The Free Agent of Love

It’s that time of year in the basketball world where the NBA season is upon us, and it got me to thinking about free agency in today's NBA. When the Chicago Bulls opened the season up Wednesday against the New York Knicks, Carmello Anthony of the Knicks was the free agent of choice for many teams in the NBA over the summer, including my Chicago Bulls. I was so glad that he decided to stay in New York because it forced Chicago to get better talent, and it proved itself in a blowout win. In a conversation last weekend with some people in the barbershop, it led to me explaining that free agents and single people have a lot in common. Yes, we talk about it ALL in the barbershop. Today I’d like to share with you the analogy that I shared with them last week. If you’re a sports fan like myself, you’ll resonate with this seamlessly. If you’re not a sports fan, I hope I’m clear enough in my delivery. In any case, here goes...

Being The Free Agent - I explained to everyone that at some point or another we are star free agents in this game of love and lust.  At some point in our careers (lives) we will be scouted and we will be sought after. As free agents we get to scope the scene, weigh options and then we make decisions. When you’re a star player, you take many things into consideration. Truth be told some teams (prospective partners) are a better fit for you than others. But during this whole recruiting process, (dating) you wonder as the player “What’s in it for me?”  The teams seeking you are basically selling themselves to you. They will paint the greatest picture to entice you to go with them. No matter how well some teams try to make themselves look, you can still see some qualities in which you may not be interested.

Seeking The Free Agent - Now as the team seeking someone’s partnership or services, what picture are you painting? No team is perfect, that’s a given, but what steps are you taking to become a winner? In this league of love and lust there are teams that are proven winners and teams that aren’t. Now, what team are you representing? Are you the team that has been a proven winner? Or are you the team that hasn’t had a championship since the civil rights movement? Or are you a team dedicated to winning and are taking steps to do so? Here’s a quick overview of the types of people we can classify ourselves as.

1. Proven Winner: Has a clean track record, whether male or female, they are stand up people and are seen positively through most people’s eyes. More often than not, these people are blessed with the ability to make prudent decisions in the realm of dating. Their breakups mostly end amicably and without too much ill feeling.

2. Team That Hasn’t Won In Years: A person who has constantly been in bad situations with the opposite sex and still goes about things in the same way. They refuse to take steps on improving their strategies, criteria or even themselves; thus rendering themselves proverbial losers. They don’t change so they’ll continue to get the same results.

3. Dedicated To Winning: You’re in the rebuilding phase and you have consciously made efforts to make good sound choices. You have taken steps to improve your stock and offer something better than what once was. You maintain a positive outlook on love and know you have something special to offer.

Any star free agent either wants to go to a proven winner, or to a team that has shown through their transactions (decisions) that they are committed to being a winner in the future. So again, which team are you? To the free agents out there reading this, what are you doing to be considered a star? 

Can you relate to any of the teams I’ve listed? Fill me in with your thoughts, let me know if my analogy was on the money. Oh yeah, go Bulls!

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Forgive Plus Forget Equals Happiness?

Let me tell you all something, unforgiveness will eventually kill you, while the unforgiven is still walking the earth living their life. Don't do it to yourself to the point that you cannot move on. Like the familiar saying goes: "unforgiveness is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die". Danielle Gordon from La Vida Dolce brings the whole perspective of "Forgive and Forget" to light.

 

Remember the old saying, "forgiveness is the key to your happiness"? Well, what happened to "forgetting"? Does that make you happy as well? The equation may not always be so simple...

We've all encountered varying degrees of hurt depending on our family dynamics, socio-economic status, and relationship history. That "hurt" eventually piles up and may later turn into resentment. Without realizing, that resentment makes as jaded and cold. We're unable to open to new possibilities that may lay ahead. So, what do we do with all the emotions? How can we move on to be happy?

1) Forget - When I suggest "forgetting", I don't mean living in denial about the circumstances around you. Our experiences are a vital piece to our tapestry - they combine together to make us who we are. We can either draw strength or weakness from them. I suggest "forgetting" as an acknowledgement of its occurrence and placing it behind you as you move forward. Use those experiences as a stepping stone - learn from them to improve yourself in any way you deem.

2) Forgive - Forgiveness is not an act of submission or acknowledging that the wrong-doing was "ok". It allows you to release the emotional burden you've been carrying. You can make peace with the situation or individual that caused you pain. Forgiveness is purely for YOUR BENEFIT. You'll be more receptive to the new adventures, people, and situations that lay in the future.

