Keeping It 100 (The 100th Realtionship Lesson)

Why is it that many women say “ALL MEN ___________” when referring to their experience with men and dating? I have a simple philosophy, until you have dated ALL MEN, and I mean every single man who is currently roaming the planet, I think it’s unfair to label and pigeon-hole “All Men” for the mistakes and behaviors of some jerks. I’ll be the first to admit that there are a lot of guys out there who don’t know how to treat a woman. I also know there are a lot of guys out there who aren’t emotionally available and have no freakin’ clue how to be in a relationship. There are more than enough guys who only care about sex and don’t care what they have to do or say to "get some". I’m a guy, I get it. But you need to understand something...these guys are not men, they are boys. I have a soon to be 12 year old son, and like most soon to be 12 year old sons, they want what they want, when they want it. He lives in a very hedonistic world. When I say some men are boys, I mean they act in the same exact way as my soon to be 12 year old son. Anyone who denies that there are some immature and selfish boys out there, who don’t care how their choices affect a woman is a fool. There most certainly are those type of people out there, and truth be told, when I was in my 20’s and 30's I had my share of hedonistic moments too. Fortunately for me I grew up, became a man, and life has taught me there was more to a relationship than just sex. Now don’t get me wrong, I love sex just as much as the next guy, but sex is only one piece of the puzzle.

And while we’re on it, let me disapprove this "all men want is sex" myth. Here’s the deal: A boy only cares about sex, but a man cares about sex and “more”. What's that more? Well, it’s simply the ability to experience a better and happier life. I wasn’t born with a vagina, and I won’t claim that I can understand what it’s like to be a woman. But after growing up with women in my house and having several good friends who are female, I was able to get a good understanding of what goes on in the mind of a woman. This helped me because I was able to see that men and women simply are wired differently. We both want the same thing (to be happy), but the way we go about it is completely different. Women are brought up to believe that they are the princess, and they need the knight in shining armor to come rescue them so they can live happily ever after. Well, us men are brought up to believe that we are the knights who must provide and protect our damsels in distress. I believe it is this programming that makes dating and relationships so difficult. Women look to men to make them happy, and men think they are responsible for a woman’s happiness. Well, guess what…they’re both wrong!

I learned a long time ago that you can’t make someone else happy, but you can make them happier. You can take the most miserable woman in the world, the one with a whole closet full of baggage, give her the greatest guy in the world, and she will never be happy. In fact, very often the great guy will exacerbate her feelings and insecurities and cause her to feel even worse. Now let me say this works both ways too. If you take a guy who is a jerk and you give him the greatest girl in the world, he will become a bigger jerk. He will do everything and anything to disrespect and dishonor that woman. He is not man enough to appreciate a good woman when she comes along. A good man appreciates and loves a woman who can make him happy and make him feel good about himself. You see, men really are simple creatures. We really have two basic needs: to be happy, and to avoid drama. If you show a man that he will be happy and his life will be drama free, then he will want to be with you. In my past, I have had some great lovers, but no matter how great the sex was, I couldn’t stand being in a relationship with most of these women. Why? Because of the drama. My life wasn’t any better, and I wasn’t any happier. The 23 hours of pain did not outweigh the one hour of pleasure.

It’s not just about sex for a man. Like I said earlier, sex is only one piece of the puzzle. Yes, it is an important piece, but at the end of the day its just one piece. If you want a great guy both in and out of the bedroom, make sure you find out what he needs to be happy and make sure you keep drama to a minimum. The right guy will love and appreciate you for that and as a result he will want to be with you. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. If you show a man that his life will be better, and he will be happier because of your presence in his life, he will want to be with you as well. If he doesn’t he's not a man, he's a boy, and I suggest that you kick all boys to the curb...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Love Rehab

Whether you are trying to recover from a short term or long term relationship, it takes time. Whether you're the one who left, or you're the one left behind, there is still a recovery period. How much of a recovery period can is based on many factors. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationship recovery – it can be different for everyone. Many people try to offer advice about how to recover from a relationship. While most people have good intentions, the advice is often unsolicited or just doesn't seem to help.  We're all different, so no one can say they have walked in our exact shoes or circumstances. What may have worked for them, may not work for us. Some people say you have to go out, get back into the game and play the field. While that may be true, there is a time and place for everything and we all get to that place at a different pace.

When I divorced after a 12 year marriage, I read just about every book I could get my hands on from how to win her back, to learning how to let go. 10 years later, I never found the exact answer that fit me, but I formulated my own solutions from a combination of things I learned along the way. Most people try to discourage us from taking time for ourselves to regroup and recover, however for some of us, that is exactly what we need, at least for awhile. While I did go out, met new people and worked on rebuilding my life, I also took time to be by myself...for myself to recover. I think there are some times when we need time to sit back, lick our wounds, get our heads on straight and heal a bit. Thanks to my two best friends Jennifer Richardson and Annetta Garrett, they helped me become the person I am proud to be today, even after taking their advice when I really didn't want to. Failed relationships can bruise our ego, poison our attitudes and scar our souls. Sometimes, we just need to go to Love Rehab. For some of us, when we are hurting or just not happy, we may not even feel fit to be around other people so we keep to ourselves for awhile. I did not want to become jaded or cynical so when I felt that way, I took time to retreat for awhile. I wanted to be strong enough and healthy enough so that when I went out, I would attract more positive things into my life. My dating became cyclical, on again – off again.  I would date for awhile, find myself getting hurt or discouraged and would take a break until I felt strong enough to put myself out there again.

