Sex, Sex, Sex Everywhere But Here!

Yesterday morning I asked a question on my RL Facebook page to my 35,000 friends worldwide: Whether you're in a relationship now, or not in one at the moment, and you're choosing not to have sex, how do you get away from the pressure not being sexual presents from your friends, your partner, or even yourself? As of last night, over 7,000 saw the question, read the question, considered the question, but no one answered. Which goes to show just how major the struggle is sometimes. So I think it's time for me to offer a quick confession to level the playing field... 

I know this may come as a surprise since I'm so dashingly charming and overwhelmingly wonderful, but I have not had sex in a really long time. At least a really long time to me, and I'm kind of going crazy about it. My poor body is like, “Hey, remember when someone used to touch us? Wasn't that great? Why don’t we do that anymore?” In my mind, I just can’t seem to seal the deal. Either I get convicted and go back and forth with no sex before marriage, or I can’t seem to attract anyone worthwhile that I’d actually want to have sex with. Who am I kidding? It’s like right now I have a big glowing sign only visible to the opposite sex which reads, “DO NOT GET BUSY THIS DUDE.” And I know you’re all judging me like, “You’re a guy, and a reasonably attractive guy. Just get with someone already.” But that’s not the kind of sex I want. I don’t want just boring, nothing sex. I don’t want bad sex (or maybe I do). I’d almost take bad sex at this point, and that is a REAL sign of desperation on my part. But then the spiral starts all over again and I get all depressed because I don’t even want to try. So yeah, it’s been a long time.

Maybe I’ll reach a zen place in my life where sex won’t matter to me anymore. Maybe I will go so long without it, that I’ll fill my life with some other totally meaningful stuff. I stop having sex and then, I don’t know, I'll start taking vitamins and exercising regularly and find a cure for cancer or something. A friend of mine took a vow of celibacy and then he swears that his music and his voice improved. So maybe I have secret talents and superpowers that will burst forth once I’ve not had sex for the appropriate duration. The way I see it, I could be a prodigy and never even have known it because of all the hormones. It’s been so long that every movie, commercial, strong breeze, mosquito bite, or whatever picture of Sanaa Lathan I see makes me horny. If someone touched my elbow the right way I could probably orgasm. (That’s not true, but it’s like sort of true.) Right now I really miss it. Not just any sex, but the good kind of sex where you’re sweaty and feeling like Superman afterwards and you have to catch your breath and you’re just like, “Damn. This is what humans were made for.” Where everything is in sync and you’re hitting all the right notes and afterwards you just want to drink some Gatorade, grab your woman and do it again and again and again. But another part of me is starting to think, “it’ll never happen again, so why bother?”

I feel like this is a situation some of you can totally relate to, so don't be so quick to judge me. We've all at one point have become so used to not having sex that we just start to give up. We should start expending our energy and thoughts and desires elsewhere. Maybe we should take up Zumba, or join a book club, or volunteer in a soup kitchen, or tandem jump out of an airplane. We should just do all these non-sexual activities and put it out of my mind. Except, you know what happens when you say “don’t think about elephants.” You immediately think about elephants having elephant sex (isn't that how that goes?). I don’t know what to do when it’s been this long. It’s become a cycle of wanting to have sex, but then it’s been so long that I don’t want to because I start thinking really super crazy stuff, like what if I forgot some important moves, or what if it’s too much work, or what if the other person sucks? And so then I don’t, and we’re right back where we started. Horny because of a random thought or something...

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