Saying Goodbye To Them Is Saying Hello To You

I’ve gone through a lot of changes, especially in my dating life, and I’m sure many single parents out there can relate. For a while, I bounced back and forth between playing the field, to not dating at all, to focusing on my son and myself. At the time, seeing a woman one or two times and then moving on to the next was easier for me than anything committal. Casually dating meant I didn’t have to worry about getting my heart broken, giving up my freedom, or introducing anyone to my son.

At a certain point though, I grew bored of all the me-time and hook-ups. Without even realizing it, the desire to fall in love again had crept back into my life. I no longer wanted to be alone, and found myself wanting something more serious than my usual flings, but just because I was ready to seriously date didn’t mean I was ready for a serious relationship, and in my single world, there’s a difference.

To me, seriously dating someone meant I’m not sleeping, making out with, or seeing anyone else. We’re exclusive, but the relationship part needs to evolve slowly. What’s wrong with dating exclusively for a while and getting to know one another before slapping that label across my forehead? As a single man at 50, I don’t feel I can be as carefree about falling in love or getting into a relationship as I was in my thirties and forties. It is no longer just about feelings and lust, there are so many other factors involved in my choosing a partner because my son’s future is at stake too.

Though I’ve been completely open to investing my heart and time in quality women that I meet, my first reaction to hearing the word “boyfriend” too soon is to cringe, or even worse, RUN. I’ve seen other men get giddy over being in a serious relationship, but for me, that’s where things get complicated.

Making a commitment like that means our lives are beginning to intertwine and I’m planning some type of a future with you, which means eventually introducing you to my kid. It also probably means there’s an expectation that someday we’re going to take things to the next level, like moving in together and even getting married. Deciding if I want to share my life with someone takes me way more than a handful of dates.

I’ve rushed into relationships many times before and that’s obviously never ended well. This time around I made a promise to myself to slow things down and go at my own pace, though that’s not always easy for me to speak up about and communicate to the women that come into my life. Recently a woman I was briefly seeing asked me about being committed, and with school being my primary focus, it just isn't where I am right now. Was she disappointed? I think we both were a little disappointed, but I couldn’t put her feelings above my own and end up in relationship I was not truly ready for. 

As awkward as the conversation was to have, I told her how I felt about her, but I was also honest about the fact that I needed to get to know her at my own pace before I was going to fully let her into the world I live in. Her being on the outside of that world looking into it at the moment was safe for me, but she wanted more and I understood that. Despite my thinking she would end things, I wasn’t hurt or pissed off. No grudges, no blocking them off social media, I'm good, she's good, we're good. School is my focus, and I have to remember that I can't give her what she wants, and as bad as it may sound, I am actually alright with that. 

A funny thing happened after we had that exchange; because she was able to be completely candid about her feelings and also listen to mine, my fears about labels subsided. Her willingness to not stick around obviously made me realize this one was not worth taking the leap into girlfriend territory, but it was worth me opening my eyes to today's dating methods. I think this is the first time in a long time I ever entered into a relationship being 100% authentically me, and that in itself felt pretty damn amazing.

Moral of the story? Don’t be afraid to express how you feel. Be honest with the person you are dating about what you are comfortable with. Lasting relationships are built on trust and communication, and we all want a lasting relationship, right? Be proud of who you are. Be your quirky yet AMAZING self who can accessorize your "big bag of ugly" like a champ! Anyone who can’t deal with that shouldn’t be in your life anyway. The right kind of partner will accept your imperfections and help carry your bag, so you both can enjoy the ride...

Finding "A Good One" Instead of Finding "The One"

Singles come to me to help them find love, and one of the things I commonly hear is, “I want to find Mr./Mrs. Right” or “I want to find ‘The One.’” Even people who are in a relationship ask me, “How do I know if the person I’m with is ‘The One’?”

One of the common criteria I hear that people use to determine if their partner is a good fit is whether there are problems while dating or in a relationship. “Delvin, if you’re with the right person, you’ll rarely experience conflict. Right? Right?!?”

Focusing on finding this ‘One’ person somewhere out there can be an early setup not only for relationship failure, but for keeping yourself single. It’s a very limiting approach whenever you meet someone, they have to meet your idea of Mr./Mrs. Right. If one thing doesn’t fit, or when you start having problems, it’s easy to dismiss this person and believe that there’s someone even better out there.

When you’re in the early stages of a relationship, it’s natural to overemphasize the positive and downplay any negatives, but when the infatuation wears off, you see your partner more realistically – including their faults. And what happens when problems pop up? Common beliefs I’ve heard:

"I’m just with the wrong person."
"Maybe there’s someone better out there."
"Things would be different with someone else."
"He/She is not my soulmate."

The reality is no matter who you are with, you will have problems. It’s impossible for two people to always agree in every situation – we’re too unique for that to happen. Since problems are inevitable, what it means for you when you’re dating is to date with the mindset of, “What can I live with? What can I compromise on? For example, one person you date may be chronically late, another may drink a little more than you’re comfortable with, and another may want to spend more time with you than you want to with them. You have to determine whether behaviors such as these are deal breakers or if you can live with them or find a workable compromise.

So instead of looking for “The One,” look for a “Good One.” A man or woman who treats you well, accepts you as you are, listens to your needs and is willing to compromise are essential for relationship success. Obviously, you have to be this kind of person as well. You can’t be too rigid, want things your way, think you are always right, and expect to be in a happy relationship. Respect each others differences and manage them so you both feel like you can win when conflict arises.

Bottom line, if you trade your current date or partner for another, you will trade one set of problems for another. Trust me, the good ones come with their own "big bag of ugly" no matter who you are with. No one is perfect and remembering this can lead to a more satisfying relationship...