Monday, May 18, 2015

When You Love Someone Who Doesn't Know How To Love



Some of us know them better than others, while some of us claim that title ourselves. They’re the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getters with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance. Some might see them as cold and distant because they need a significant amount of alone time to keep from feeling scattered and spread so thin that they disappear. Sure they have family and friends who they love to spend much of their time, but it’s in their nature to crave those precious hours of solitude in being only with their thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene. Some call it antisocial, but they call it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, they’ve never been the type to “fall in love”. In fact, if they have ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things they’ve ever experienced, and they’re not usually one to be deterred. Perhaps they’re too focused on their goals to realize that love could be knocking on their door, or they’re so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes them uneasy. There’s also a chance that despite their outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, they’re extremely insecure. Or maybe they are simply afraid of opening themselves up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this person probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give. It doesn’t mean they’re a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with them will require an approach that’s more sensitive to their guarded heart. In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning what to do when you love a person who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient - Don’t expect them to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken them a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending their time with you. If they do appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that they’re actually terrified of what you’ll think of them if they ask to slow things down. So, they just muster the strength to submit themselves to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about their dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak them out enough to make them sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately, which is something they’re not afraid to do. To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal”. Remember, they’re not used to this, and too much at once will surely send them over the edge. Showing sensitivity to their pace will let them know that they don’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk - Because they spend so much of their time alone and in their head, this person might be under the impression that their thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. They rarely share the things on their mind, as they fear that whatever is in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think its over-dramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. They value deep conversation but feel that they can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all. So talk with them, let them know that they can say what’s on their mind, and don’t be afraid of their ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory they’ve been hung up on for weeks. If they apologize for rambling about it, tell them they don’t need to be sorry, they don’t need to suppress it. Make them feel that although they are certainly unique for having such thoughts, they aren’t crazy or abnormal. Tell them it makes them all the more beautiful, and then give it right back to them. Be sure to engage in their contemplation just as much as you listen; they want to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support them - Part of this person’s struggle with letting themselves be loved could be that they are relentlessly focused on their dreams and goals, so much so that they forget to make room in their life for other things, like relationships. It’s not something they do intentionally; they’re just extremely determined to achieve whatever they have set out to do. If they are forced to make a choice between a love life and their goals, they’ve already chosen the latter, so don’t make them choose. Certainly don’t make them feel guilty for not spending more of their time with you as a result, they’ll take that as another sign that they need to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point. Instead, you should support them. If you really love this person and they really love you, then they’ll welcome the encouragement. They’ll want to support you too, and you should let them; with a heart as passionate as theirs, you’ll want them on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole - Remember, an “independent person” is just that, an independent human with an ability to fend for themselves. They might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much they trust them. Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with them as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; they won’t treat it as such, and they definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole. Two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness. This includes honoring their need for alone time. They realize that you are a person with or without them and ask that you see them in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to them; they don’t want to rely on your presence, nor do they want you to rely on theirs.
 
Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with them unless you want them to feel so bombarded that they tailspin into a mess of tears, word vomit, and utter confusion that ends with them breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again. When you are together, then BE completely together. Let them know they are loved until they begin to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, they’ll come around. If they’re loyal by nature, they’ll stick around too, so don’t give them any reason to think you won’t. Truly, this person has a lot of love to give, even if they’re a bit awkward in showing it at first. They just needs time to figure things out for themselves, and to better understand how this works. Let them figure out that deep down, they just want to love and be loved just like anyone else. If they happen to let you close enough to love them, take it seriously. It means they’re trying. It means they want to love you, but remember that helping them learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win their heart…

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