While some people seem to enjoy spreading their toxic attitudes around to anyone who would listen, you often get back what you put out into the world. Some of us would rather find our bearings a bit before we venture out into the world. I know for me, when I felt weak, insecure, hurt, bitter or angry, when I tried to go out, sometimes I made myself vulnerable and found myself being taken advantage of or having knee-jerk reactions which led to sometimes making poor decisions. Sometimes those who choose to stay in their emotional caves are either simply afraid of being hurt, or afraid of hurting someone else. But other times we may simply retreat into our caves because we never had the chance to, because we were always too busy caring for someone else. Sometimes it isn’t hiding or avoidance, it’s just a chance to take time for ourselves, and sometimes its long overdue. For others, we may keep ourselves busy and distracted, avoiding the feelings we are destined to feel and experience. I know for awhile, I was hurting too much to allow myself to feel, and it was just easier to concentrate on everyone else, rather than my own problems.  

We do not all recover at the same pace. Some call this denial, but for me it was a necessary distraction at the time for self-preservation until I could get strong enough to face my issues and move ahead. Sometimes we all just need time to deal with things in our own individual way. There is no right or wrong, and there is no 12-step program for recovering from a relationship. Sometimes we just need to be allowed to move at our own pace.  So as long as we are moving forward, step by step, we will get where we need to go. No matter where you are in your recovery, whether you are inside or outside of your cave, do what is best for you and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will find yourself outside again with the sun on your face and the hope of a new day on the horizon.  Just as sure as the sun sets, every new day is a new chance for the sun, and for you to rise again...

facebook.com/min.randle 

facebook.com/relationshiplessons 

twitter.com/delvinrandle 

Chase the Woman, Not the Chase

Most men love the chase. In the beginning stages of dating, a woman who is a little mysterious and seemingly unattainable will almost always be more attractive to a man than one who is ready, willing and 100% available to jump into a relationship. As frustrating as this can be, it’s really just human nature. It’s far easier to accept this fact and continue to enjoy your own fulfilling life while your guy gets a handle on any fears or reservations he may have (without any prodding from you). And the good news is, any man who is worth getting into a relationship with will eventually realize that spending time WITH you is actually far more exciting and satisfying than chasing after you, and will willingly move the relationship forward by committing to you. However, this whole process (moving from the chase to commitment) should ideally happen within the first few months of dating. No two relationships are the same, of course, but as a general guideline you should know where you stand with a man within the first 90 days or so. If he’s not ready to be exclusive at that point, and you want to be, it’s best for you to let him know with grace and kindness that you are looking for something more than he is capable of giving and you need to break things off. But what should you do if he comes back, promising that he’s changed his mind and now he’s really, really sure he wants a relationship? Should you believe him? My answer is: Only once.

I know plenty of men who, when faced with the prospect of losing an amazing woman, snapped into reality and realized, “Hey, wait a minute! I’m not ready to say goodbye to her over my stupid fears. Time to grow up and jump in with both feet!” And they didn’t just talk the talk. They walked the walk. They put effort, energy and heart into their new relationship. I also know plenty of men who are addicted to the chase. They like having a particular woman around, they enjoy spending time with her and especially sleeping with her, but they have no real interest in getting serious. When that woman wakes up and thinks, “Whoa, I’m not putting up with this anymore. Time to move on,” the guy actually gets a little thrill. He finds her confident behavior sexy, and sees her once again as a prize to be won back. But once he wins her back, you guessed it… he’s bored, disinterested and noncommittal. Unfortunately, I suspect that’s what’s going on in a question from the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook:

What do you do with a guy that doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in you once he’s got you dating him, yet he keeps coming back and pursuing when you let him go? I tried setting boundaries. This time he told me he was ready for a relationship and pursued me again. I didn’t bother with him for 3 months, but now that he has me dating him, he doesn’t put forth an effort.

Maya Angelou once said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them”. In this case, he showed her that he’s the kind of guy who loses interest once the thrill of the chase is over. He isn’t really interested in building a deeper relationship with her. Instead he just wants to know he has the power to pull her into his life, push her out, and pull her back in again whenever he wants. He’s playing mind games, and she deserves so much better than that. My hope for this person, and for everyone reading this, is that she finds a man who considers her a prize to be cherished long after she’s been won...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Female Friends: How Close is Too Close?

We all know a woman who is “The Jealous Type.” She feels entitled to know her man’s whereabouts at all times, and even checks up on him by calling or texting (multiple times). Her boyfriend can barely get his foot through the door before she snaps, “where WERE you”. She’s insecure and suspicious of everyone and everything. Every person in her man’s life is perceived as a threat: His male friends are out to sabotage his relationship so he never misses a Guys’ Night Out. And his girl friends? Forget about it, they aren't allowed to exist. It’s no wonder that, behind her back, people refer to her as “The Ball Buster.” 

Let’s face it, jealousy isn’t attractive, and it certainly isn’t drama-free. So in order to be an easy-breezy, modern woman, you should be totally cool with your guy having as many women friends as he likes, right? When he goes out for drinks with his buddy from work who just happens to be a dead-ringer for Meghan Good (pictured above...you're welcome fellas), you should say “Have a great time honey!” When he heads to the bedroom to take an important call from one of his “just-a-friend, I swear” girlfriends because she’s going through a crisis and needs him, we should make sure to give him his privacy, no? WAIT…WAIT…WAIT!!! There’s a difference between your guy being friendly with women, and him having a harem of girl “friends.” There’s being reasonable, and there's being waaaaay too naive. In other words, there’s being a cool girlfriend, and then there’s being a doormat. Let’s talk about how NOT to be a doormat.

This question comes from someone in the Facebook community: What do you do when your guy has female friends that do not respect the relationship by over stepping boundaries-being overly friendly or even inappropriate flirting? My quick answer is that YOU don’t DO anything. The solution here is not for you to confront these so-called friends. He is the one who has to sort this out. As women know all too well, you don’t have control over anyone else’s actions but your own. But you can set reasonable expectations of how you want to be treated in a relationship, make those expectations clear to your partner (in a loving way, of course), and take appropriate action if he doesn’t meet them. Let’s look at a healthy opposite-sex friendship, and one that crosses the line.

