The Seven Tips for "Christian Dating"

First of all, the fact that the title of this post starts with the number seven (which symbolizes perfection or completion in Scripture) is a coincidence. I usually post five things when I'm trying to make points, and I name them "The Five". Truth be told, this time I just couldn't stop typing. With that said, I have found the following tips helpful when it comes to thinking about and approaching dating as a Christian. 

1. Remember that there is no such thing as “Christian dating”—only Christians who date. One of the most confusing things we can do for ourselves is to categorize things by the “Christian” label. The word “Christian” is not meant to be used as an adjective to describe media or clothing or music. Rather, it’s a group of people. People who are committed to living a life that is infused with God’s love. When it comes to dating, it would do us well to see it as an avenue toward getting to know God’s people. Just like anything else we do in this life, dating is a way that we can reflect Christ to the people we come in contact with. Let’s take the pressure off and see it as just that.

2. Don’t take dating too seriously. Now that we’ve put aside the concept of “Christian dating”, we should probably also put aside the notion that dating must equal marriage. If we only go on dates with people who (based on our initial perception) seem to have the potential to be our lifelong partner, we’ll go on very few actual dates.There is very little that can be learned about someone outside a significant interaction of some sort. Some people can learn a lot about each other through the development of a friendship, but even that eventually requires the next step of going on a real date. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t actually have to know if they’re “the one” before committing to dinner and a movie. Let’s not take this so seriously, okay?

3. Don’t take dating too lightly. I know it sounds like I’m about to contradict myself, but bear with me. I hold firm to the fact that you don’t need a commitment toward marriage from date number one, but I do believe you should always hold to a set of personal values and beliefs that you are unwilling to compromise on when it comes to getting to know someone. Instead of just treating dates with the randomness of the lottery, know what you’re looking for and what you want to avoid. Your time and emotional energy are valuable, so decrease your risks by investing in relationships that will build you up and challenge you no matter what the outcome. If you know something is a dead end from the start, don’t bother going down that path.

4. Be yourself. This one is a no-brainer, but it really has to be said. There are far too many people out there trying to be someone they’re not, or even worse, unaware of who they actually are. In order to be yourself, you have to know yourself. Take the time to really get to the heart of who you are, where you’ve been, where you’re going, and then give others the respect they deserve by displaying authenticity in your interactions. 

5. Have fun getting to know others. How easy is it to get so hung up on this dating stuff that it becomes more stressful than enjoyable? Dating should be a rewarding time of learning about others. It’s a chance to get a glimpse of God in the people that He’s made, and there’s something really beautiful about that! Look for him at work in your interactions with others, and have a good time. 

6. Don’t have regrets. The easiest way to live a life of little regret is to make good choices. When it comes to dating, it’s important to see it as an opportunity for good choices to be made, rather than just focusing on all the potential risks. Making good choices involves setting healthy boundaries and limits in your emotional and physical exchanges with others. Don’t give too much too fast with any area of your life, and learn to see trust as something that is earned, not freely given. The best way to enjoy healthy dating is to do it in a way that leaves you with no regrets. 

7. Take the next step. No matter what comes of your dating experience, it’s always important to be intentional about what comes next. That may mean planning another date, or making the deliberate decision not to. Either way, be clear about your intentions and the direction that you’re heading with your dating relationship. Don’t let guilt or fear hold you back during this process. You owe commitment to no one, but you owe proper communication to everyone.  

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons 

The Soul Tie and The Soul Mate

My pastor often mentioned to us about the devastation of soul ties. It was a new term to some, but not necessarily foreign only because at that moment I felt as if I was tangled up in something. Something that I could not put a finger on. And so when my pastor described to us that soul ties primarily result from engaging in sexual relationships with people who God hasn’t chosen for us, *coughFORNICATIONcough* I was dumbstruck. He also told us that when we have sex, there is a transference of spirits from one person to the next, similar to when someone shakes hands with someone and germs transfer from one hand to another. You can say that was my AH-HA moment! It's critical to be able to understand the difference between a soul tie and a soul mate. I've been on both sides of these kinds of relationships and I have the rope burns to prove it, which qualifies me to talk from both sides. A soul tie keeps one in bondage after a relationship has been severed, but in a soul mate scenario a person only benefits from the connection. Today's blog will explain in detail the difference between a soul tie versus a soul mate.