So when someone says to you, "I'll forgive what you've done, but I won't forget it!", simply reply with, "Please do both. I truly want you to be happy."

Happy reading ☺

If you would also like to be a guest blogger to Relationship Lessons, send me an e-mail describing what you'd like to talk about (in a separate attachment), and briefly defend or support your point. Once you have been contacted if selected, a 400 max word project is expected before it is posted. Send your thoughts and ideas to myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com. Let's get to writing! 

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The Ugly Truth About Dating

Since I divorced my first wife in 2002 after 12 years of marriage, and I again divorced my last wife in 2009 after only one year, the dating game has changed dramatically. We sometimes have to play catch-up but if we aren't careful, our heads will wind up spinning from being SO far behind in today's socially motivated generation. As I address today's dating game, these are some of the ugly truths that I have seen, heard, and even encountered so far. See if any of these are your ugly truth as well...

 

1. The person who cares the least has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.

2. Because we want to show how cavalier and indifferent we can be towards the other person, little psychological games like "Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back" will happen. They aren’t fun.

3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you can look exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing and are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts and social media. If you aren’t their top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun or more interesting than yours on the table. Trust me, I know all about this one...

6. Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma, at least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat, betray and move on happily, while the person they left behind is in shambles.

7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.

8. “Let’s chill” and “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and they appear to be here to stay.

9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you...at least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory.

10. The text message you sent went through. If they didn’t respond, it wasn’t because of malfunctioning phone carrier services.

11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official, that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again: “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t cheating because, you weren’t together together...right?

12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren’t an excuse or validation for cheating, but sometimes they certainly increase the chances of it happening.

13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends and family.

14. You aren’t likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, or not some other person enough to be embraced.

15. Any person you get romantically involved with, you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. Both of these are equally terrifying concepts.

16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you. (I plead guilty on this one myself).

17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship, and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to them. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking, and human code isn’t embedded in everyone.

18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face, or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and presto...relationship over! The easy way out is far from the most considerate.

Which number speaks more about where you are? I'd like to know where you stand on these...

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The Silence Is Deafening

I love timely articles on relationship behaviors, and this one couldn't have come at a better time. Once again this week, my friend and contributing relationship guest blogger Danielle Gordon from La Vida Dolce addresses a popular tactic that to me, has NO positive benefit at all.  

 

Hello again my dear readers! I would like to talk about my biggest pet peeve in relationships: the silent treatment. I'm sure we've all experienced the following scenario with our partners: 1) an argument starts, 2) the issue goes unresolved, and 3) you or your partner responds with a cold shoulder for days. It's understandable if this may happen occasionally, but what happens if this continuously repeats during every argument? Before we delve into the peculiarities of the silent treatment, I would like to differentiate between the "cooling off period" and the "silent treatment".

Cooling off period: This is the minutes-hours immediately following an argument. You and your partner just had an emotionally charged tete-a-tete and need time to regroup/recharge mentally and emotionally. I consider this a normal evolution of an argument because it allows the issue to be resolved after both parties are calmer.

Silent treatment: This is the hours-days-weeks following an argument. There's no basic communication between you and your partner. It’s the type of tension that can be cut with a butter knife. Issues are clearly unresolved and resentment brews. This is an emotionally unhealthy relationship.

The silent treatment and emotionally ostracizing your partner is destructive in any personal relationship. It's a passive-aggressive way to control the emotions and dealings of the relationship. In fact, many psychologists and therapists would consider this behavior as emotionally abusive, and I whole-heartedly agree with that classification. Couples who engage in this sort of conflict management demonstrate decreased relationship satisfaction, lower sexual intimacy, and poor communication. Additionally, the victim repeatedly feels abandoned, ignored, and unworthy - who should feel like that in their relationship? Gradually resentment brews between partners - they attribute blame to each other rather than dealing directly with the issues at hand. Nothing good comes out of the silent treatment; I personally feel it's manipulative, disrespectful, and overall, not productive to any relationship.

