What You Really Say During The Silent Treatment

At one time or another we all have been either on the giving end or receiving end of the silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize (or you probably knew this all along) is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment, believe it or not, you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child in time out starts to feel ostracized, feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again. The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.

Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person, that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state and need some time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other. To me, I don't know which is worse. Nothing positive comes from either type of behavior, but what makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less about the relationship.

It’s interesting to me that research has shown that women and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Women who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize, where men…just don’t. They just deal with it. But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them, and I find that pretty interesting...

But not everyone who uses the silent treatment is trying to control others. Often, especially with men, the silent treatment is used to gain control of their own overwhelming emotions. Men are particularly vulnerable to being overwhelmed, especially in their interactions with women. Brain researchers have confirmed that women are generally better able to identify and express their own emotions than men are. And they're quick to pressure men to do the same.When men are pressured to talk about feelings before they're ready, their brains freeze up, and they shut down. Then they withdraw. They're not trying to control anyone, they're overwhelmed. Their brain circuits are receiving too much information, so they pull away simply to regain control of themselves.

People use the silent treatment to protect themselves from harm, real or imagined. Whenever we feel threatened emotionally or physically, our brain circuits get flooded with adrenaline. We feel scared, and our bodies go into "the 3 f's": fight, flight, or freeze mode. Shutting down is another term for freeze mode. It's what rabbits do when they see a bird of prey circling overhead. Their bodies freeze in order to protect themselves from harm.

This is what happens to men when the girlfriend or wife gets hurt or angry and start pressing them for answers. Usually, the woman is well-prepared for the discussion. She's stayed up half the night thinking about it, and she's already talked about it with her best friend. She knows what she's feeling, and even thinks she knows what he's feeling. She talks fast, and is filled with emotion. She makes her argument, cites the evidence and casts the judgement.

Her boyfriend or husband on the other hand, just got blind-sided. He didn't even know he was in trouble, or if he did know, he was hoping it would just go away. He feels like that rabbit that has just been cornered and is now being poked and prodded. He's out-smarted, out-talked, unprepared, and overwhelmed. As a result, he freezes, he shuts down, and the silent treatment is automatic. It feels like the only way he can protect himself from being attacked is by giving the silent treatment.

The last reason people resort to the silent treatment is to protect others from harm. Remember, when people feel threatened, their bodies do one of three things: fight, flight, or freeze. A lot of factors determine which response each of us will favor. Men who want better relationships with their partners, must learn to restrain their urges to vent their anger whenever they feel threatened or hurt. Until they learn how to identify and express their hurts, often their only method for protecting others from harm, is by shutting down. 

It's a rather lenghty view today, but I'd like to know what your views are on this. You can leave your comments here, or email therealcakebossblog@gmail.com, or call the Relationship Lessons Hotline 773-888-2716.