When To Say Those Three Little Words

So you think you've met the man of your dreams? Does your heart sing? Does your pulse race? Do you walk around all starry-eyed, having trouble thinking about anything other than him? You want to tell him that you love him, and that you think that he's "The One"...but you don't want to seem clingy, or scare him off. We've all heard horror stories about one partner telling the other that they love them, and then getting the "thanks, but no thanks" response. Maybe you've experienced it yourself, adding to your fears. So how do you tell him that you love him without coming off like a creepy stalker?

1) Choose the right place and the right time. Think hard about when and where you want to tell him. If you're worried that he won't respond with enthusiasm, it helps to be prepared. Maybe you'd like to tell him on the anniversary of when you met, or at the place you first kissed, or over dinner at your favorite restaurant. Set the stage for romance and he'll respond more positively.

2) Make sure you can back it up. Before you blurt out "I love you," tell him what you appreciate about him. Compliment him and tell him what it is about him that you really like. Tell him how wonderful he makes you feel when you're together and why you value your relationship. Be sincere, and be specific. Let him know that you value him for the many things that make him unique and special.

3) Consider the type of person he is. If he's a fun-loving, casual type, setting up a full-scale romantic assault may actually make him feel more nervous than passionate. He might respond better if you slip "I love you" into a conversation over a picnic lunch, or while laughing at one of your favorite movies. By the time you get to expressing your love, you should know him pretty well - so pick a time and a place that will be most comfortable for him.

4) Share it, don't demand it. You want to tell him how you feel, not blackmail him into saying it back. He may not be ready to say it yet, and if he feels pressured he'll resent you for it. And no matter what you do, never blurt it out as part of an argument. Screeching, "But I love you!" isn't romantic, it's pretty disturbing and very selfish.

5) Take the coward's way out. If you can't bring yourself to flat-out say "I love you," try a less pressure-filled way of saying the same thing. "I love having your arms around me," "I love how you look in that shirt" and "I really love the way your eyes twinkle when you smile" are smaller declarations, and a good way to gauge his feelings.

6) Don't say it while under the influence. A glass of wine may give you the courage to say those three little words, but several glasses of wine will just make you sloppy and silly. Besides, think of the message you're sending him if it looks like you had to get drunk to tell him you love him! Do it while sober, so both of you know that you mean exactly what you say.

7) Be prepared for the worst (a spinoff of #4).  No matter how much you fantasize about him saying "I love you" back, Don't place all your hopes on it. He may not be ready. Worse, he may not feel the same way about you. Saying "I love you" should be a gift from you to him, not a demand to reciprocate. And if you pin all your hopes on him responding in exactly the way you've imagined, you may very well be disappointed.

Have a back-up plan in place in case he doesn't return your feelings. Know in advance that you may end up crying into your pillow or sitting up late with a girlfriend grumbling about your broken heart. If he says "I love you" back, that's great. But if he doesn't, it'll go better for you if you've already prepared yourself for that possibility. Above all, remember that saying "I love you" doesn't really change anything. While it may be the ending to every romantic movie, exchanging those words doesn't mean happily ever after. It just means that you're moving into a slightly different phase of your relationship. There is still a lot to share with each other, and who knows what joys and challenges lie ahead?

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The Tale of Two Men: Mr. Fabulous vs. Mr. Strong and Steady

Here’s a really simplistic way to evaluate men. Let’s just put men into two categories: One group of men we’ll call fabulous, and the other will be those that are strong and steady. Realize with all things, this isn’t to say that there are men who are entirely fabulous or that there are men who are only strong and steady. Usually a ratio of 60-40 is a good measurement. These are going to be their predominant way of relating to you and relating to the world around them.

Fabulous men are those who tend to go more up and down with their moods. When they are feeling energized and good about themselves, they can be very exciting but also very intimate, quiet, and focused. They have an ability to use their intuition at times to almost read a woman’s mind. They may or may not be loud and they may not be the life of the party, but there is an emotional connection that a woman feels with a man like this that seems almost magical and effortless. This is the type of man that a woman is most likely to say, “We just clicked when we first met. It was as though he could read my mind.” This type of man has the ability to make a woman feel very excited, energized, alive, and passionate.

A strong and steady man doesn’t have the swings in mood that the fabulous one does. It’s not that he can’t be empathetic. It’s not that he can’t be engaging and kind and gracious. It’s just that this type of man usually takes longer to get to know before you feel any of these things from him. These men tend to be a little more guarded with their feelings and have their relationships move at a slower pace. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a man that professed his love early in the relationship, you are almost assuredly not dealing with this type. A strong and steady man is safe and a bit more predictable than his counterpart, Mr. Fabulous.

Now initially, when I mention these two types of men, the obvious answer from most women is, “I want Mr. Fabulous.” I mean, based on what I just told you – who wouldn’t want someone exciting? If that’s all there was to these two types, the choice would be obvious. But there’s a downside that each of these types carries with them. A man that has a fabulous ability is often moody. That same quality that enables him to be intuitive and in touch with a woman’s feelings means he is going to be more in touch with his own feelings, even the darker ones. He’s not going to be as good at containing his doubts as Mr. Strong-Steady. The fabulous man is going to be one who will be more likely to experience doubts about a relationship once it is going well. Thinking that he’s gotten into a relationship and it is gone fast and effortless, this type of man will tend to think that the relationship should stay effortless forever. Once it’s not effortless, and there is the first inclination of boredom or the first disagreement comes about, he begins to question the entire relationship. Some of his questioning may be because of his childhood experiences and past unresolved issues. But even with years of therapy, this type of man will always have a tendency, even if it’s slight, to have doubts about a relationship from time to time because he’s more feeling-oriented than a man who is more stable. The fabulous man is very exciting but the downside is that his doubts and impatience will scare you from time to time.
 

Strong and steady men are more predictable, and therefore safer. This type of man is not going to have a lot of doubts once he has decided he cares for a woman. He will not have the mood swings because he does not get as high from excitement as often. The strong and steady type does not rely on the intensity of feelings that a fabulous man does. He feels deeply, but it takes him longer to achieve this emotional bond with a woman, and there is less concern of him being unfaithful. The downside of this type of man is that he will be a little boring at times. In reality, he really isn’t boring, but whenever anything is safe, it feels a little dull. A safe job, a safe stock, and safe friends aren’t as exciting because there isn’t as much to lose. The strong and steady man, because of his predictability, won’t provide as many emotional swings that some women crave. Many women love the drama that comes with relationships.

When I explain the two types of men with a client, inevitably they say, “I like a mixture of both.” Remember, every man is a mixture of both, but they will have one primary style of relating to the world. If you insist on having a perfect mixture of both (50-50), then what you really want in a husband is a father figure. If a man were to be equally both types, he wouldn’t need a woman in his life unless he’s looking for a woman to dominate. He doesn’t need anyone to make him complete. He’s complete in and of himself, or in other words, he’s narcissistic...he's me!

So the simple version about determining what type of man you want is to ask yourself this question: would you rather have a man that is going to scare you at times (with his self doubts or temper) or would you rather have a man who will bore you at times (with his steadiness and strength)? Not all the time, not even most of the time, but these uncomfortable traits will appear because every gift comes with a shadow. Remember, you can have either type of man you want, but the type of man you pick determines how you have to interact with him to maintain a relationship...

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