Saying Goodbye To Them Is Saying Hello To You

I’ve gone through a lot of changes, especially in my dating life, and I’m sure many single parents out there can relate. For a while, I bounced back and forth between playing the field, to not dating at all, to focusing on my son and myself. At the time, seeing a woman one or two times and then moving on to the next was easier for me than anything committal. Casually dating meant I didn’t have to worry about getting my heart broken, giving up my freedom, or introducing anyone to my son.

At a certain point though, I grew bored of all the me-time and hook-ups. Without even realizing it, the desire to fall in love again had crept back into my life. I no longer wanted to be alone, and found myself wanting something more serious than my usual flings, but just because I was ready to seriously date didn’t mean I was ready for a serious relationship, and in my single world, there’s a difference.

To me, seriously dating someone meant I’m not sleeping, making out with, or seeing anyone else. We’re exclusive, but the relationship part needs to evolve slowly. What’s wrong with dating exclusively for a while and getting to know one another before slapping that label across my forehead? As a single man at 50, I don’t feel I can be as carefree about falling in love or getting into a relationship as I was in my thirties and forties. It is no longer just about feelings and lust, there are so many other factors involved in my choosing a partner because my son’s future is at stake too.

Though I’ve been completely open to investing my heart and time in quality women that I meet, my first reaction to hearing the word “boyfriend” too soon is to cringe, or even worse, RUN. I’ve seen other men get giddy over being in a serious relationship, but for me, that’s where things get complicated.

Making a commitment like that means our lives are beginning to intertwine and I’m planning some type of a future with you, which means eventually introducing you to my kid. It also probably means there’s an expectation that someday we’re going to take things to the next level, like moving in together and even getting married. Deciding if I want to share my life with someone takes me way more than a handful of dates.

I’ve rushed into relationships many times before and that’s obviously never ended well. This time around I made a promise to myself to slow things down and go at my own pace, though that’s not always easy for me to speak up about and communicate to the women that come into my life. Recently a woman I was briefly seeing asked me about being committed, and with school being my primary focus, it just isn't where I am right now. Was she disappointed? I think we both were a little disappointed, but I couldn’t put her feelings above my own and end up in relationship I was not truly ready for. 

As awkward as the conversation was to have, I told her how I felt about her, but I was also honest about the fact that I needed to get to know her at my own pace before I was going to fully let her into the world I live in. Her being on the outside of that world looking into it at the moment was safe for me, but she wanted more and I understood that. Despite my thinking she would end things, I wasn’t hurt or pissed off. No grudges, no blocking them off social media, I'm good, she's good, we're good. School is my focus, and I have to remember that I can't give her what she wants, and as bad as it may sound, I am actually alright with that. 

A funny thing happened after we had that exchange; because she was able to be completely candid about her feelings and also listen to mine, my fears about labels subsided. Her willingness to not stick around obviously made me realize this one was not worth taking the leap into girlfriend territory, but it was worth me opening my eyes to today's dating methods. I think this is the first time in a long time I ever entered into a relationship being 100% authentically me, and that in itself felt pretty damn amazing.

Moral of the story? Don’t be afraid to express how you feel. Be honest with the person you are dating about what you are comfortable with. Lasting relationships are built on trust and communication, and we all want a lasting relationship, right? Be proud of who you are. Be your quirky yet AMAZING self who can accessorize your "big bag of ugly" like a champ! Anyone who can’t deal with that shouldn’t be in your life anyway. The right kind of partner will accept your imperfections and help carry your bag, so you both can enjoy the ride...

Finding "A Good One" Instead of Finding "The One"

Singles come to me to help them find love, and one of the things I commonly hear is, “I want to find Mr./Mrs. Right” or “I want to find ‘The One.’” Even people who are in a relationship ask me, “How do I know if the person I’m with is ‘The One’?”

One of the common criteria I hear that people use to determine if their partner is a good fit is whether there are problems while dating or in a relationship. “Delvin, if you’re with the right person, you’ll rarely experience conflict. Right? Right?!?”

Focusing on finding this ‘One’ person somewhere out there can be an early setup not only for relationship failure, but for keeping yourself single. It’s a very limiting approach whenever you meet someone, they have to meet your idea of Mr./Mrs. Right. If one thing doesn’t fit, or when you start having problems, it’s easy to dismiss this person and believe that there’s someone even better out there.

When you’re in the early stages of a relationship, it’s natural to overemphasize the positive and downplay any negatives, but when the infatuation wears off, you see your partner more realistically – including their faults. And what happens when problems pop up? Common beliefs I’ve heard:

"I’m just with the wrong person."
"Maybe there’s someone better out there."
"Things would be different with someone else."
"He/She is not my soulmate."