A soul tie is formed whenever there is an intense attraction to someone. It forms by way of falling extremely hard for someone for reasons which could include but are not limited to personality, appearance, and sex. In a soul tie situation you become extremely attached to the person you are having relations with. A soul tie is often the strongest when the relationship ended against your will or if you shared extensive years in a relationship with a particular person. A soul tie keeps an individual in bondage, and it's truly a situation where you have to pray to release a person from your spirit and your heart. When you have a soul tie, you can meet the most qualified candidate but if you are not free, then the situation will not work. It will either be a situation where you compare and contrast the new person to the ex, or it may still involve a weakness for the ex. Meaning that they still have the ability to call you regardless of the fact that you are dating someone else and have a signicant role in your life and the outcome of your potential relationship.

A soul mate is completely different from a soul tie. To meet a soul mate is to have an intense connection that is beneficial to both parties. By meeting a soul mate you are never in bondage. To meet a soul mate is to have extreme solitude in knowing that you have met a like minded individual. You do not have to pray to release a soul mate from your spirit because the connection is one which is beneficial forever. Distance makes one grow fonder. Time is irrelevant in that the same way you feel today is the same way that you will feel 20 years later. It is a perfect fit situation.

The most fundamental way to be able to decipher a soul mate from a soul tie is to understand that the connection is formed immediately with a soul mate. In a soul tie situation it involves more time. A person that is the victim of a soul tie situation must understand that the cliche "everything that glitters isn't gold" is the perfect way to describe the situation. There are people who study our mannerisms and behaviors and capitalize on them, and that is how you know that it is not a soul mate. To protect yourself from a soul tie situation, move slow and guard your heart...

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons

The Five Boundaries for Single Parents

Within the last month here in Chicago, there has been some of the most tragic and disturbing news told of the death of two children by the hands of non custodial parents. Abuse happens throughout Chicago, America and the world every single day but I'd be derelict in my responsibilities as a father and a relationship coach if I didn't address this in some kind of way. Not everyone is who they seem to be, which means you have to DO YOUR WORK when it comes to being informed and protecting your child or children. With that said, here are my five single parent dating boundaries.

1. Guard your privacy. If you go on a date with someone you don’t really know, don’t tell them where you live or let him meet me at your home. This is true for anyone that isn’t introduced to you by someone you know well, and who knows them well. If a man or woman can’t handle this, they're either too insecure or too shady to be dating, and they shouldn’t even get the first date.

2. Do your research. It's ok to be a bit more cautious here, because some have had a tough experience of having a different image presented compared to the reality. For single parents, it’s now important to independently verify a person’s character. A second date means, ‘This relationship is worth exploring.’ Exploring means that you want to find out if this can turn into a fantastic life partnership. That’s the whole purpose of dating. You're not interested in casual dating relationships, those are called "friends", and they definitely don’t involve romance. It used to be hard to independently verify a person’s character, but in the day and age of the Internet, it’s fairly easy. If you know anyone who has known them for a long time, start by asking their opinion of his character. Also do a search engine query on his name to see what turns up. Be willing to hear their explanation on what you find. What organizations does he belong to? What information appears on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, the news? Better to be safe than sorry.

3. Don’t introduce him to the kids until you're reasonably sure there’s a good chance of a lifetime partnership. Why would you want to let your kids get attached to someone they might lose? Eventually you’ll want to know how your children get along with them, but until you know how YOU get along with him or her, keep the kids out of it. And what if your child gets attached to them and then you break up? They’ll be heart-broken too. The fairest thing to all concerned is not to cross that bridge until there’s an expressed desire from both of you to work towards a lifetime commitment. That means at least 9 months of dating, as a rule of thumb, because you can’t even form a reasonable opinion of their character and prospects as a partner in less time than that. If they thought they could judge your character more quickly than that, you should question their judgment too.

