Making Yourself More Approachable

In your quest on finding "The One", it’s pretty easy to get hung up on yourself:

On your looks: Am I pretty enough? Thin enough? Am I dressed right for this date?

On your actions: Should I call him? Do I reach for the check or let him grab it? What if he invites me in – should I go?

On your words: I can’t believe I just said that! Now he’ll never ask me out again.

When you’re so focused on “getting the guy,” you can put undue pressure on yourself to be perfect. Well, I have a little secret for you: Most men are just as nervous, unsure, eager and anxious about dating as you are…if not MORE SO. That’s right, we've got the same fears, insecurities, hopes and desires that you do. Isn’t that a relief? You may feel like a total mess inside, but many men see you and think, “Wow. Look at her. She’s amazing. I’d never have a shot with her”. Don’t believe me? There are hundreds – probably thousands – of websites devoted to teaching men how to become a "Pick Up Artist". These Pick Up Masters show clueless men how to attract women through pick-up lines and patented “moves”. Men all over the world follow these Gurus like it’s a religion, because they so desperately want to meet a woman just like you and get your attention. I just came across a site the other day that is giving men some terrible advice. It actually suggested a man use this line on a woman in a bar: “I noticed you over there, and I find you very sexy. Tell me something about yourself”. Yuck! And it gets worse, another recommendation to get a woman’s attention: “Master a magic trick”. Seriously?

So, given the fact that there are men out there who want to meet you but don’t know how to approach you, I will be start my own charity: The Save the Clueless Man Foundation. Ladies, instead of allowing your beauty and charm to intimidate men and force them to turn to these misguided Pick Up Artists sites that feed them cheesy lines and set them up for failure, do your best to be warm, open and approachable so these men can feel comfortable being themselves and talking to you like real people! How can YOU help Save the Clueless Man? Here are 6 ways you can encourage him to approach you:

1. BE A BILLBOARD FOR HAPPINESS. When you’re excited about life, it shows, AND it rubs off on others. People gravitate toward happy people because they want the contentment that they have. So wipe that scowl off your face, curb the cynicism, and radiate the most positive energy you can muster. If you’re finding this difficult to do, start the day by making a gratitude list of things you’re thankful for. It can be your health, your charmingly crooked smile, or even your dog’s unconditional love. This will definitely change your outlook. People are much more likely to approach someone who is smiling, laughing, and happily engaged with her surroundings rather than the frowning, hunched over person muttering complaints under her breath. 

2. USE APPROACHABLE BODY LANGUAGE. Did you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? That means 93% is nonverbal body language. In other words, your actions (very literally) speak louder than your words. If someone spots you across the room but you have your arms folded across your chest, that sends the subconscious signal “Stay away. I’m closed off”. Conversely, if your posture is good and your shoulders are back, opening up your frame, it sends the message that your heart is open to possibilities even if he’s not consciously aware of it. When you’re engaged in conversation, leaning in toward the person you’re speaking with conveys interest (that’s when being in a loud, crowded bar can work to your advantage). It gives you a legitimate reason to lean in and talk in one another’s ear, which creates a connection. If you’re seated, pointing your legs toward the person you’re interested in also sends an unspoken message. Very literally, it is the act of aligning your body with his that signals, “we’re in line with one another”.

3. ATTRACT ATTENTION WITH A PROP. When someone wants to meet you, they’ll usually look for any reason under the sun to strike up a conversation. Any kind of prop – your dog, a t-shirt with a funny slogan on it, your tennis racket slung over your shoulder, a sweatshirt with your alma mater’s logo, a funky piece of jewelry, a book with an intriguing title on the cover – these are all things that someone might feel compelled to make a comment on or approach you about. If you can give someone just a little something more than “Uh, hello” that they can grasp onto and make small talk with, you’ve instantly become more approachable.

4. SPARK UP SPONTANEOUS CONVERSATION. Sometimes, a person might be too shy, too preoccupied, or too oblivious to their surroundings to initiate a conversation with you. That doesn’t mean that you have to let the opportunity pass you by. Let’s say you’re at Starbucks, and you spot a nice looking stranger standing in line in front of you. You hear them order a Mocha-Choca-Latte. That’s YOUR order too! You move over to the pickup area, and the barista calls out “MOCHA-CHOCA-LATTE for Erica”! This is the perfect opportunity to acknowledge your shared love of the same beverage as a possible way to break the ice and spark up a conversation. What if, instead of dashing out the door, you grab your drink, tip it toward your dream man in as if you were toasting “cheers” and say a funny, innocuous little thing like, “Breakfast of Champions”. Maybe he’ll simply smile. But maybe, just maybe he’ll say, “You’re telling ME. I can’t even function until I’ve had two of those…” Bonding over your caffeine habit might lead to introducing yourselves by name, even exchanging business cards. You never know, just by being the one to go out on a limb and initiate conversation, you could be opening the door to a special connection!

5. A LITTLE FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE. One of the most basic needs we all have as people is to be accepted. Which is why someone giving us a little compliment like “Wow…that shirt really brings out your eyes” can make our whole day. Often, when someone gets up the courage to approach us, they’ll start out with small talk and wait for some kind of signal that we’re interested before they take the risk to ask us out. A small, genuine, well placed compliment could be just the green light they’s looking for. If you’re not sure what constitutes a flattering compliment, consider what you would like to hear yourself. Obviously, catcalling “nice butt” isn’t going to help your case, but commenting on the book they’re reading with a playful, “I can see you’ve got great taste…that’s my favorite book” just might.

6. LOOSEN UP AND LAUGH. Everyone is nervous and a little unsure of themselves when they meet someone new. And when you’re nervous, you’re probably not going to come off as completely polished and pulled together as you’d like. Guess what? This is a GOOD thing. Believe it or not, one of the quickest ways to endear yourself to the opposite sex is by letting them catch a glimpse of your vulnerability or humanity. This lets them know that it’s ok to let their guard down a little bit. Now I don’t mean that you should burst into tears or wear your heart on your sleeve. I just mean that if you fumble your words a little or accidentally take a sip from their drink instead of yours, go ahead and have a laugh. They’ll think it’s totally cute, not clumsy. Take a cue from one of the most endearing moments in awards ceremony history: Jennifer Garner, an actress who’s known for her highly physical role, walked up to the podium to present an Oscar, tripped on her gown, and fell on her face. She jumped up, brushed herself off, and without missing a beat said, “I do my own stunts”. It got a huge laugh. I don't recommend you hurl yourself down a flight of stairs, but you get the point. Learn to laugh at yourself, everything in life isn't supposed to be serious all the time...

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