If his relationship with her is healthy/innocent:

1. It makes sense that they’re in regular contact: They’re co-workers or are in the same circle of friends.
2. They keep it casual. Conversation doesn’t go much beyond small talk and there’s never any touching beyond a friendly hug.
3. There’s very limited contact between seeing each other, and all phone calls/texts are purely to communicate essential information.
4. You are invited to join all their social plans.
5. He would not hesitate to cut off the relationship with his “friend” if she ever acted inappropriately.

If his relationship with her is unhealthy/problematic:

1. He shares thoughts, feelings, or information with his “friend” that he doesn’t share with you. (creating emotional intimacy).
2. He makes more time to see his “friend” than he does you, or regularly makes plans with her on weekends.
3. You are not invited to their get-togethers or, if you come along, are made to feel excluded.
4. They share lots of secrets or private jokes (more emotional intimacy).
5. When you express concern that his friend is acting flirty or too familiar, he brushes it off (“Oh, she’s super playful with everyone”).

If your guy’s friendship(s) exhibit any of these problematic behaviors, try saying something like this: “I love that you are such a friendly person. It’s one of the things that attracted me most to you., and I trust you so much. But I am getting concerned about your friendship(s) with [insert woman/women's name(s) here]. I don’t feel that she/they respect our relationship, and I need to ask you to set some stronger boundaries.” Now here comes the tough part, whether or not your boyfriend will agree to the boundaries you’ve set is up to him. He may even get angry and say, “You can’t tell me what to do, I can spend time with whoever I want”. Remind him that you DO trust him and that you’re not trying to control him but, without appropriate boundaries, flirty female friendships will only cause trouble in your relationship. And if your happiness is not his priority, it’s time to let his girlfriends have him all to themselves so you can find a man who makes you #1 in his life.

Have girl “friends” caused drama in your relationships? Share your story, and especially how you handled the situation in the comment section...

facebook.com/min.randle 

facebook.com/relationshiplessons 

twitter.com/delvinrandle 

The Valentine Booty Call

Can you recognize a booty call right away? Can you really tell if you are a booty call yourself? Some ladies might like to be booty called every now and then, especially if they are head over heels with the guy who calls them in the middle of the night just to have a good time. Of course such scenarios might also lead to confusion, as to whether the guy is truly into them or if he is only after sex. Of course, booty calls can also be mistaken for emerging affairs. And at times, at rarest of times, booty calls could turn into serious relationships. Who knows where love might spring out? Ok, I had to laugh at that one myself. But seriously, can you honestly tell the difference between a booty call and a potential mate? Do you mind being considered and treated like a simple booty call? If you're the casual type, you probably won’t mind knowing that you are. If you have started to catch feelings for the guy, it might be time to throw some light over these late night affairs between the sheets! So on February 15th, the day most people consider the day men recognize their mistress, other woman, side piece, dip, jump-off, or as one of my good friends say "draws-on-call". Here are some obvious signs that you may be in fact a booty call and nothing more.

Sign #1: He has a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. If the guy you are casually seeing is already officially involved in some sort of relationship, or if you know for a fact that he is sleeping around with other ladies as well, things should be pretty clear and your questioning could probably stop right there. You are very likely nothing but a booty call to him.

 

Sign #2: You spend most of your time together naked. Booty calls now aren't necessarily made in the middle of the night to be considered booty calls anymore. You could very well be spending your time hanging around with the guy, maybe doing some stuff together like watching a movie or eating lunch. But if invariably all of your encounters are leading to sex one way or the other, or if you are spending 80 percent of your time together in bed, chances are he does not want anything more from you.

Sign #3: You (or at least one of you) are always tipsy when you meet. The most blatant sign may be if he constantly insists on getting you tipsy, or drunk if you're already tipsy when you come around. Chances are there is nothing much going on there, other than casual sex.

Sign #4: He never spends time with you after sleeping together. If this guy constantly makes up excuses for not being able to spend the night, or not being able to stay for a while longer the moment you finish having sex, things are pretty clear. God forbid he rushes you out after you end your "date". Chances are pretty good he solely wants you for your “assets” and nothing more.

Sign #5: You never hang out with his friends or you’ve never met them. You have no clue who your booty call is hanging out with. He never says his friends names or he does not even bother to introduce you to his friends when he runs into them in the street. Uh, hello? Chances are you don’t mean that much to him, to put it nicely.

Sign #6: Does he ever ask you about your day, job or life in general? If this guy is not interested in knowing how your day at work went or even what you do for a living, or if he barely finds the time to have a meaningful conversation about your life and future plans in general, he definitely does not picture sitting by your side in the long term.

Sign #7: Does he call late at night, inviting himself over? This is of course one of the most obvious signs you should be looking for, but on the other hand the guy could also really be into you, but definitely be skeptical.

Let me tell what kills your ability to see...it’s sex! Sex smashes your discernment and throws it right out the window, and discernment is your only defense against men with ill intent. Sex makes women fall in love, especially when its good sex. Sex is the glue that can bind two people together. That kind of power and sharing should NEVER be done with a man that you are unsure of, especially if you are considered the booty call. If that gateway to sex is ever opened before its time, the true measure of a mans intention to be with you is usually revealed after sex...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

The State of the Relationship Address

One of my favorite sayings is, "Everybody ain't able, baby". I'd often say it in response to someones failure, when it's actually my own way of letting people off the hook and not getting upset with them when they have either failed me, or failed a particular situation. In my eyes, it wasn't that they failed on purpose, instead I just decided that they failed because they couldn't or didn't know how to do better. Often times, relationships are not working out not due to anything dramatic or improper, sometimes a man or a woman just can't give you what you need because they don't have it to give. So if you find yourself in a relationship that just doesn't feel right, you might have to say to yourself "Everybody ain't able, baby" and keep it moving. When I started this blog back in September of 2012, I didn't see it as the voice that it has become now. I've had my own share of relationship lessons that I had to learn myself, but we all had to learn some things together I guess. So as I offer the "State of the Relationship Address", here is what I see...