4. When you do introduce him or her to the kids, start with group events. Try to look for low pressure situations in which there are several other adults or families present. You might throw a party, or go on an outing with several other friends, but try to make sure there are several friends your children’s age included in the activity. It lets the introduction happen more gradually and naturally. He or she is simply another friend for a while, and you build gradually toward having him or her join you by themselves.

5. Don’t have a man or woman spend the night. You shouldn’t want your minor children to see a man or woman who’s neither their father or mother, nor your husband or wife in your bed. I feel it would be confusing and painful for them. Besides, it’s your children's house and their personal space too, and they have a right to feel comfortable. I think it’s okay to have someone you're serious about come over, eat a meal with you, and hang out for a while but not all night, and not every night.

So what do you think? Are my dating boundaries impossibly old-fashioned? Do you have similar boundaries? Do you have other important boundaries you’d add to the list?

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons 

Coming Full Circle (in 300 words or less)

There are lessons, and then…there are LESSONS! I’ve been writing this blog on a full time basis for a while now; and each for lesson I write, I’ve had to live it out and understand it for myself first. It’s my hope that as you read each lesson, it speaks to you and it helps you in some way. Last week I learned a little something about myself. Some days it feels like I have a long way to go before I get to it, and other days it feels like I’m so close I can touch it. What is this “it” that I’m talking about?  It’s the lesson of the full circle.

My story has been well documented: Boy meets girl, boy loves girl, girl loves boy, boy marries girl, boy over time becomes an idiot, girl divorces boy, boy becomes a man and meets woman who is no longer a girl, man loves the woman who is no longer a girl but in a completely different way, and so on, and so on…  You can say that my life is all about circles: some full, and some yet to be finished. I was thinking about full circles last week when I realized this year I will be divorced just as long as I’ve been married. 12 years married…12 years divorced. Man, talk about your life coming full circle.

The lesson of my full circle is realizing there is nothing wrong with starting over again. My question to you is if it took you 12 years to get it right to be with the one you really love, would you do it? For me it’s a yes, but this is only for those of you who can handle living out something like this. My story, my lesson, my testimony.

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons 

twitter.com/RShipLessons 

A Proposal Lesson (in 300 words or less)

Chicago celebrates St. Patrick's Day by dyeing the Chicago River emerald green every year. Thousands look on, cheering a three man crew on a tiny motorboat that pours a powder into the water changing the color. You could say that the weekend was a pretty lucky one, and Irish eyes were smiling in more ways than one. Over the weekend, two good friends of mine became engaged, and I loved being there to take in the surprise. The look on her face when he got down on one knee and proposed was worth the price of admission, but afterwards it got me to thinking. How lucky are we as men to be able to find “The One” when they come along?  

Contrary to popular belief and stereotypes, men want to stop being single and settle down, but we’ll only do it for that someone who is worth settling down for. As I stood in the middle of a piano bar in downtown Chicago witnessing the proposal, it was clear this man found “His One” in that woman. Only one woman is worth settling down for, even if you've settled down before. Watching my friends since they became a couple arrive to this moment in their lives would make some people greener than the Chicago River, but not me. I celebrate them both as Love's #1 Fan and especially as their friend, because they give hope to someone like me who has settled down before too.

So, what do men live for? We all live for that someone worth chasing, that someone worth loving, and that someone worth fighting for. Ladies, if that something in YOU can spark that something in US which promotes our wanting to change, your eyes may not be Irish but they can smile too…   

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons 

twitter.com/RShipLessons 

Apologizing (in 300 words or less)

Yesterday I explained a relationship lesson on my Facebook page that had to do with making an apology right. Anyone can say their sorry, and almost anyone can admit when they are or were wrong, but few (and I mean FEW) can say what can I do to make it right. Looking back on my own stubborn and selfish ways, I can see how I lost many days of growth holding on to an apology, or worse, not asking how I could make it right afterwards. What I don’t want is for anyone to ever fall short like I did. I know it may be an almost impossible challenge, but I want to stress to you how important it is to follow steps 1, 2 and 3 together. 