The reality is no matter who you are with, you will have problems. It’s impossible for two people to always agree in every situation – we’re too unique for that to happen. Since problems are inevitable, what it means for you when you’re dating is to date with the mindset of, “What can I live with? What can I compromise on? For example, one person you date may be chronically late, another may drink a little more than you’re comfortable with, and another may want to spend more time with you than you want to with them. You have to determine whether behaviors such as these are deal breakers or if you can live with them or find a workable compromise.

So instead of looking for “The One,” look for a “Good One.” A man or woman who treats you well, accepts you as you are, listens to your needs and is willing to compromise are essential for relationship success. Obviously, you have to be this kind of person as well. You can’t be too rigid, want things your way, think you are always right, and expect to be in a happy relationship. Respect each others differences and manage them so you both feel like you can win when conflict arises.

Bottom line, if you trade your current date or partner for another, you will trade one set of problems for another. Trust me, the good ones come with their own "big bag of ugly" no matter who you are with. No one is perfect and remembering this can lead to a more satisfying relationship...

Getting Over It

As the old song goes, “Breaking up is hard to do,” but how do you pick up the pieces after a relationship is over? Here are three ways to soften the blow and get back to being your unbeatable self!

1. Don’t Try To Replace Them - A lot of men and women make the mistake of instantly dating once they break up with the one they loved. They are working on what is called "the replacement theory" and that having someone is better than having nobody at all. This used to be me all day, everyday. The minute the relationship was over, I was on the hunt for someone new. I, much like some of you, cannot stand the thought of being alone. You believe that by jumping into a new relationship, you won’t have to feel the pain that comes with the old one ending. The truth is, the pain of a break up is good for you and something you NEED to experience.

2. Just Like Like A Tunnel, You Have To Go Through It - While you’re processing the end of a relationship, you grow into a better and stronger version of yourself. You need to take the time to figure out what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, and understanding what went wrong with the relationship. You don’t want to make the same mistakes again, and this is your chance to learn. This is your chance to develop as a person, so you should embrace it. As much as it hurts, this time if going through it is so important and special.

3. Empower Yourself - You need to empower yourself after a relationship ends. Give yourself the time you deserve for YOU. Start understanding yourself better. Reconnect with yourself, and who you are. When you start to understand what makes you tick, you become the most powerful version of yourself possible. You go from being “we” to “me” again. Don’t be afraid of the pain. It’s there to help you grow. It’s going to show you what you need to do next. 

Breaking up may be hard to do, but putting yourself back together shouldn't be harder...

Spellbound

Singers, songwriters, poets and novelists have been writing about love for centuries. Even bloggers have had their share in writing about it, just not for as long. It has to be the number one topic out there. Reminiscing on that moment when you fell for each other after exchanging a “hello” and the next thing you know, he/she has put a spell on you. If you listen to love songs close enough, you can hear the joy of being found in it. If you listen to love songs even closer, you can hear the heartbreak in it too. We all try to describe that magic moment in song when boy meets girl. Songs like "Slow Jam" by Midnight Starr, Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" or "I Miss You" from Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes represent to me some of the best of what music has to offer on the subject. 

There are so many songs on the subject, it’s endless. No one has ever been able to figure it out. That’s the beauty of love. That moment when two people, two strangers meet, and it happens. No one has been able to figure out how and why it happens. Think about it. You’re going about your everyday life, you’re getting coffee, checking out a class, having conversation with a friend, texting somebody, when all of a sudden, you walk into a restaurant and there they are. You look at them and they look at you, and there is this moment, when everything seems to stop. Everything seems to cease in that moment. You walk over, you smile, they smile back at you and the next thing you know, the story of boy meets girl begins.

You put a spell on them just as much as they put a spell on you. We don’t know what it is. How can two souls all of a sudden find each other and feel like they’ve known each other forever? It is an amazing feeling that we all crave, desire and want. Some of us are very lucky, and we have had this happen to us quite a few times in our lives. Other people have never had it happen, and that is where it comes down to being.

How open are you to receive love? If you are an open center of receiving love, then love will find you. Do you know why? Because loves always finds people who are open, wide open. My entire life, I’ve always believed that I can meet someone amazing. It’s always been my mindset. I’ve never been shut down to a relationship. There are times in my life that I haven’t desired a relationship, but whenever I make the decision that I really want a spectacular, amazing relationship, God will deliver it. I’ll have that magic moment.