I am a big fan of love, a big fan, a REALLY BIG FAN! And as love's #1 fan, I cannot be still and let a day like Valentine's Day bring anyone down. Wherever you are in love had, love lost, or love never had at all, you gotta believe in it. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this at all, right? If you are in a steady, wonderful, loving relationship, give thanks! If you are single this Valentine season and happy that you are loving yourself first, be thankful for knowing alone doesn't mean lonely in the least bit! If you are still looking for that special someone who can make your heart flutter and turn you into a schoolgirl-like puddle of giggles, you have plenty to be thankful for too! I've spent Valentine's Day as a single person, as an in a relationship person, as a married person, and as a divorced person. I've come to enjoy all of these states of relationships or non-relationships, even when I felt at the time I didn't understand why I was in it at that particular moment. It’s really an attitude, a decision, a choice. I've found lately what makes some people unhappy about being single on a day like Valentine's Day is wishing that they were somewhere else, either physically or relationship-wise. So my humble advice to all who are feeling that way now is this...GET OVER IT! You are where you are, so make the best of it and stop grumbling about what’s not right in your life. It's time for you to embrace where you are right now!

There is something about the way a classic romantic movie can transport you back to that feel-good place of the best loving moments of your life. Whether it’s movies like City of Angels, or Love Jones, or You've Got Mail, or Love and Basketball, or The Notebook or even my personal favorite Brown Sugar, there are positive messages of hope in every movie. The world can't get so jaded that we don’t enjoy the good feelings that a classic romantic movie can give to you. I know people who completely ban romantic comedies and love stories this week because they don't want to be reminded of where they used to be. I say crank up the DVD player and have at it! The relationship may have ended over something that can't be excused or tolerated, but not every memory you generate has to be entertained with a negative memory. 

Don't get caught up in the man bashing that is so common these days. Believe me, men also get caught up in woman bashing as well. So take a day off from thinking about what’s wrong with the opposite sex. Spend some time remembering what you like. Sure, your last relationship might have been a pain in the butt at times, but it also had good attributes, so focus on them. Be thankful that men are different from women. Yes, that can make them exasperating at times, but it’s also what makes the sparks fly (in a good way) when a man and a woman really connect. I can say now that I've found every woman I've had a relationship with amazing in their own individual way. The truth is, I would not have been with any of them if I didn't think they were particularly amazing. Sure we may not be together now, but they all have individually taken me as far as their point in my life would take me and I celebrate them for having a hand in where I am now. Which leads me to my last point.

Its been said that, "people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." As I have gotten older, I can affirm the truth in that statement. Fortunately, I've been blessed to maintain the great majority of my friendships, but I have also had friendships change and some end. It's the natural progression of life. When friendships and fellowships and relationships do end, you might have to remember the saying "Everyone ain't able, baby" and move on. So many of us have friendships that we value that either change or end. Conflict arises when we don't accept the reality of that shift. You can't fight the flow of the universe and expect to have harmony in your own life. It may be painful to move on, but it is probably best that you let it go, and let it flow.

No matter where you are or how happy you are in your current relationship circumstances, you have the ability to change yourself and your relationship status. Be thankful for your ability to envision a better you and a better situation for yourself. Yes definitely enjoy where you are today, but also take some time to envision what you want most. Imagine what that looks and feels like. This envisioning will make you feel better, and you’ll be even more thankful. This blog exists for this very reason above any other. I envision myself somewhere, with someone, and living out my "and they lived happily ever after" story. So I believe that it’s your choice. Do you want to be thankful or miserable this Valentine's Day? Thankfulness is much more enjoyable. Trust me, after everything I've been through, I know this from personal experience...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

T'was the Day Before Valentine

There are a lot of people who are running around losing their minds, trying to figure out what to do for Valentine's Day. The one thing I can tell you is if you are ripping and running around trying to make sure you have ONE DAY covered, and you miss the opportunity to show your love during next 364 days, you have failed as a man in love. Given her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas, the remaining days in the year are up to you. So as I prepare this on the evening of February 12th, I have been in bed with the flu since the 9th. I stopped the presses to interrupt what would normally be inserted here to address what may be considered a guide to help out the men. I am being asked all types of questions via email and Facebook asking "what would I do situations", so here are all the tips and hints you'll need counting down to V-day tomorrow, and the 320 days remaining in this year as well if you play your cards right...

1. You should never ask a woman, "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" The best present is to show that you "get her," which means you don't have to ask.

2. If you listen to her, she'll throw you a few hints. Look out for comments like, "I really need a ________," "Her necklace is so beautiful" or "When's the last time we spent the day together" or "We've never been to that restaurant". If she says anything like this, that means she wants it.

3. Avoid any stuffed animal holding a cheap, red heart-shaped box. The entire red and pink aisle at your local CVS and Walgreens pharmacy should only be scouted by high school freshmen boys.

4. If she bugs you for a massage every night, book her one with a professional. Can't bear someone else's hands all over her? Pretend she's at a spa and you're the masseuse. Buy massage oil, set up a table, and rub her back until she tells you to stop. It'll be happy ending for all.

5. Valentine's Day is not all about material objects. In fact, the more material it is, the less impressed she'll be. An electric razor? She'll be more likely to let her legs go prickly in protest than use it. If you want to purchase something, stick to the jewelry and smell goods.

6. You can cook a nice dinner, light a few candles, and share a decadent dessert, and it'll be more meaningful and intimate than any high-priced restaurant reservation.

7. Pick up or order a pricier bottle. Life's too short to drink cheap wine.

8. Don't wait until the last minute to pick out flowers. All you'll get is the last dog-eared bouquet. Actually, forget the flowers. They're overpriced this time of year, and you should really only give them when you want to cheer her up or say, "I'm sorry." They're the most last-minute gift you can give.

9. ...Unless you use the flowers more creatively. For some reason, women get wound up seeing roses torn up in little pieces and covering the bed or floating in a warm bubble bath you've drawn for them.