Can you imagine being in a relationship and NEVER being able to properly apologize? It happens more than you think, because most people believe just saying “I’m sorry” is enough to cover the wrong. Well, that in itself is more wrong than the wrong committed. Sometimes, you have to go above and beyond what you think you need to in order to correct your error.

Lastly once you’ve correctly apologized, don’t be the kind of person who waits around to see if they accept the apology. You’ve done your job, so now it’s off you. Whether they accept it or not, constantly asking them to move on or impatiently harping on them isn’t the way to go. It might be good to give them room to properly assess what just happened. Let them come to you if they need the time but continue to be loving, supportive and by all means, continue to be IN the relationship. If they can't or won't accept the apology, then that's another relationship lesson altogether...

facebook.com/RelationshipLesson 

twitter.com/RShipLesson 

How To Tell If YOU Are Your Friend's Hater

The hating single friend is the worst kind of hater, mostly because your shade is so well developed that you don’t even notice that you are throwing it. You assumed  that  you were happy when your best friend entered into a relationship. After all, that’s your homie…your right hand…your ace boom.  If they're happy, you’re happy, right?  Sure, if you weren’t single, but since you are, you just might be the hating single friend. Here are the 4 Tell-Tale Signs:

1) Anticipating the demise of the relationship: “If y’all break up, is it okay for me to still hang with the crew?” Your best friend’s relationship has some major benefits for you. You have been introduced to a new group of people that you genuinely enjoy hanging out with and have started to regard as friends or at least close acquaintances.  You might be saddened by the thought of potentially ending your friendship with these folks to spare your bestie from discomfort in the “unfortunate” event of a break-up. Your concerns are valid. You may have thought it was an appropriate question, but you thought wrong. Knowing the answer to this question might be beneficial, but speaking of the termination of a positive thing is generally regarded as rude.

2) Resorting to teasing every chance you get: “Girl, you’re sprung” or “Boy, she got you whipped.” You mad? You’re single so you may be unaware or have forgotten that when people are in a relationship they should be emotionally invested in their mate which is sometimes expressed by engaging in behaviors and actions that are appeasing to ones mate.  If your bestie and their significant other wore matching t-shirts everyday for 5 months, it is what it is. If their happy, your third party opinion does not matter. If your homeboy single-handedly carved his and his girl’s initials in every single tree in your city he would definitely be sprung but his girl would most likely be appreciative. His girl’s opinion is greater than your opinion. Relax with the teasing; it’s a way for your hating self to subtly say that your best friend’s romantic behaviors are atypical of a normal relationship.  Let the two of them define what they want their relationship to look like.

3) Trying to provoke guilt: “I don’t ever see you anymore.” Not understanding that the significant other should indeed have priority over you is a hating single friend foul. Just because your friend can’t make it to every ladies night or spend the entire Saturday watching football does not mean that you are forgotten or that their relationship is unhealthy. You have to learn to share.

4)  Asking hate-laced questions: “Can you just go one day without talking about him/her?” If there was to ever be a dumb question, that would be it. If you want to go a day without hearing about him, let’s dive into the juicy details of your love life. Oh, wait…seriously though, your best friend listens to you repeatedly talk about things that you are excited about in your life, rather it’s your job, your pet, your family members, or even television shows. Why would you try to censor their conversations? When was the last time you asked your bestie to stop gossiping or being negative? Asking your friend to not share the positive details of their life makes you a hater.

The root of hating is jealousy, which has never brought a single person closer to their desires. Instead you should try celebrating your friend’s happiness. Your time is coming, just wait on it. In the meantime, you can jot down all of the annoying things that people in relationships do and vow to never be like that. Have you displayed any of the signs of a hating single friend? Admitting it is considered to be the first step to recovery...

