Some of us know them better than others, while
some of us claim that title ourselves. They’re the self-sufficient,
somewhat mysterious go-getters with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though
not everyone sees it at first glance. Some might see them as cold and
distant because they need a significant amount of alone time to keep from
feeling scattered and spread so thin that they disappear. Sure
they have family and friends who they love to spend much of
their time, but it’s in their nature to crave those precious hours of
solitude in being only with their thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or
in the vastness of a quiet scene. Some call it antisocial, but they call
it sanity.
For any or all of these reasons and then some,
they’ve never been the type to “fall in love”. In fact, if
they have ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely
one of the most difficult and confusing things they’ve ever experienced, and
they’re not usually one to be deterred. Perhaps they’re too focused on their goals to realize that love could be knocking on their door, or
they’re so comfortable with being in control that the thought of
surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes them uneasy. There’s
also a chance that despite their outward confidence and undeniable
potential for success, they’re extremely insecure. Or maybe they
are simply afraid of opening themselves up enough to be loved.
Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that
this person probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor
might want to give. It doesn’t mean they’re a lost cause, it just means
that developing any kind of relationship with them will require an
approach that’s more sensitive to their guarded heart. In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for
learning what to do when you love a person who doesn’t know how to be loved:
1. Be patient - Don’t expect them to feel comfortable with
diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling
romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken them a great deal of
contemplation and courage to even consider spending their time with you. If
they do appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite
possible that they’re actually terrified of what you’ll think of
them if they ask to slow things down. So, they just muster the
strength to submit themselves to the moment, only to spend all night
feeling horrible about their dishonesty and inability to step on the
brakes. This will freak them out enough to make them sever whatever
ties were made and withdraw immediately, which is something they’re not
afraid to do. To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural,
which might be slower than what’s considered “normal”. Remember,
they’re not used to this, and too much at once will surely send
them over the edge. Showing sensitivity to their pace will let
them know that they don’t have to fear being out of control, causing
a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.
2. Talk - Because they spend so much of their time
alone and in their head, this person might be under the impression
that their thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. They rarely
share the things on their mind, as they fear that whatever is in there
is so deep and inquisitive that people will think its over-dramatic, oddly
philosophical or just plain
weird. They value deep conversation but feel
that they can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at
all. So talk with them, let them know that they can say what’s on
their mind, and don’t be afraid of their ability to dissect every
possible meaning of a theory they’ve been hung up on for weeks. If
they apologize for rambling about it, tell them they don’t need to be
sorry, they don’t need to suppress it. Make them feel that although
they are certainly unique for having such thoughts, they aren’t crazy
or abnormal. Tell them it makes them all the more beautiful, and then
give it right back to them. Be sure to engage in their contemplation just
as much as you listen; they want to hear your thoughts more than you
realize.
3. Support them - Part of this person’s struggle with letting
themselves be loved could be that they are relentlessly focused on
their dreams and goals, so much so that they forget to make room in
their life for other things, like relationships. It’s not something
they do intentionally; they’re just extremely determined to achieve
whatever they have set out to do. If they are forced to make a choice
between a love life and their goals, they’ve already chosen the
latter, so don’t make them choose. Certainly don’t
make them feel guilty for not spending more of their time with you as
a result, they’ll take that as another sign that they need to sever the
ties, even if they’re stronger at this point. Instead, you
should support them. If you really love this person and they really
love you, then they’ll welcome the encouragement. They’ll want to
support you too, and you should let them; with a heart as passionate as theirs,
you’ll want them on your team.
4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two
wholes that make an even greater whole - Remember, an “independent person” is just that, an
independent human with an ability to fend for themselves. They might
even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much they trust them. Therefore,
don’t think of a relationship with them as one that joins two halves
together to make a whole; they won’t treat it as such, and
they definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two
wholes becoming an even greater whole. Two individuals who love each other
enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness. This includes honoring their need for alone time.
They realize that you are a person with or without them and ask that
you see them in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important
to them; they don’t want to rely on your presence, nor do they want
you to rely on theirs.
Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with
them unless you want them to feel so bombarded that they tailspin
into a mess of tears, word vomit, and utter confusion that ends with
them breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human
ever again. When you are together, then BE completely together. Let
them know they are loved until they begin to understand what
that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, they’ll come
around. If they’re loyal by nature, they’ll stick around too, so don’t give them any reason to
think you won’t. Truly, this person has a lot of love to give, even if
they’re a bit awkward in showing it at first. They just needs time to
figure things out for themselves, and to better understand how this works. Let
them figure out that deep down, they just want to love and be loved
just like anyone else. If they happen to let you
close enough to love them, take it seriously. It means they’re trying. It
means they want to love you, but remember
that helping them learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win
their heart…
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