I decided to write about this topic because it reminds me of my most recent relationship. Whenever we had an argument, or at random times, he would go completely silent. The silence was accompanied by no eye contact, no personal acknowledgement when we're in each others presence, and complete withdrawal of verbal and physical affection. I was left emotionally depleted, thinking "what did I do wrong? why do i deserve such treatment?" I realized that it wasn't me with the problem; it was his way of controlling our relationship. It created an emotional struggle between us, and eventually, we parted ways.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how we deal with it is extremely important. I try to subscribe to the saying, "do what you say, say what you mean" in my relationships. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but be open with your partner when you need time to cool off after an argument; it'll save your relationship from unnecessary struggles. Here are some tips below to start breaking the silent treatment cycle:

1) Mutually agree to "cool off" when the cycle begins

2) Avoid character assassination

3) Sincerely apologize when the time arises

4) Refrain from ping-ponging the silent treatment between each other

5) Do not appear upset nor coax your partner into conversing with you

These suggestions will take time to initiate and you may falter momentarily, but all is not lost. Everyone is entitled to respect, love, and happiness in their relationship. Try to rise above the silent treatment and be responsible for your own happiness. (**Note: If you feel your partner becomes verbally and/or physically abuse, please seek advice from a professional**)

I would love to hear your thoughts.  Happy reading. 

If you would also like to be a guest blogger to Relationship Lessons, send me an e-mail describing what you'd like to talk about (in a separate attachment), and briefly defend or support your point.Once you have been contacted if selected, a 400 max word project is expected before it is posted. Send your thoughts and ideas to myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com. Let's get to writing!   

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Afraid Of Being Alone

A surprising number of people fear being alone. Maybe just about all of us do to some extent. We fear being without a partner, or friends and family. We fear traveling alone in strange places, lost without anyone to ask for help. We fear taking on life without help, for fear of failure. This is natural, this fear of being alone. We’ve all felt it, deep within us, though we try desperately to avoid this fear. And this is the cause of our misery: to avoid this fear of being alone, we will socialize endlessly, including on social networks and email. To avoid being alone, we’ll end up with someone who isn’t really good for us, just to have someone to cling to, someone to rely on. We’ll eat junk food or shop to comfort ourselves, because these things are replacements for love.

But here’s the secret: being alone is empowering. The quiet of being alone is joyful. We tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, scary. But it can be seen as freeing, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to get to know yourself. This is something I’ve been learning the hard way. I had the fear of aloneness for many years, but learning emotional self-sufficiency is one of the best things I’ve done. Sit quietly for a minute, now, and turn inward. Who are you? What are you capable of? What do you think about? Can you accept yourself, when you look closely at yourself? Can you see the beauty in yourself, as you learn something new? As you contemplate life? This is nothing to fear, but to celebrate. Aloneness is beauty.

Traveling Through Life Alone

But isn’t it scary to travel the world alone? To go through life alone if you feel unprepared? Yes, it can be scary. That’s the reason to learn to do it. Don’t know how to find your way in a strange city? Start with the place you live — get lost and find your way back. Learn to use Google Maps, then learn to find visual landmarks. Now branch out into nearby cities. Now take a trip armed with your new skills. Ask for directions. Learn to be OK with getting lost. Don’t know how to pay bills and manage your life? Start with one bill. Teach yourself life management skills one at a time. Become self-sufficient. It’s better to learn to stand on your own two feet than to have to rely on someone else. If you can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness. Don’t know how to protect yourself? Learn to avoid bad situations. Learn to be aware of your surroundings. Learn how to get away. Learn how to defend yourself, at least enough to call for help. You’ll feel more confident in going places alone. Traveling through life alone is a learning process, but you become stronger as you go. It’s like a child who can’t find his way home alone — doing it the first time is scary, but he’s safer and better off having learned the way.

Relationships and Aloneness

Does learning to be OK with being alone mean you can’t be in a relationship? Not at all — but if you aren’t OK with being alone, then being in a relationship is going to be fundamentally flawed. Why? Because you become dependent. You need the other person, not only to pay bills and help you manage, not only to protect you and provide for you, but for emotional needs. You need the other person to pay attention to you, to give you validation and comfort and love. Now, all of those things are nice, but needing someone else for them means you become needy, desperate, and those aren’t attractive qualities. Who wants to be in a relationship with a needy, desperate person? Confidence, self-sufficiency, and strength are much more attractive. So learn to be OK with being alone. Learn to provide for all of your emotional needs. Learn that you are OK, just as you are, without anyone else to “complete you”. What if you’re already in a relationship? This is what I’ve been dealing with myself — it’s still doable. It means noticing when you’re being needy, and backing off. Taking care of your needs yourself. This is a slow process, but it works. Once you’ve got that down, you are in a much better place to be in a relationship. You’re now two whole people, coming together for the benefit of the both of you.