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons 

twitter.com/RShipLessons 

Lessons In 300 Words Or Less

Writing is a gift that I thank God for everytime I sit in front of my keyboard. In a zone of thoughts and expressions, I get carried away with the imagination of letting my fingertips talk for me. Sometimes I can’t keep up with what my mind wants me to type, so I keep a little book and a pen for when things strike me. Anyone who knows me knows that I keep filling the pages up with stuff that I’d piece together later. I’m thankful for blogging which gives me the ability to express myself, even when all I have is an audience of one. When you read what I come up with, it’s after careful study and editing over and over again before I release it to you. Some readers have fallen off because they say the writings are a bit too much for them to consume. Albeit good writing, people judge it based on how long it is. I think it’s a little unfair but instead of complaining, it got me to thinking. I make no apologies for it but I needed a challenge, and the hamster wheel in my head wouldn’t stop turning until I narrowed the ideas down. The hardest thing for me to do is put my thoughts down for others to read. It’s even harder to do when all you have are 300 words to capture the thought and explain it well enough for people while giving room for others to formulate an opinion of their own. Once a week, my challenge is to bring you my chronicles briefly and concisely, while still being as funny and informative as I can…all in 300 words or less. This should be just the motivation needed to challenge myself and still cater to all the readers.   

And for those of you keeping count, the above paragraph was exactly 300 words, so stay tuned…

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons 

twitter.com/RShipLessons 

God, Hitch and Perseverance

From the movie “Hitch” starring Will Smith, perseverance is defined as continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. When I think about it, I can’t imagine a better word to define exactly where I am in the relationship world today. We ALL need to persevere when it comes to love, simply because you never know how or when the love boomerang you threw out will find its way back to you. If you’re not paying attention, that boomerang will knock you over the head. Three of the simplest lessons I can show you is how perseverance particularly pertains to me and my situation…

#1: If you don’t GO AFTER what you want, you will never have it.

#2: If you don’t ASK, the answer is always going to be no.

#3: If you don’t STEP FORWARD, you’ll always be in the same place.

When I started this blog in 2012, I never imagined I would come full circle into what I believed would never happen. I became discouraged myself after thinking for years that I blew my chances with The One. I said to myself and to others there was absolutely no way things would ever happen the way I scripted it in my mind. It was at that point that I decided to move on and look for another relationship, mostly because I was tired of trying. One thing I’ve learned is things never go as they are scripted when it comes to God or relationships. I had to let go of what I thought was the right path, and learn it the way God intended me to. That in itself was the hardest thing ever for me to do, mostly because I love being in control for so long, I didn’t know any other way (truthfully, I didn’t want to know any other way).

LaShaun always told me no when I asked her out. Looking back at it, she probably saw that I wasn’t even close to being ready. I wanted to be with her, but there was no purpose to my intentions. I said ok to her no, but I didn’t give up because I knew I’d ask her again someday. Her saying yes came and we went out and had a great time seeing Wayne Brady. Lessons 1, 2 and 3 in perseverance have led us to actually going out, partly because of me not giving up, but mostly because she could see something different in me. My purpose and intentions are totally different.  I couldn’t help to remember Hitch and his definition, but I can’t help but remember God, his promises and his lessons more.

Going out on a date with your ex husband or wife is usually frowned upon by practically everyone on the planet, but if you know what you did wrong, they know what they did wrong, and you both have grown to the point that the other person notices it, then I say give it a shot. Don’t use it as a chance to get some things off your chest, or see it as an opportunity to find closure. In this case, God’s script on relationships and perseverance is infinitely better than mine could ever be. Go after it, ask, and step forward. Be prepared for NO, and don’t give up once you hear it. How you react to no will define who you are, more than anything… 

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons 

twitter.com/RShipLessons 

The Greatest Birthday Gift Of All

I don't consider myself to be a cocky guy, but I do think the older you get, the more confident you become. I definitely believe that the more days you live, the more thankful you should be. Yesterday was our son's 13th birthday, and out of everything our son received for his special day, I believe I was the one who got the greatest gifts ever. 

