Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The "What Ifs" We Deal With in Relationships



I may have a fear of commitment. I know it sounds cliché, and lame, and all the lead characters in all the romantic-comedies have them these days, but unfortunately it may be my reality. It's my honest belief that all fears, including that of commitment, flourish as a result of over thinking. What is the most common consequence of my over thinking? A constant storm of “what ifs” that effectively leads me to self-destruct in any potentially good relationship that might come my way. So, in an attempt to save myself and hopefully others from dying alone in a home surrounded by 37 cats, I outlined below a few “what ifs” that haunt me, along with good reasons to ignore each one:

What if I meet someone else? Anyone with a fear of commitment lives in constant awareness of just how many fish there really are in the sea. Yes they may rock, but there are also about a billion more rocking people you’ll probably meet in your lifetime. You met him or her on a random night out when you least expected it, so who’s to say you won’t meet another perfect man or woman on another random night out this weekend or next? The fact of the matter is that there are plenty of people out there and you will probably hit it off with many of them. But, that doesn’t make the one you met any less perfect. Stop comparing them to all the hypothetical ones who got away and rest assured, your current one may be the perfect one for you right now. If you honestly don’t feel that way in your heart of hearts, they just might not be right for you at all.

What if they stop loving me? Things are wonderful right now because everything is new, exciting and fun and you are both so into each other, but what happens a few months down the line when they catch you watching “Sister Wives” in sweats with a finger up your nose? What if they really got to know the real you, flaws and all, and it’s not good enough? What if all the excitement ends and they just get bored? This fear isn’t unfounded; it happens all the time. Couples can get disillusioned and fall out of love. But, you deserve somebody who loves the real you, flaws and all. Just sit back and think about how fantastic it would be to have someone who walks in on you watching “Sister Wives” in sweats with a finger up your nose and STILL loves you. Don’t you want that? Hell yes, you want that! The problem is you’ll never know you have it unless you let your guard down and try, especially with your finger up your nose.

What if I’m bad at it? What if you give it a shot and you suck at it? What if you’re a terrible girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do all the girlfriend/boyfriend things all relationship people know how to do, like send cute texts all day and remember anniversaries? What if you don’t know how to do all these things and you break their heart? For starters, things are already looking up because at least you’ve found someone you care about. Think about it; you actually care about this person so much that you are willing to end things with them (hurt yourself) on the off chance that you might do something wrong and hurt them. I’m really no expert, but I’d say that kind of love (yes, love) is enough to make a relationship work.

What if they get in the way of my plans? There is no doubt about it, you feel they are "The One". They make you feel all those things you thought people in country music songs lied about having. However, you’re planning on moving back to San Francisco in five years, and they want to stay in midtown Manhattan. One of you will have to eventually make a sacrifice. But with sacrifice comes resentment, and with resentment comes the end of the warm fuzzy romantic-comedy feeling you had. This one is probably the hardest one for us to accept, but a friend of mine gave me some good advice and I’ll share with you. News flash: falling in love is never planned. Better yet, life itself is never planned. Sure, break up with him if you want to and “save” yourself now, but I’m pretty sure moving back to San Francisco insanely broken hearted isn’t quite part of your plan either.

What if my heart gets broken? Why move forward and risk getting my heart broken when you could cut things short and make it out with just a little scratch? The sting of a scratch will heal much quicker than the agonizing pain of a real break. Cutting things off at the first sign of possible attachment is a surefire way to avoid any sort of agonizing heartbreak, even if they did make you feel like the coolest person to have walked the planet, and was basically perfect. You can keep your fear of commitment and successfully avoid ever having your heart really terribly broken, but in doing so, you’ll also sacrifice love.

You can cut relationships short all you want, but do you really want to go through life with nothing to show for it but a journal full of the ones who got away? My life is full of “what if” moments, and I’m sure that the answer may not always be found in my fear of commitment. I have work to get rid of the fear, and so do you, one “what if” at a time…

No comments:

Post a Comment