The Joy of Being Alone

Aloneness can be a scary thing, but it can also be a joyful thing. You can celebrate the times when you’re alone. Get to know yourself. Do things that rely on very little — reading a good book, writing, playing music, dancing alone, and learning a new skill. Go for hikes, discover the world without needing to instantly share it online. Be alone and be happy with yourself. You deserve it.

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Five Things Women Should Already Know About Men

It’s safe to say they call men the opposite sex for a reason. Men and woman may share some similar qualities, but for the most part, it’s fair to say we are extremely different. From the way we walk to the manner in which we speak, men handle their day to day lives with a different attitude and actions that women would never think to take. I’ve compiled the top 5 things every woman should already know about men. Ladies, you just might learn something, but then again, I hope you already did.

1. Men Want to Feel Needed. This may come as a surprise to you, but it’s true. Although women are considered the needier sex, men do crave attention as well. Today, women are all about independence, and although your man might be all about that, he wants to still feel in charge. Men are eager to impress and enjoy being helpful. It makes us feel important and needed, something we all enjoy. Let us flex our manly qualities every once in a while. Can’t open that pickle jar or maybe that shelf is out of reach? Step back and let a him save the day.

2. Men Are Doers. Men are action orientated. We’re all about handling situations rather than thinking them over, which can get us into a bit of trouble on occasion. For the most part, it confuses women. Women assume that because men aren’t always vocal when it comes to emotions, that we may not feel the same way. Before you jump down our throat, consider how we act around you. Even if we doesn’t always say “I love you”, our actions may hold the true key to how we really feel.

3. Men Can’t Read Minds and Hate Trying to do it. This should go without saying, but women often forget this one. Although women are very intuitive and can read people and situations very easily, men do not share the same talent. We don’t know why you’re upset, and likely won’t be able to get you the amazing birthday present you really want without you passing a few not too subtle hints. Don’t expect guys to know what’s the matter if you don’t speak up. If there’s something bothering you, or you want something from him, say it. Like my father would occasionally always tell me, “a closed mouth don’t get fed.”

4. Men Have Insecurities Too. Women are known for being too critical of themselves, but men are also harsh when it comes to their own flaws too. They could be body conscience and get hung up on certain aspects of their physical appearance. Some don’t feel strong in the bedroom, while others just aren’t sure you find our jokes funny. You know how you sometimes ask how you look in that new dress just to hear how amazing you are? Compliments feel good. Guys think so too! Throw him a few compliments every once in a while to remind him how sexy and amazing he is. He will love you more for it.

5. Men Unwind Differently. When there’s drama in the office or with family and friends, women like to talk about it. Gabbing with the girls over a few martini’s is an all time favorite when it comes to letting off steam. For guys? Not so much. When men are upset, they usually like to be alone and don’t enjoy discussing the matter. Guys are all about solving problems quickly and efficiently. Logically orientated, we prefer to keep silent and get the job done, rather than worry about it and discuss the matter for days. When we need some alone time we stick to sports, or hang with the guys. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you, or isn’t open to discuss his issues with you. It just means we need a break to breathe, assess, and sort it all out.

Men and women are very different, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put forth an effort to understand each other. Take note, men are action oriented creatures who need a self esteem boost every now and then to keep moving forward. Keep things open and positive, and your relationship with him will flourish...

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Too Toxic to Handle

One of my regular contributors presented me with three great blogs that I want to highlight each week in the month of October. So from the website La Vida Dolce (www.lavidadolce.com), here's my friend Danielle Gordon... 

 



Relationships are a fickle beast. Sometimes they're uplifting and make us feel like we're on cloud 9, and other times, they're draining and make us want to eat a pint of ice cream. I want to discuss the notion of "toxic/unhealthy relationships". This sort of relationship can be applied to all realms: family, friends, and romantic relations, but I want to specifically address romantic relationships. Unfortunately many of us are unaware that we're engaging in these interactions, because after continual exposure, our ability to decipher what's acceptable or not is greatly impaired. Now, what characterizes a "toxic/unhealthy relationship":

1) Non-Communication - Engaging in conversation with your partner is like getting ready for war. You suppress your opinion out of fear for their reaction/response, or when you do speak up, there's belittlement and blame and unresolved differences.