10. In the beginning of a serious relationship, get her a baby-potted plant. Attach a note that says, "I hope our relationship grows". If she waters it, she wants to keep you. And if you end up marrying her, it'll be a great memory.

11. Write her a poem. Even if it sounds like one of Adam Sandler's ballads, nothing says love like, "Your butt looks so good in those jeans. I promise next time, I'll lay off the beans."

12. If it's booked, don't panic. You want to take her on a Valentine's weekend getaway, but all the places you choose aren't available. Don't ditch the idea, just choose another weekend. She won't mind the wait, as long as you tell her what's in store.

13. Don't leave all the nasty chocolates in the box you gave her. As a matter of fact, a real chocolate connoisseur would sample them before you give them to someone else.

14. Never sign a card with just "Love, Larry." Women skim over all the commercially printed words on there to see if you've written a message from your heart. If words really can't express how you feel about us, then you better draw a picture.

15. Don't go too crazy your first few Valentine's Day's. Remember, every year you'll be expected to top last year's gift, so pace yourself.

facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons

No More Mr. Nice Guy (Guest Blogger)

It's so much fun reading the messages I get from all of you. I especially enjoy it when I receive something from the men because it lets me know that I'm not in this by myself. Guest starring today after submitting his view to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com is Sean from Chicago. Remember, keep sending me your take on your relationship experiences, good or bad, and you too can take the stage right here every Tuesday.

 

First I want to thank you for considering my submission. I've liked what you've said so far, and I hope you keep it up. I’m writing this so the ladies can get a glimpse at what guys have to navigate as they try to be the “nice guys” that most women say they want. I sometimes think the signals get really mixed up and it leaves a lot of men and women hurt and frustrated. It's full disclosure time: I am a recovering “Nice Guy”. You know the type, the guy who is always wondering why he can’t get the date even though he’s nice and nearly every woman he’s ever met says she wants a nice guy. The guy that every girl who is going out with a jerk used to come to for advice and support. Yeah, that was me. See, when guys are growing up we’re taught a few things about you that aren’t true. We’re taught not to tease you, to be gentle because you’re delicate, and recently, that men are by nature monsters and need to become more feminine in order to be good. I totally bought in to all of this. I was the nicest boy you could find. And all the girls said they wanted a nice boy. I thought I had it made. Except every girl I ever liked (you know, really REALLY liked) only thought of me as a friend. They were always interested in the bad boy who treated them badly, and it was completely frustrating.

I speak for a lot of guys when I share this experience. We do everything we’re told to do and we get no love. Or if we did get love, we’d lose you to a nut job who had a trail of broken hearts a mile long. We, the ones who breathed every breath for you, would lose you to a guy who was just putting notches on his belt. It hurts. Then a lot of guys, myself included, decided that if we couldn’t beat them, we’d join them. So we got mean too. But Instead of being mean in a self-centered, inconsiderate way, like most jerks, we were out for revenge. I’ve seen guys say some really terrible things to women in order to get noticed. I’ve probably said a few things that were pretty nasty too. What I didn’t realize at the time was that women don’t love jerks because they’re jerks. They love them because they’re confident and do what they want. Women don’t like “nice guys” because they’re push-overs.

I started getting this when I started loving who I was. As soon as I started doing that I became very confident, and suddenly I could talk to and attract women. I was no longer the “nice guy” who put women on a pedestal and treated them with kid gloves. Instead, I was the “good guy” who treated women with respect and like an actual human being. I started playfully teasing women, I wasn’t “gentle” in my dealings with them and I completely embraced my manliness. I went back on everything I’d been taught about girls and women. Only when I loved myself could I be the “Nice Guy” that women were looking for. Except I wasn’t nice. I was good, and hopefully I’m still good, but I’m not nice. I don’t get pushed around and I’ll work hard to get my way, but I’m respectful and kind while doing it. I want women to read this because there are a lot of women with jerks who would be infinitely happier with a "good guy", and a lot of guys if they were "good guys" would be with one of you fine women. But guys are given a bad deal at the beginning. We’re given lessons on how to distrust ourselves in order to make women happy. That’s good for no one.

I know that women get a lot of the same messages but in different forms too. You’re never thin enough or pretty enough or have big enough breasts. Then you snatch up the first guy (probably a jerk because most of the potential good guys are still "nice") who decides to act in a manly way around you because he makes you feel like you’re a good enough woman. When you really love yourself, you’ll start attracting good guys instead of jerks because you just won’t put up with the garbage that the jerk is pushing on you. But that’s a different blog post for a different day. For now, I just wanted to give you a glimpse at how “nice guys” have to grow into “good guys” in order to enjoy your lovely company. There are a lot of good guys out there who are exactly what you want. They just need to re-learn a few things.

Ladies and gentlemen, the very well written male point of view...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

The Attraction Series: Depth

You’ve probably asked yourself at some point “How do I attract the right guy and keep him?” Well, in my 3 part series on attraction, I've given you 3 areas which I believe can make a woman very attractive: Personality, Looks, and Depth. If you missed it or want a refresher, you can read my posts on Looks and Personality. Today, I will share with you my thoughts on Depth. I would define depth as the range, or extent of your emotions and feelings. Depth ranges from the shallow (light, fun and care-free), to the deep (serious, meaningful and heart-to-heart).

I’m sure you’ve heard someone being called “shallow”, or maybe you’ve had a “deep” conversation at some point. Now, I believe we all have the capacity to have an extensive range of depth. We are created with a range of emotions and have the ability to experience, express, feel and share things on many different levels. For some people, it may come more naturally to be able to open up beyond the shallow surface level. For others, it can be difficult to express deeper emotions and feelings. If you want to build a solid relationship, then you need to be able to navigate between the lighter side of things and the moments where you can go deep. Let me explain why this is not only attractive, but it's also necessary.

