You’ve fallen hard, fast, and deep. This time for someone who truly adores
you, appreciates you, and thinks you’re the greatest. “Where has she been all
this time, all this wasted time?” you ask yourself. “Who cares!” you answer.
“I’ve found her now, and she’s mine!”
Ordinarily, a person’s excitement, enthusiasm, contentment, and delight are
solid signs that you’ve found a good match, someone you can be happy with and
build a life with over the long term. Unfortunately, the line between genuine
excitement and euphoria (that crazy, over-the-moon feeling) is thin,
and there is a reason why ecstasy is the name of a drug. You may be
singing from the mountain top, but if you’re high on your partner, or
rather high on your partner’s addictive behavior, you’re actually in need
of an intervention. You won’t see any of this because you’ll only see that
you’ve found the one. Did you hear me, I said “THE ONE”. And you’ll be too busy
thanking your lucky stars to notice the black hole you’re about to fall into.
If your partner exhibits all or most of the behaviors below, chances are
good that you’re being played by a charming narcissist or otherwise
psychologically unstable person. So watch out for these five signs, especially
if they’re grouped together. While I’ve written this for men seeking
female partners, it applies regardless of gender.
1. She worships you. I don’t mean she digs you and
thinks you’re terrific, I mean she thinks you walk on water. You’re perfect and
can do no wrong. You know you’re far from it, but it feels good to be put on a
pedestal, doesn’t it? You start to believe nothing on you can stink, until you and
your feet come crashing to the ground. If she’s holding you up as a
God-like human, you’re being set up to take a fall. Partners who start out worshiping, often turn in a vicious 180-degree shift that leaves you cut off
at the knees. Learn to distinguish genuine admiration for your good qualities, and
your actual accomplishments which is always based on reality. A
healthy partner will find fault with you where there’s fault to be
found, and she’ll call you on your crap.
2. She always wants to be alone with you. So why is
this a problem? She loves you, she wants to be with you, and she wants to do stuff
with you that lovers do in private. That’s all well and good and sexy, but
if her need to be with you competes with and isolates you from family and
friends, if she insists that she’s all you need and vice versa, and if
your efforts to maintain friendly ties and your social life are met with
jealousy, you’re dealing with an impeding disaster. A healthy relationship has
room for other relationships that you consider important. If you’re hearing the
words “I can’t live without you”, and experiencing the guilt they induce,
remember that this person lived their whole life before she met you and
survived just fine. A cage is a cage, even if the view is stunning and the
bars are made of gold.
3. She wants the exact same future you do. You want
the same style house, the same number of kids, the same names for your kids,
the same pets with the same names, and it’s only your first date.
You’ve barely gotten to know each other, and you’ve already moved in together
in your heads. The thing is, she’s so convinced and convincing that you’re the
one for her, that she’s making you feel certain that she’s the one for
you. This phenomenon is called mirroring, where you’re made to feel
immediately and intimately connected because you have so much in common and
share the same hopes and dreams. She likes everything you like, which means you
like everything she likes, which means you’re perfect for each other, which
means you need to slow down. First of all, you don’t want to date or marry
yourself. You’ll never learn anything and you’ll never grow through challenges.
Second, she’s your long lost twin but someone who’s molding herself to
what would make you more attracted. When the glue comes undone, you’ll
find out what she really likes, which most likely includes manipulating
you.
4. You’ll do anything for her. When you’re in love, you’ll
go all out, pushing your limits and stretching your resources to invest in the
relationship. If however, you’re falling all over yourself, trampling your own
boundaries and blowing through your bank account, it’s not a sign she’s the
love of your life. It’s a warning that you’re willing to sacrifice your
emotional health, your financial well-being, and even your self-esteem to be
with this person. This happens because you believe she’s THE ONE, the only one,
and you’re desperately afraid of screwing up and losing her. The truth is, the
one for you is one who encourages a healthy relationship based on mutual
respect and understanding. The one for you would not soak up your
self sacrifice, but see it as a red flag and tag you as a people
pleaser. So yes, you’ll do anything, but always within reason.
5. The sex is mind-blowing and all about your needs. Okay,
if you met someone like that, you’d say that you would be a fool to let her go.
You’d be a fool all right, a fool to believe that one way sex is long-term
sustainable. Like the worship and the mirroring, all-about-your-pleasure sex,
often combined with heaps of praise for your attractiveness (whether you’re hot
or not), is the flypaper that gets you to stick and keeps you stuck by keeping
a part of you stuck in a particular place. An emotionally healthy partner makes
her sexual needs and preferences known and expects you to be an equal partner
in the bedroom. One-way sex may be intensely enjoyable, but it’s not
intimate in the way that two people coming together to give each other mutual
pleasure is intimate. I know, it hurts to walk away, but trust me, it will hurt
more to stay because the moment you displease her, all that mind-blowing sex
will be withheld.
Love can feel giddy and unreal. But life is real and grounded. Relationships
are real and messy and not always happy and never perfect
- You want respect, not worship.
- You want to be in the world, not just their world.
- You want a future, not a fantasy.
- You want self-esteem, not self-sacrifice.
- You want intimacy, not service.
You want the one, but not just anyone. You want the one who is right for
you. Someone who will support, encourage and challenge you. The right one will
grow with you, flow with you, and most of all, keep it real with you too…
relationshiplessons.net
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