2) Disrespect - This can be manifested in various ways. Some examples are: completely not acknowledging you for days after an argument, attacking your qualities as an individual, or continually placing one-sided blame. When couples engage in this sort of "tit-for-that", mutual respect quickly diminishes.

3) Lack of boundaries - It's wonderful being a unit with your partner, but sometimes, a little bit of "me" time goes a long way. I've always believed that relationships require a healthy balance of individualism + partnership. The toxicity arises when your partner questions why you may want some alone time, why you spend time with your friends without them, or you pre-empt their disapproval and stay behind.

4) Fail to compromise - Compromise is essential to any lasting relationship. It shows our partner that we respect and listen to them; however, it cannot be one-sided. In unhealthy relationships, one partner always feels the need/is expected to concede while the other refuses to adapt.

I understand it's difficult to realize you're in an unhealthy relationship; no one wants to feel they're relationship isn't supportive and loving. I say this, not to be cliché, but out of experience. I've been in a toxic/unhealthy relationship and acknowledging it was the best step I could've taken.

If you're currently facing this, my sincere advice would be to outline the pro/cons of the relationship - are your emotional needs met/do you get what you put in? Then when you're ready, you can either do the following:

- Stay and work on the relationship - Continuing the relationship is admirable. You don't want to go down without a fight, right? I get that, I like to resolve the issues too before making a major relationship change. If that's your chosen path, use your voice, set boundaries, have a strong sense of who you are, and take care of yourself. Realize that your partner may not change in this process. If you feel there's no progress, then move to Plan B - it's time to say good-bye.  

- End the relationship - Breaking up is hard to do. In the short-term there's pain and sorrow; you've given your heart and soul to that person for awhile, but you will be OK. You've taken a huge step towards your emotional survival. Have faith in yourself. Use the lessons learned from that experience when searching for your next partner.

We may come out with some battle scars, but there will be someone waiting for us to show the true essence of a relationship. Always believe in life and love. May we all find sincere love, happiness, and support with a special someone.

Happy reading.

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How to Know You Are "THAT" Woman

There are so many positive changes a good woman can bring into a man’s life. Ask any happily married man and he will tell you this to be true. When a man finds the love and affection of the right woman, his life will be positively impacted forever. So the question lingers. Are you that woman in your man’s life? Are you the type of woman he needs to achieve his goals and find true happiness?

Here are a few signs that you are.

Sign #1: He is more optimistic. If the man in your life out of nowhere becomes cheerful and optimistic about the future, it might be because of you. Everyone needs that special person in their life that makes them feel as if the world has no limits. If he sees the future as a bright and amazing place that holds no boundaries, chances are you are partly responsible for his enthusiastic growth.

Sign #2: He opens up more. Us men can sometimes be emotional vaults that don’t open unless you possess the right key, and research has shown that is not healthy. Here's my chance to intentionally show off my relationship skills (unintentionally, of course): The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reported that emotions are tied to our nervous system, which controls our heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, respiration, and perspiration, showing clearly that physical and emotional health are connected. If your guy opens up to you and let’s you know about the things that worry or stress him, this is a positive sign and you are likely the only person he shares these feelings with. Most men have a hard time opening up emotionally, leading them to carry around a weight of built up stress, which can lead to long term health problems like heart disease. If you are the person he feels comfortable opening up to, allowing him to share this emotional burden, then you are definitely the type of woman he needs in his life.

Sign #3: He wants a promotion, or a come up. Are you noticing his ambition levels rising? He wants a higher paying job, he’s talking about going back to school to further his education, maybe even starting his own business. If he’s motivated to succeed more than ever now that you are by his side, then you are no doubt having a positive impact on him. Your support means more than you realize.

Sign #4: He is more empathetic. Empathy is something that women tend to possess more of than men, and that becomes less pronounced when a man meets the right woman. The ability to understand and sympathize with another person is a positive trait men tend to gain when the right woman comes into their lives. If you have helped him see that love and compassion is just as powerful as anger and aggression, you are definitely the type of woman he needs in his life.

If you notice all or at least a few of these signs when it comes to your man, be assured that you are the type of woman he needs. When two people come together romantically they should improve each other by filling in each others weaknesses, making them better together than when they are apart. Any two people that can trigger this positive growth in each other were meant to be together...