After you get past the initial attraction of looks and spend some time getting to know them and their personality, you will experience one of two things: 1) continue to get to know that person on a more intimate, deeper level, or 2) hit a brick wall of shallowness. If you hit that brick wall of shallowness, then what else is there? How can you form a good relationship? The attraction level just dropped. Doesn’t matter about your looks or personality. Without depth, you lose attraction.

As I get to spend more time talking and getting to know LaShaun again, I begin to really understand who she is beneath the surface. This is the point where her attractiveness skyrockets through the roof because I realize that I could have fun and be goofy with this woman, and then have a really deep and meaningful conversation as well. One key thing to remember is this: know when it’s okay to be a bit more fun (shallow) and when it’s more appropriate to be more serious (deep). Be socially aware of the situation. Also, let depth develop naturally between you and the person you are dating. If you’re always being serious when they are  just having fun (or vice versa) then the situation can become awkward and even annoying. The result: loss of attractiveness. Now this can work both ways. Not only do you need to be able to navigate through different levels of depth, but the person you’re dating does as well. It’s important to be able to build a safe, trusting atmosphere where this can happen. If you are able to come to the point where you can get beyond the shallow surface, not only will you be able to really connect with each other, but your attractiveness will dramatically increase.

Have fun together, be light and care-free, but also get to know what’s beneath the surface. Talk about hopes, dreams, faith and other matters of the heart and soul. This is the beginning of a foundation for a lasting relationship. Not only will you be attractive on the outside, but you’ll be attractive on the inside, and that’s what really matters in the long run.

Well that’s it for now. I hope that gives you a bit of insight on what makes a woman attractive to men...

 
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

The Attraction Series: Personality

Have you ever wondered “How can I attract the right guy?” Well, in my 3 part series on attraction, I’m sharing with you what I find attractive in a woman. The 3 main topics are Looks, Personality, and Depth. You’ve probably heard the saying “She’s got beauty AND brains!” or some other variation. That’s because once you get past the initial attraction of looks, you’re going to need something more if you want a meaningful relationship. Looks are really only a small part of attraction. In today’s post, I’ll share with you my thoughts on Personality and how you can get past the initial attraction into something more meaningful.

Let me start off with this. At no point am I saying you should completely change yourself or be something you’re not. You need to be yourself, and you need to be comfortable with who you are. But one thing you can always do is improve yourself. Yes, we should be happy with who we are, but we should also constantly strive to become better. When I think of personality, I think of what is beneath the surface. Things like sense of humor, interests, emotions and so on. The things that make up your personality make you unique. One thing about personality that is really important to me is drama, rather, lack there of. Honestly, no one likes drama, but it’s much more attractive to be with someone who is more relaxed and down to earth. Don’t turn little things into major problems and don’t act like the world revolves around you. I think most people will agree that it's just a big turn-off. The other thing is games. I for one hate the dating games. It’s much more attractive to me when I can avoid playing games.

The key to personality is to really know and understand yourself. Know what good personality traits you have, and know which ones you need to work on. It doesn’t help if you just ignore the bad things or don’t give yourself credit for the good things. Spend some time on yourself and find out the things you like about yourself and the things you want to work on. Your personality is a big part of who you are, so make an effort to better understand it. Take some personality tests, write a list of things you want to highlight and things you want to improve on, or ask a close friend. The goal is to not tear yourself apart, but to better understand who you are. This will make you more confident, and in the end, much more attractive. When you know who you are, you will understand more about why you do what you do. You will become more confident, you will know what you want in a man and you will be able to avoid playing those pointless games. A good personality will help you carry past the initial attraction of looks and into something a lot more meaningful, which is what we all want, isn’t it?

Next time I'll talk about Depth, and how that applies to the overall attractiveness of a woman, so stay tuned...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

The Attraction Series: Looks

When it comes to attraction and what men are really looking for, there are a lot of things to consider, but let me give you a little insight into what a decent guy looks for. There are 3 main things that contribute to the overall attraction of a woman: Looks, Personality, and Depth. As looks are the initial attraction, I’ll start with that and hopefully give you some good insight into the subject. When you see someone, the first thing you notice is how they look. Whether it be their clothing style, physical attributes or the way they carry themselves, it’s generally what initially attracts. Now let’s clear up a few things here. I’m not looking for the ultimate super model that you would see on television or in magazines. To be honest, that’s just not realistic and in my opinion is an unhealthy and inaccurate view of what the majority of women look like. The truth is, women come in all shapes and sizes, and beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. That means, different guys are attracted to different types of women. Now since that is out of the way, let me share with you a few things that I think affect the attractiveness of a woman.

I would say that the most important thing is to simply take care of yourself. It’s not so attractive to see a woman who just doesn’t care. I get the impression that they have just given up. At the same time, don’t get so obsessed with it that it consumes your life. As is with most things, the key here is balance. Basically, choose a healthy lifestyle and look after yourself. If you take care of yourself, not only will you be more attractive, but you will feel more attractive as well.

This leads in to the next thing, be comfortable with who you are. If you respect yourself and are comfortable with who you are, it’ll show. Insecurity is a big turn off and can even be annoying for many guys. I know I am more attracted to a woman who is comfortable with who she is. Once you get to the point that you are taking care of yourself, and are comfortable with who you are, you can build on that. That brings us to clothing and makeup. Now, this is where I may differ from some guys. Different types of clothing and makeup styles will attract different types of guys, and for different reasons. If you’re looking for a decent guy to form a good relationship with, then I can offer some good thoughts. I am more attracted to a woman who presents herself in a good way. Clothes that leave nothing to the imagination may get guys attention, but probably not the kind of guy that you would want to form a relationship with. The way you dress really says a lot about who you are and even more about what kind of guy you’re looking for. Contrary to what some may believe, it is definitely possible to look “hot” without showing off everything on a date, going to Starbucks, going to church, the supermarket, the laundromat, or wherever! The thing with guys is this: leave us wanting more. If you reveal everything on the first appearance, then what’s left to keep his interest?