I was driving around yesterday doing some last minute birthday stuff, when I heard a clank under my Jeep, followed by a noise like I was dragging something. I thought a clamp that holds the muffler in place became separated and I was dragging it down the street (a noise I have become familiar with from driving as long as I have). At the time I was going top speed from the expressway to the main streets, hustling around like we normally do when it happened right after I passed a red light. I got out the Jeep to make an assessment of the damage, to find out it wasn't the muffler, but the gas tank that came loose and dragging down the street. That's right, I said THE GAS TANK! If you could only imagine the look on my face when it finally hit me what could've happened. Driving and dragging the tank could have punctured the tank and all it would take was a spark to the full tank of gas that was in it to make an explosion, killing me instantly on my son's birthday. 

I thank God that none of that happened, and I'm thankful again that He spared my life for another chance to tell the story. After I had the Jeep repaired, I arrived for Jonathan's celebration later that evening, and I told LaShaun what happened. She was as stunned as I was explaining it. At that point, nothing else mattered. After we gave our boy some birthday love with some ice cream cake, I felt as confident as ever at a new lease on life, and I proceeded to kiss some of the icing she had on her lips that she couldn't quite find to wipe away. I know, it was a bold move but the events of the day prompted me to be a little bolder than usual. Jonathan who was there at that particular moment, didn't know how to react...so he punched me as he does in protecting his mother. I know he was happy and wanted the night's events to focus on him, but at that moment it only felt right. There were no problems from LaShaun for me doing it either. I think I caught her by surprise more than anything, but at the end of the night I came away feeling like a new man, reprieved, spared, ready to conquer the world because of being alive.

I was already on a high from loving God, being thankful for life and kissing LaShaun when the last gift I got that night was when SHE kissed ME when I left! Now I know it might not make any sense to some of you, and I might not be able to do the best job at explaining this, but it's a very different emotional experience when you're on the receiving end of someone kissing you (at least it is for me). For everything I know we've been through (individually and collectively), last night will stand out as three of the greatest experiences and gifts I ever had. 

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons

Lessons Learned From Matthew McConaughey

If you pay attention to life, you can find a lesson in just about anything...even at The Oscars!  Last night, I was almost ready to fade to black but the end of the night was reserved for Best Actress, Best Actor, and Best Motion Picture, so I willed myself to hang in there. Now I'm not an Oscar blogger in any way, shape or form, so I'll leave that up to the professionals. My friends know I was on my personal Facebook page having fun and joking all night with my running commentary on things I heard and seen, but when I heard the speech from Matthew McConaughey, I sat up in my chair and I listened, probably more attentively and intensely than I did at any moment of the night. 

"There are three things to my count that I need each day: One is I need something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase."

It was what he said during his acceptance speech for Best Actor in Dallas Buyers Club that struck a familiar relationship chord in my head (which tends to happen when my spidey senses are tingled at the right time). He talked about his something to look up to is God, his family is who he looks forward to, and the hero he will never be is his someone to chase. Well said, and I can agree with all of it. 

What he said also works in our relationships as well. Without the God that I look up to in my life, there isn't anything I could ever do, hope to be or have, that would ever give a greater return on my investment than a real genuine relationship with God. It's God that shows me how to be grateful, and like Matthew said, "it's a scientific fact that gratitude reciprocates". The family that I look forward to has put so much into me that I didn't get then, but I oh so get now. My Pop taught me how to be a man, but it wasn't until I divorced in 2002 that I took what he showed me and applied it in my life. My mother gave me identity in unconditional love, because if you knew me as a teenager, you'd know how necessary that was for me down the line. Finally, make no mistake, The One is who I chase. What I've learned from God who I look up to, and my parents whom I look forward to, has made me ready to go after The One that I divorced in 2002. We are better friends now than we've ever been, and we even went out somewhere over the weekend. Only God, that's all I can say. I believe that every man in some way lives off the three things Matthew McConaughey said. Relationship wise, you have to know what three things you need everyday to stay relevant and motivated. These just so happen to be mine...

facebook.com/RelationshipLessons

twitter.com/RShipLessons