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Men Are Not Mindreaders

There are articles on top of articles, and books on top of books telling women what they should or shouldn’t do in relationships. I know you ladies are tired of it too, and I hear and see your complaints. There is this overall sense that men aren’t urged to hold themselves accountable for their actions, and I do understand and somewhat agree with that sentiment. But after all the finger-pointing is over, there still lies a disconnect. So what can we do about that?

Contrary to what some ladies may have been told, men are not mind readers, no matter how much you may want us to be. Should we know certain things? Sure, but ultimately for any change to happen we have to know a problem exists. I have lady friends complain to me about men all the time, and I never fail to ask them, “Did you tell him what he said wrong? Did you tell him how he made you feel when he did that to you? Did you tell him not to address you as ‘Ma’ because he’s not your son? Did you tell him to open your door for you because you only date guys who exhibit chivalry?” I’m not suggesting that men should not already come to you pre-packaged with common sense, but common sense unfortunately, isn’t so common anymore. So before you dismiss the man, take time to consider the factors that may have contributed to his behavior. He may have never seen a successful healthy relationship up close and personal. His influences may only be Hip-Hop Music, reality shows and misogynistic movies. He may have also come across women in his past with low self-esteem and/or lack of patience to correct him on his behavior as it pertains to his interaction with women.

This in no way is a cop-out for him, but it is a likely possibility. In order to move forward in a more beneficial direction for women (collectively), two things must happen: 

1. Men must be willing to make the necessary changes and educate themselves on a more tasteful way to interact with their female counterparts. 

2. Women must embrace the power they have to educate him on how disrespectful it is when he calls you pet names on the first encounter, or how insensitive he comes off when he fails to hear your point of view on a disagreement.

He may not be as receptive if you’re saying these things boisterously, but tap into your innate nurturing side and correct that man with love. This is one step towards a giant leap for the betterment of male-female interaction, even if he has already ruined his chances with you, maybe he’ll approach the next woman with a bit more sense.

Quick note for the Gentlemen: She’s not your mother, so don’t call her ma. Ask her what her name is, then use it until further notice. She knows she’s beautiful, you’ve mentioned it two times within your first two sentences. She’s much more than what you see on the exterior, so get to know her. There’s nothing wrong with stroking egos — and speaking of egos, tone yours down. Every woman is not for you, so don’t act like a petulant spoiled brat when she respectfully declines your advances. Take it in stride, wish her a wonderful day and keep it moving. Listen and resolve the tension. 

The power is within us, let’s end the disconnect. Class is dismissed for today!

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The Catagories We Put Women In

Ladies, let’s face it: Men really are from Mars. We sometimes are difficult to partly understand, yet alone completely understand. You can never know what we're really thinking, and quite often you have to translate our brains to the dialect of some Earthling just to figure out what‘s going on. You stay in there and give it the old college try with us, and that in part is why we can't live without you. Some things you can make sense out of without all the other things we say and do that get in the way. However, there are some things we aliens do as men that you might not be fully aware of. We are woman detectors, and as the aliens that we are, every man is equipped with this ability. The woman detector is a visual program wherein every women who comes into view is assessed, judged, compared and categorized. She is assessed first for shape and size, then clothing and appearance, and then for availability. Almost instantly we determine if she is of interest or not, and whether she’s worth a second look. That’s it. Men are walking, talking, driving woman scanners. The scanner at the supermarket scans for bar-codes, we scan for hips, legs, breasts, waist, face, hair, shoes, skirts, makeup, jewelry, tattoos, piercings and a wedding band (funny how that one is sometimes last). I’ve coined a few labels to help you figure out how we really feel about you as we scan. See if you can relate:

1. The Homegirl - He calls you ‘dude’ or ‘man’. He asks you to go for a ride in his car (after you’ve helped him fix the engine), and you go to the restaurant for a drink, but not a meal. He slaps you on the back (not the behind) and asks you to check out the sassy waitress that walks by. You are definitely in the friend zone, or he thinks of you as his tomboy sister. Give him a high five and send him on his way.

2. The Bedroom Master - He wants to keep you around so he can get it on with you at a whim (usually his whim). He sends you risque texts (but never fun and flirty), and only late at night. You’ve never met his friends and he only sees you at your place. Forget fancy restaurants, he’ll only invite you to drink with him at a “hole in the wall” bar. He may be kind enough to see that you get home by walking you to the cab (for which you’ll be paying the fare). Delete, delete, delete! You’re better than sloppy seconds whenever it suits him!

