T'was the Day Before Valentine

There are a lot of people who are running around losing their minds, trying to figure out what to do for Valentine's Day. The one thing I can tell you is if you are ripping and running around trying to make sure you have ONE DAY covered, and you miss the opportunity to show your love during next 364 days, you have failed as a man in love. Given her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas, the remaining days in the year are up to you. So as I prepare this on the evening of February 12th, I have been in bed with the flu since the 9th. I stopped the presses to interrupt what would normally be inserted here to address what may be considered a guide to help out the men. I am being asked all types of questions via email and Facebook asking "what would I do situations", so here are all the tips and hints you'll need counting down to V-day tomorrow, and the 320 days remaining in this year as well if you play your cards right...

1. You should never ask a woman, "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" The best present is to show that you "get her," which means you don't have to ask.

2. If you listen to her, she'll throw you a few hints. Look out for comments like, "I really need a ________," "Her necklace is so beautiful" or "When's the last time we spent the day together" or "We've never been to that restaurant". If she says anything like this, that means she wants it.

3. Avoid any stuffed animal holding a cheap, red heart-shaped box. The entire red and pink aisle at your local CVS and Walgreens pharmacy should only be scouted by high school freshmen boys.

4. If she bugs you for a massage every night, book her one with a professional. Can't bear someone else's hands all over her? Pretend she's at a spa and you're the masseuse. Buy massage oil, set up a table, and rub her back until she tells you to stop. It'll be happy ending for all.

5. Valentine's Day is not all about material objects. In fact, the more material it is, the less impressed she'll be. An electric razor? She'll be more likely to let her legs go prickly in protest than use it. If you want to purchase something, stick to the jewelry and smell goods.

6. You can cook a nice dinner, light a few candles, and share a decadent dessert, and it'll be more meaningful and intimate than any high-priced restaurant reservation.

7. Pick up or order a pricier bottle. Life's too short to drink cheap wine.

8. Don't wait until the last minute to pick out flowers. All you'll get is the last dog-eared bouquet. Actually, forget the flowers. They're overpriced this time of year, and you should really only give them when you want to cheer her up or say, "I'm sorry." They're the most last-minute gift you can give.

9. ...Unless you use the flowers more creatively. For some reason, women get wound up seeing roses torn up in little pieces and covering the bed or floating in a warm bubble bath you've drawn for them.

10. In the beginning of a serious relationship, get her a baby-potted plant. Attach a note that says, "I hope our relationship grows". If she waters it, she wants to keep you. And if you end up marrying her, it'll be a great memory.

11. Write her a poem. Even if it sounds like one of Adam Sandler's ballads, nothing says love like, "Your butt looks so good in those jeans. I promise next time, I'll lay off the beans."

12. If it's booked, don't panic. You want to take her on a Valentine's weekend getaway, but all the places you choose aren't available. Don't ditch the idea, just choose another weekend. She won't mind the wait, as long as you tell her what's in store.

13. Don't leave all the nasty chocolates in the box you gave her. As a matter of fact, a real chocolate connoisseur would sample them before you give them to someone else.

14. Never sign a card with just "Love, Larry." Women skim over all the commercially printed words on there to see if you've written a message from your heart. If words really can't express how you feel about us, then you better draw a picture.

15. Don't go too crazy your first few Valentine's Day's. Remember, every year you'll be expected to top last year's gift, so pace yourself.

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