The last thing is the way you carry yourself. It’s not so attractive when a girl looks defeated and has given up. You don’t have to have everything together to be attractive, but it helps if you’re not a complete basket case. Your emotional state really does affect the way you look. So make an effort to deal with the issues in your life. It’ll go a long way towards making you feel better about yourself, which ultimately will make you more attractive. But now we’re getting a bit into the next subject, which I will leave for tomorrow. The thing to remember is this, all these factors play into the overall image that you are portraying to men. Think about what kind of message you want to send and go from there. To sum it all up, the way you present yourself will say a lot about the type of guy you are trying to attract. So if you’re looking for something meaningful and want to attract Mr. Right, try this out: Take care of yourself, be comfortable with who you are and the way you look, respect yourself and be mindful about the image you are portraying.

Tomorrow I’ll give you some of my thoughts on personality and things you can do to attract guys, or repel them, so stay tuned...

facebook.com/min.randle 

facebook.com/relationshiplesons 

twitter.com/delvinrandle 

Lessons from Barbie (Guest Blogger)

I really love you guys for contributing to the page every Tuesday. I've had fun communicating with everyone, and if you want to keep the guest blogging party going, send me what you like people to know about your view on relationships to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com. Today say hello to Bernie from Columbia, Missouri...

When I was a little girl, my Barbie doll had serious self-esteem issues. I remember exactly the scenario that I used to play out, over and over: Barbie would put on her prettiest dress and her highest heels (bubble gum pink, naturally). She would brush her long golden locks, tie a ribbon in her hair, and then she would sit and wait for Malibu Ken to pull up in his Corvette for their “big date.” Ken would ring the doorbell, and Barbie would welcome him inside her Dream House. He didn’t bring her flowers, he didn’t take her out to dinner (not even to the Barbie McDonald’s). They would take the elevator up to Barbie’s bedroom, take off their clothes, and get under the covers of Barbie’s canopy bed. After a few minutes of “sleeping” (I had no real idea of what this meant, just that there was something naughty about the fact that they were naked), Ken would get up, put on his jumpsuit and ascot and take off in the ‘vette, leaving Barbie home alone in her Dream House. That was their date.

Don’t ask me how a 6 year old got the idea to play “booty call”, but there was something seriously screwed up about Barbie’s idea of romance. But modern women everywhere accept this kind of “dating” all the time. Yes, we are empowered and equal. We have needs and desires and aren’t afraid to express them. If we want a “Friends With Benefits” arrangement, we can have one…so stop with the judgement! We can buy our own damn Dream House and we don’t need a man to do it, thank you very much! OK fine, yes, this is all true. But just because we can do almost everything a man can do doesn’t mean we should abandon our femininity or decide that we don’t need romance. Allowing a man to bring you flowers, plan romantic dates, and show signs of affection (beyond jumping into the Barbie Bed) does not make you weak. It simply means you’re accepting someone’s effort to show you that they find you attractive, interesting and special.

Even animals in the wild have courtship rituals, elaborate mating dances where males puff up their chests or fluff their feathers to prove they are worthy of their intended’s attention. So wait a minute...what exactly is courtship? As a practice, it began before the early 20th century as a means for a man and woman to spend  intentional time together in order to evaluate ones potential as a husband or wife. Not a bad idea, right?  The tokens of affection and elaborate efforts to “woo” women that come to mind when thinking of “the olden days” were just icing on the cake. It’s a concept that works well with our biology. Men are driven to pursue women. It’s the whole thrill-of-the-chase thing. They want to court you.

In fact, when you balk at his attempts (your outright refusal to let him pay the check, never letting him pick you up for a date, making it clear that you’re more than capable of opening your own car door) he may feel a little put off. And let’s be honest, being cherished and treated nicely feels good. It’s OK to admit it! Just don’t forget to thank him, show your appreciation, and reciprocate his efforts to pay. If he buys dinner, you insist on paying the tip or picking up dessert and coffee. You’re still polite and gracious, after all. It’s also OK to take your time getting to know a man before falling into bed with him. You certainly learn more about a person (and think more level-headed about him) before that pesky hormone starts going crazy and clouding your judgment about this man you’re suddenly getting naked with. Plus it’ll give him a chance to let his interest, attraction and intrigue in you grow, rather than mistaking you for an easy conquest. The truth is, a good man, one who is interested in getting to know you and possibly create a future with you, will court you. He will be so smitten, he won’t be able to help himself. It doesn’t mean that you have to lounge around and make him feed you grapes and fan you with palm leaves all day. It just means that he wants to treat you like the special creature that you are. And if that means holding a door or sending you a bouquet of daisies at work, is that so bad? I didn’t think so, and I wish my Barbie had knew better too.

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

How Love Gets Sabotaged

Are you tired of riding the rollercoaster of love? Is your love life a constant dance of two steps forward two steps backward? When it comes to dating and relationships, you are not alone. In fact there are over 50 million single women looking for love, and like you, many of them are frequent riders on this crazy ride. Unfortunately most of these women are tired of the constant up and downs and would love to get off the rollercoaster once and for all. There is an easy way to get off the rollercoaster of love. In fact it’s so easy it often gets overlooked. The next time in pulls into the station you simply have to do one thing….GET OFF! It’s that simple. But for some it's simple, but not easy. I promise you that the ride will end if you simply choose not to get back on. So the next time you think that the ride will be different if you try it just one more time, just make a decision to stay off.

One of the conundrums that I see single women make in their dating life is that no matter how much you say you want a great guy and a great relationship, your choices and decisions often say the opposite. It’s like complaining the whole time you are on the rollercoaster and then immediately getting back on and going for another ride. No matter how much you will say you want happiness you will do almost everything in your power to create misery in your love life. The problem is this happens at the subconscious level so most of the time you aren’t even aware you are doing it.