3. The Rebound Woman - You're tagged on all his social media sites, and when you two are in public, he can’t stop touching you. Sounds great! Until you’re alone. Then he mopes around, becomes moody, and stares at pictures of his ex. The public face is that he’s having a great time with his new girl, but the reality is that he is only trying to make someone else jealous. Hand him back to her, quickly!

4. The One - He takes you to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You’ve met his friends and family, and you get along with them. He respects your thoughts, values, and opinions. He's happy to look after you when you get the flu and look like a bad version of the wicked witch of the west. This one is potentially marriage material and worth keeping. He could be the real deal, and if you don’t steer him down the aisle, someone else will!

When it’s the real deal, he won’t seem so complicated. He’ll be perfectly normal and you will both reside here on planet Earth. No more trips to Mars for you, and no more scanning for him! He will be clear with his thoughts and he will make sense (most of the time). You will appreciate him for all that he is – which is perfect for you! I might be exposing some things here, but I hope this helps you...

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My Version of Happy

A close friend of mine who lives in Atlanta said to me during my last conversation with her that women sometimes don’t know how to be happy. I don’t think that statement only pertains to women because there are men in that conversation too. I asked myself that same question this week because I’m starting to think that even when everything is perfect we find ways to be unhappy in our relationships.

What does it really take to be happy in a relationship? Are we climbing in our relationships just like we do in life? Is a relationship like a career in which you’re always trying to reach another level or get a better job that will reward us in the way that we deem fitting? I’m not sure, and I also think that’s not how we should view things. We have to find a way to be happy. Happiness is the key to a great life and it seems that almost half of us aren’t happy. Roughly 50% of us will get married; and roughly 50% of us who get married will stay married. It’s awkward talking to single guys about what they want out of a partner. It seems they want perfection, despite knowing that they will most likely never find it. Happiness isn’t something you can order on Amazon and wait for it to show up three to five business days later, it’s something that requires work. But when you’re happy, you have to know when to accept it and internalize it so that it doesn’t flee like most things in life. Happiness isn’t a season and it isn’t a mood. If it feels that way, then it’s most likely best referred to as bliss.

My struggle with the relationship and dating world right now is this impression that things will be perfect. That they won’t require an enormous amount of effort to make things work, because it will. I haven’t been in a relationship since grade school that was as easy as, “I like you, you like me, we go together.” In fact, most relationships will involve all of us trying our hardest to make it work. There will be tears, frustration, arguments, distance and tribulation. That’s all part of what you sign up for when you embark on a relationship. Does anyone else feel that way too? I guess I want everyone to think about what it really requires to be happy. Are you always smiling or are you always frowning? Are you looking at the glass like it's half empty or half full? But moreover, when it’s half of what you expect it to be, are you trying to fill it or are you trying to find a glass more full? Relationships will leave you scarred in many ways. You can either look at those scars and become better for it, or you can walk away and not let those scars heal at all. 

That’s the nature of people, we’re always chasing perfection and we will never find it. The easy, most cliche' way of saying it is: 

1. Be happy with what you have in front of you. 

2. Try to make it work, don’t be the reason why it didn’t. 

3. Be happy you have someone, a lot of people don’t have anyone. 

4. Be happy with your relationship, even though it seems like crap at times. 

5. Anything you’re dealing with is probably better off dealing with when there’s a significant other than alone. 

Then, just maybe we might have more happy people in the world. Especially those of us who choose to seek out the companionship of another person...

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Five Ways To Be a Relevant Dad

I recently had an awesome opportunity to be a presenter at a Fathers and Family Coalition conference (I know, right?). My presentation focused on how fathers could use their life experiences as a springboard to reach and teach fathers about the importance of their role as fathers. During my presentation, one of the young fathers asked a very courageous question. Like many single fathers, he gets his son every other weekend and he questioned the significance of his time with his son. He stated that when he picks up his son on a Friday, before he knew it, the weekend was over and now he has to wait 12 days to see him again. He wanted to know what he could do to maintain his relevance. So, before fully addressing his question of maintaining his relevance, I made sure that he knew that his involvement was crucial. My son Jonathan, is the product of a single-parent household, and in the early stages during biweekly visits, I too questioned the relevance of my new role as a single father. However, when I look at him now, and all that he has accomplished so far, there is no doubt in my mind that my presence has something to do with who he is shaping up to be today, and what he will be in the future. My input made and continues to make a substantial impact on his life. To answer the young father’s question, I came up with the 5 things that I did to maintain my relevance while dealing with a biweekly court-ordered visitation schedule. 

