The Marriage Advice I Wished I Had

Here is a rare moment blogging moment. While I'm at home completely dazed and confused from cold medicine, I decided to put out a second blog today. I might be bored out of my mind, or maybe the NyQuil is winning out, but I was thinking of random relationship stuff and I typed this out when I normally I use a speaking software  I guess I'm too nasal for it to recognize what I'm trying to say. Anyway, I’m not that much of a relationship expert, but there’s something about going through a divorce that gives you perspective of things you wish you would have done different. After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 12 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had. It's advice that I probably did have at one point, but I can admit that I was probably too selfish and stubborn to acknowledge it at that time.

#12 ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

#11 FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

#10 BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share everything, especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK. If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

#9 GIVE HER SPACE. Women are so good at giving and giving, and sometimes they will need to be reminded to take time to nurture themselves. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing….(okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point). Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.

#8 DON’T BE AN IDIOT. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes, and so will she. Try not to make too big of a mistake, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid. 

#7 BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client, because SHE IS your most valuable client.

#6 BE SILLY. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh, and make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

#5 Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you. DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

#4 IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER. Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

#3 FALL IN LOVE OVER, and OVER, and OVER again! You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

#2 PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

#1 Never stop courting, never stop dating, NEVER EVER take that woman for granted! When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

 

In the end, marriage isn’t about the happily ever after, it’s about work, and a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happily ever after will come. These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again. When I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time. MEN, THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves at least that much from you.

I'm going back to bed now...

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