Now, I must warn you what I am about to share with you might cause you to get angry, in fact it might even piss you off a little. But the reason I share it with you is because if you are unknowingly sabotaging your love life, you will make it almost impossible to ever have the type of man and relationship you desire. It is my intention not to piss you off, but to wake you up to the insane behavior which is causing you to make things so much harder on yourself. I have noticed that if you have pattern of attracting men who make you unhappy, and relationships where you are unfulfilled, it is because you are unknowingly sabotaging your chance of finding and having the relationship you desire. In fact, if this has been your experience in your love life, I bet you have at least one of the three signs of self sabotage which are blocking your path to love.

1) You Pick the Wrong Guys – The first sign that you may be sabotaging your love life is that you pick guys who are wrong for you. You suffer from “Bad Boy Syndrome”. Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with a guy who treated you like dirt yet you kept chasing after him? Were you ever involved with a guy where you gave him all the POWER and as a result he dictated the rules of your relationship? Do you pick guys who can’t or won’t commit to you or who are emotionally unavailable? Yes, these guys might be exciting and unpredictable, they may even be mavericks between the sheets, but once the initial excitement wears and you settle into a routine, you often find yourself in a position that the challenging guy makes you miserable doesn’t he?

2) You Stay Too Long – The second way you are blocking your path to love is that you stay in unhappy relationships for too long. You know you should leave. You know you are not being treated with the love and respect you deserve, but you stay. You come up with every excuse and you rationalize and justify why it is ok for you to stay in a crappy relationship. You say things such as “it’ll get better”or “he will change” or “it’s not that bad” or “I can live with it” and my all time favorite “but I love him”. As if love is a justification for unhappiness. Love is simply a feeling, nothing more and nothing less. To make a relationship work there are other things that need to be in place. Things such as respect, honor, integrity, communication and compatibility. And I have news for you, if a guy really loves you (and you love him) all of these other things would be in place. When a guy really loves you he will respect you, he will honor you as a person, and he will treat you with the respect you deserve as a woman.

3) You Operate From Fear – The third way you unknowingly sabotage yourself is that you make choices and decisions form a place of fear. You're afraid that if you do what your gut is calling you to do you won’t be able to experience the life and relationship you desire. You know that if you confronted the things that bothered you or made you unhappy, you might have to make some tough decisions. So instead of speaking up and saying your peace you clam up and retreat back into your fear cave. You tend not to ask the important questions because you're afraid of finding out the truth. So instead of finding out the truth quickly you bury your head in the sand while ignoring all of the red flags that are flying in your face.

The biggest indicator of a fear mindset is when you are afraid of committing. You're afraid to willingly and openly give 100% of your heart to a man because he will hurt you the same way you have been hurt in the past. Your past heartache and frustration has caused you so much emotional pain that you unknowingly put up a wall to protect yourself from ever being hurt again. This unconscious defense may protect you from having your heart broken again, but unfortunately it creates a wall which even Superman can’t penetrate. This wall makes it impossible for you to have the love that you really desire. Getting your heart broken never feels good but and sometimes hurts like hell. But ask yourself what hurts more, putting up a wall and protecting your heart from being broken, or never finding and having the love and relationship you desire?

I know it’s not easy and it may take you having to confront some of the stuff from your past. But isn’t the prize worth it? A loving, happy and fulfilling relationship with the right person for the right reasons is THE GREATEST GIFT ON EARTH. There are no "love gods" who favor one person over the other. There is nothing that you could have done in this life that would deprive you of the greatest gift in life except for one thing…YOU! You can have it if you want it. But it is up to you to make it happen. Unfortunately if you have any of these three signs you will be making it much harder on yourself...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Superbowl Relationship Lesson

Are you with a guy who just lives and breathes sports? You know, the kind of guy whose idea of watching the news, is Sportscenter on ESPN? The kind of guy who couldn’t tell you what you got him for Christmas last year, but can tell you the last five Superbowl champions in order, including the MVP? Do you know this guy that I’m talking about? I can admit that I am one of those guys. Sports is a huge part of my life, I think it's woven into my DNA. It’s more than a hobby, it’s a part of my soul. The letters N.F.L. are a close second in my heart behind the letters G.O.D. To be in a relationship with a guy like me, you have to know that sports is going to be a part of the package. But what if you don’t like sports? Should you fake it? I mean, if it’s something he loves so much, shouldn’t you love it too? And if you don’t, maybe it would be best to fake it? I’m here to tell you: Don’t pretend you like sports!

In fact, men actually hate it when women pretend to be into sports. We find it annoying and it’s a huge turn-off. There’s always that girl in every group who is just trying way to hard to be “one of the guys”. She’s the one whose always cheering just a little bit too loud during the game…reacting just a little bit too much at that bad call…arguing just a little bit too passionately that “the Bears are going to win it all this year”. She’s the girl who shells out a ton of money to go to that playoff game just so she can take a picture and put it up on Facebook…AND, she texted through the whole game. Trust me when I say this is the girl who annoys the hell out of us. Now before you start accusing me of being sexist, know that it’s not just women. People who are really into sports get annoyed by anyone who pretends to be more into it than they really are. We are just as annoyed by that guy who only watches one game a year, but insists on making ridiculous comments throughout the game:

• “If you get paid a million dollars to play football, you should never drop a pass!”
• “How could that kicker miss that 40 yard field goal? It’s so easy! All you have to do is kick it. I could have made that kick!”

There’s nothing wrong with being a casual fan. You don’t have to be an expert to enjoy cheering for your home team. If you’re the girl who only watches one game a year (The Superbowl) and really only likes the commercials, that’s fine!  Maybe you don’t play Fantasy Sports, but you like sports enough to put on a jersey and go to a few games per season, that’s great! We actually love stuff like that! If you want to sit down and watch a game with us, you don’t have to act like you’re a diehard fan when you’re not. Just sit back and enjoy it. Ask a few questions if you don’t understand the game. Cheer if you’re into it. But as always, just be yourself...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle