Monday, April 15, 2013

The Curse of the Relationship Jackpot

Wouldn’t it be amazing to win the Lottery? Overnight you’d go from stressing about budgets and bills (like we all do), to having more cash than you could count. You could pay off your mortgage, or buy a new house, or surprise each person in your family with a shiny new car, or go on spending sprees where nothing is off-limits. All of your problems would be solved! Or would they? You see, there’s something called The Curse of the Lottery. If you Google it, you’ll find dozens of stories of people who were destroyed by a sudden windfall of wealth. Without a plan for their new lives (or in some cases, common sense), they were torn apart by divorce, drug and alcohol addiction, family jealousy and greed. Um OK, where am I going with this, you may ask? That sure is a dramatic analogy, but it reminds me of what happens when some people hit the “jackpot” of love: They finally have everything they’ve ever wanted in a man or woman, then they do everything in their power to completely sabotage the relationship.

Let’s use Maggie (not her real name) as an example. After years of being in one dramatic, unhealthy relationship after another, she was finally ready for a change. She’d decided it was time to put in the work to find "The One" and create a healthy, committed, lasting relationship. She worked on her self-esteem issues. She cleared away some of the negative beliefs from her past and started to realize that yes, she did deserve love. She stopped chasing guys who weren’t interested, and instead allowed her feminine charm and confidence to radiate, attracting available men without her having to do much of anything. Instead of her usual method of operation (hopping into bed at the first sign of a man showing interest) she learned that she was worthy of being courted and taking her time. She got to know the men she was dating, and became secure in being selective. Then…JACKPOT! Maggie struck it rich in love. She met Mr. Right: handsome, smart, funny, charming, successful, and — here’s the best part — TOTALLY INTO HER! He couldn’t get enough of her. He took her on dates, and at the end would say, “When can I see you again? What are you doing tomorrow?” He complimented her beauty, her brains, he told her she made him feel like he had a new lease on life. After dating for a while, he told her, “I am in love with you, and although I know we need to take our time, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” [Cue the "Hallelujah" chorus] So what did Maggie do? Email me her Relationship Lesson and then ride off into the sunset with her perfect new man, enjoying her Happily Ever After? Unfortunately, no. Maggie freaked out.

One of her emails read, “I don’t know what my deal is. I love this man. I’m trying to believe he loves me. But it all seems too good to be true. I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like one day I’ll wake up and it will all be a dream, or maybe he’ll wake up and realize I’m not what he wants after all.” I encouraged her to hold tight to her new, healthy approach to relationships. She said she would, and then her communication with me dropped off for several weeks. During this time Maggie backslid into her old habits and behaviors. Instead of feeling confident and worthy, she began to let insecurity and fear take hold. And then she did everything in her power to sabotage this amazing new relationship. You see, Maggie was used to heartache and settling for less than she deserved. Even though it was painful, it felt familiar. A healthy partnership with a man who cherished her was almost too much to take. For too long she had trained herself not to hope too high, not to expect too much, all to protect herself from disappointment. But where Maggie went wrong is that she failed to follow through. Unlike some other methods out there, this is not some manipulative set of tricks to snag a man. It’s a way of life that starts with cultivating love from the inside out. You can’t just drop everything you’ve learned once you get the guy. You have to make a choice every day to keep building your self esteem, to believe in your worthiness, to strive to understand men better, and most importantly, to date yourself first.

Maggie and I are back in touch and, with some encouragement, she is getting back on track. Luckily her guy is so smitten with her, that he didn’t get scared away by a few bumps in the road. I won’t get too far into details, but suffice to say Maggie (again, not her real name) brought up some heavy conversations too soon and exhibited some unwarranted jealousy. I think these two could really make it, provided Maggie can let go of the fear and allow herself to enjoy the feeling of being loved just for being her. Don’t let yourself fall victim to The Curse of the Relationship Jackpot...

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