will change”. You made a list of non-negotiables for a reason. Doesn’t matter how rich or good looking he is, review that list of non-negotiables and stick with it. That’s why it is so important to be serious and think long and hard when making your list.

The most important thing is to know what you want in your mate and how you want to be treated. With that being said, make sure you treat him the way you want to be treated. Now it's your move...

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Why The Smartest Women Can Do The Dumbest Things

Have you ever looked back over your past relationships and said to yourself  “What the hell was I thinking???" As you honestly reflect on your past relationships, you will see that the red flags were waving all around you. There was a chance you may not have picked up on them because you were blinded by what you thought was love. But if you get real with yourself you will see that the red flags were there, waving right in front of your eyes, almost from the very beginning. But you chose to ignore them, right? So why is it when it comes to matters of the heart its easy for you to make the wrong decisions over and over again? One word…EMOTIONS!

You see, as human beings we are primarily driven by the emotional part of our brains. It doesn’t make a difference what our logical brain says, if we are emotionally attached to an outcome or situation, we almost always make the choice and decision based on what satisfies our immediate emotional needs. You will do this in almost every aspect of your life. You complain about your weight and how you don’t like what you see in the mirror, yet you will eat that extra piece of cake. You say you can’t afford something, but when there is something you really want, you break out the credit card and charge it even though your balances are getting harder and harder to pay off. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our dating and relationships. You continue to stay with a guy, sometimes for years, no matter how happy and unfulfilled you are. Your intuition is telling you to run but you continue to stay. Why? Because your emotions are running the show. No matter how your reality sucks you come up with every excuse, justification and rationalization as to why you should stay. Why? Because emotionally you want to stay.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give your girlfriend advice in her love life but when it comes to your own you don’t practice what you preach? It’s easy for you to see that the guy she is with isn’t treating her the way she deserves and you have no problem pointing out what is wrong with her relationship. To you it’s obvious what she should do, yet when you are in the same situation, you do the opposite. It doesn’t make a difference how educated you are, if you don’t learn to operate from the logical part of your brain and make your choices and decisions based on what is right and best, you will continue to ride the "dating and relationship rollercoaster". And please don’t pull that “But I love him” crap. Love does not mean that you become a human doormat for a guy to walk all over you and treat you in a way less than you deserve. If I hear another unhappy and unfulfilled woman say “But I love him”, I’m gonna puke. That is not love…and you know it!

Love is two people honoring each other, respecting each other and enjoying the journey of life together in ways that make each other happy, and make each others life better. Here’s the deal. If you allow your emotions to dictate your choices and decisions you are going to continue to make dumb mistakes. You can blame all the men in the world, and you can complain how hard dating and relationships are, but if you take a good, honest look in the mirror and get real with yourself, you will see that you are making things hard and the reason you are making things hard is because your emotions are running you. So here is a simple word of advice that I teach my coaching clients. If you want to know what is the right and best choice for you in any moment, pretend that your friend is going through the same experience. Then step back and see what advice you would give her, and then follow that advice. It’s that simple.

Once you learn to control and manage your emotions and make choices and decisions which are in alignment with what it is your heart really desires, you will see that dating and making the right choices becomes much easier. Yes, there will be times that the emotions kick in and start leading you down the wrong path but because you will be better prepared to make the better choice it will be easier for you to create result you really desire, and deserve...

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