Last time I gave you the first two points in part one of How We Mess Up Unconditional Love, and I explained that we have the wrong idea as to what loving someone unconditionally actually means. You can review what I wrote, but the next three points will hopefully bring it all together...
3. Unconditional love is not a kind of love but a way of
loving. If you’re a parent, you know that you can love your child and
simultaneously hate what that child does. Your child’s horrible behavior
doesn’t make you stop loving your kid; but it does compel you to treat your
child differently in the moment and respond appropriately with corrective
action. So to say, “I love my partner unconditionally” doesn’t mean you
love that person with some mystical purity that transcends your everyday
interaction. Instead, it means that in every interaction, you come from a place
of love. That place of love means you act respectfully and treat your partner
as an equal. That place of love means you don’t judge or try to control. And
that place of love means you don’t hit below the belt and use your partner’s
vulnerability against him or her. Those are the conditions you don’t violate.
4. Unconditional love has boundaries. To understand
this, it helps to understand the value of boundaries and that boundaries are
not selfish. A boundary is not a condition you set that says, I’ll only love
you if you do "x" or I won’t love you if you do "y". A boundary is nothing more
than a healthy understanding of your own value and of what behaviors value and
devalue you. While it is necessary in some cases, particularly in
high-conflict relationships, to attach consequences (such as leaving) to the
violation of a boundary in an unconditional love relationship, consequences are
not needed. The consequence is the impact to the feelings of the person you
love whose boundary you have crossed. If your partner knows that coming
home late without calling makes you feel unappreciated and disrespected,
your partner can choose not to engender those feelings in you, because he or
she doesn’t want you to feel them. Setting a boundary is making your feelings
known, and respecting a boundary is making a choice to respect your partner’s
feelings and making that choice from love rather than fear of retribution.
Failing to express clear boundaries sets up a dysfunctional dynamic in
which partners cross lines and cause pain unintentionally, then suffer the
angry reaction to the offense, a pattern of interaction that erodes love
over time.
5. Unconditional love is not one-way. If you love your
partner unconditionally but your partner doesn’t love you
the same way, it’s damaging self-sacrifice, not unconditional love.
Similarly, you need to hold yourself to the same standard you expect from your
partner and that your partner adheres to. Unconditional love is a mutually
supportive dynamic in which both partners pull each other up to the healthiest
way of loving and neither partner tears the other down. Many people get stuck
in unhealthy, self-destructive relationships because they think that applying
the healing salve of what they believe is unconditional love to a
difficult or even abusive person will change that person into the
partner they desire. Trust me when I say, it doesn’t work. Despite our conscience and
sense of morality, the human tends to do exactly what it can get
away with. No more, no less. Your one-way unconditional love will never heal or
change your partner. It will only change you into a bitter and resentful
person. Demanding that your partner love you in a healthy, respectful, reciprocal
way (which sounds like setting a condition but is actually recognizing your
own self-worth) is the only way to improve your relationship.
I don’t know what you thought unconditional love was, but I’m betting
it wasn’t this. I know when I first fell in love, I thought it was
something different, and it took a long time and a lot of pain for me to
learn these truths. So I share them with you as an act of
love, a gift forged in the crucible of my suffering, because love isn’t
supposed to hurt. Abandoning yourself, sacrificing your happiness,
stifling your true character, and giving up your dreams is not unconditional
love. It’s unconditional surrender. It’s relinquishing the territory of your joy
before the first shot is even fired. To achieve intimacy, you do need to take
off your armor. But always remember, your heart is sacred ground...
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