1. Get to know your child’s teachers. Attend open school night meetings. Fathers are rarely seen in schools, so the fathers who do show up are welcomed. Trust me when I tell you that the administration, all of Jonathan's teachers, and even the security officers at his school know exactly who I am. A teacher called me about Jonathan's behavior, 15 minutes I was there. Blew the teacher away because she never expected a father to come and deal with it as immediate as I did. Not only will it go a long way with the teachers, but this will show your child that you care, that you have taken the time out of your schedule to find out what they are doing, and whom they are doing it with.

2. Attend Special Events. Go to baseball games, attend recitals, school assemblies, science fairs, etc. On the weekends, I get to go to Jonathan's ball games but this past Saturday was filled with work, a funeral, more work, and being a presenter at a luncheon all within a 2 hour window literally 20 miles in opposite directions. I told Jonathan that I didn't believe I could attend his game due to the logistics involved. Now I believe he really doesn't understand what the word "logistic" means, but when he called me Saturday morning while I was slammed at work, I couldn't disappoint him over the distance between engagements. I showed up at his game in time to see him pitch one inning and have one at-bat. He'll remember that I was there front and center cheering him on for 30 minutes and talking to him in the dugout before I had to get back in the car to speed off to the next engagement. I believe there is nothing in the world like a child seeing their father in the stands or in the audience cheering them on...nothing!

3. Work harder at developing a working relationship with the mother of your child. This could open the doors to more time with your child, while providing you with the help and support that you will need to raise your child. I will go to my grave saying that I am the father that I am solely because of the mother that partners with me. My son's mother LaShaun and I have a pretty detailed system. She brings our son to me in the mornings, I prepare his lunch, press his uniform, and take him to school. If there are any situations or emergencies at school, either Jonathan or the school calls me. I leave work and go up there for any parent-teacher conferences. At the end of his day (not mine) I leave work and pick him up from school, go over his homework, mom comes over after she leaves work and takes him to baseball practice or home. Our routine is like a dance that we've perfected over time. On a side note, when dropping your child off to their mother’s house on Sunday, hug them like it could be the last time that you were ever going to see them. Say the words, “I Love You” and stop assuming that they know that you love them. With everything that is going on in their lives, they need to hear this from you. They need and deserve your assurance.

4. Technology is a wonderful addition to frequent communication. Social media, emails, and texting are great tools for communicating. However, a simple letter (snail mail) works wonders with kids. The feeling of receiving a letter from someone never goes stale. Close your eyes and picture your child receiving mail from you 2-3 times a week. Picture the smiles on their faces when they see a letter confirming your love, or when they see pictures that display your time together. I promise you, this is priceless! Every week for a year, I sent Jonathan a card in the mail and wrote in it some words to encourage him and reminded him that I love him. They live not even 15 minutes from me if I walked to his house, 5 minutes if I drove, but the fact that he looked for me via the mailbox was a special game that we played and I'll never forget that. Do you know how hard it is to find a card for a child every week, without repeating? That happened one time, and he called me and told me that he got that card already. I told him it wasn't the same because of what I wrote inside of it, but I played it off. I really didn't know I got a duplicate, but I stepped up my game and didn't make that mistake again.

5. Time is more important than being a bank for your child. Giving your child money is great, but taking your child to the park to throw a ball back and forth, or going to the library to get their first library card, or opening up their first bank account are the things that your children will remember in the long run. In 2005, probably the most difficult parenting moments I ever experienced, my father was with me as I tried to grow up and be the man I was supposed to be, watching me every step of the way. The most profound thing my father would tell me, I carry with me to this day: "Jonathan needs you to be more of a watch to him and less of a wallet." That man from Cotton Valley, Louisiana changed my life completely from then on! 

All of your technology (computer screen savers, tablet backgrounds, and your mobile devices) should have pictures of you and your children. These are just a few behind-the scene-things that I did that help to solidify my relationship with my son. I was working for him during the time that I was not with him. I was constantly thinking about what I can do for him and with him during the off week, and I have to admit that it help to fill the time that I did not have him. In addition, it proved to me and to my son and to the world that I could be a loving, caring, and involved single dad, and not be singled out through stereotypes of men not being a father to their children.

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