I’ve been this way since I was maybe 16 years old. It’s a mindset and a belief system that I’ve instilled in myself. I have met many people that will walk around and say they want a relationship but they never seem to meet the right person. I also have met many people that have never really been lucky in love. They will even tell the universe they do not feel lucky in love, so of course the universe will happily deliver exactly what they ask for. They will tell the universe that there are no good people out there. Nobody really wants somebody like them, and they must have missed their chance. I used to hear that, especially from people who used to be in my circle. Key word: "used to be."

I have always found amazing love in my life. I know the skeptic inside of you must be saying, if I found such amazing loves in my life, then how am I not married by now, and why am I single at this present moment? Some love lasts a short time, and some love lasts a long time. In the reality in which we live, very few of us find a love that lasts a lifetime, but if you keep going and moving, you will find that love can occupy your time to the point that you no longer depend on time to tell you how long its been. You’ll find love that will allow you to grow, blossom, learn, be inspired, and inspire others. You will find it in your friendships, and you will find it in your romance. It took some time, but I've come to the understanding as Stephanie Mills would sing better than I could say, I've Learned to Respect The Power of Love. 

If you believe love is going to find you, and you believe that love is abundant, you are not going to settle for relationships that don’t serve you well, and you are not going to settle for relationships that don’t inspire you either. If you truly believe that you are an amazing, loving, caring human being, then love will show up as it always does. It will show up on that random Friday afternoon in September. It will show up on a cold wintry day when everybody is so shut down, and when all of a sudden love shows up in the local supermarket. It shows up in all of the most unique places, and it does that because love has no timeline and no boundary. It only delivers to the people who actually believe in it.

The question is, right now, do you believe in love? (I think that may be a song. I know that it’s probably a book, and it’s even been a movie title or two.) If you truly do believe in love, no matter what your age, love is going to knock on the door and it’s going to show up. Believe it, because in my entire existence on this planet, I have always believed that love will show up. Sure enough, when I’m ready for it, when I’ve gone through whatever transformation, whatever necessary lesson that I needed to go through, or whatever work I needed to do on myself, the universe will let love show up.

When I am ready to love and be loved again, it will show up as if by magic. We know it’s not really magic, because I manifested it, and the universe made it happen. You can make it happen for you too, if you believe in it...

Premature Expectation: The Relationship Killer

Ladies sit down, relax and pay attention, because I’m about to show you how to avoid any more dating stress and anxiety. I am about to show you how to avoid the trap of relationship expectations. But what are relationship expectations, and how do you know if you have them?

Well, let’s say you start dating a new man. He’s amazing in every way imaginable. You start to think to yourself. “I can’t believe how lucky I am. He’s amazing. This is the perfect relationship for me.”

Then you go into relationship forecaster mode. You start predicting when you’re going to marry him and start a family with him. You even start to plan some of the little details of your “big day.” You get so carried away with the future, you forget to remain present and in the moment. You want and need this relationship to work out, but you’re blind to the possibility anything could possibly go wrong. Then all of a sudden, something changes. The relationship breaks down and you’re left broken-hearted.

One of the main reasons your relationships never work out how you plan them, is because you CAN’T plan a relationship. It has to unfold naturally. When you meet someone for the first time, remain open and present, and that way you’ll find out who that person really is.

It’s fine trying to understand men better. It’s fine learning how to connect with men on a very deep level, but even the greatest understanding of what men want and desire in a relationship, doesn’t help you predict the future behavior of one individual man. The only way you can truly get a sense of where a relationship is heading is to be open at all times. Listen to what your man says. Watch his actions. Feel the way he holds and kisses you. Pay attention to everything around you, and you’ll protect yourself from false hope and expectations. It is so very important for you remain present and grounded. It’s the only way to stop yourself from becoming involved in a relationship based on fantasy. When you think about it, relationship forecasting is no different to a 10-day weather forecast. How many times do the weather people get their predictions correct? You can’t forecast relationships, because there’s no way of forecasting something as unpredictable as another human being and their behavior.

Love is unpredictable. In a way, that’s what makes it so fun and exciting, but living in the future is the quickest way to set yourself up for a fall. Remember that men are very much “in the moment” so if you try to get too far ahead of us you’re going to push us away. Enjoy your relationships for what they are, and let them unfold naturally. Just think how boring life would be if you knew exactly what was around every corner. That’s not how life should be, and it’s not how love should be.

So, from this moment on, I want you to make me a promise. No more relationship expectations. There will be a time to expect things from him, but don't jump the gun too soon or else you'll be looking for sun when in fact it's going to rain...  

Heartbreak Shouldn't Destroy You

Today, I’m going to introduce you to a phrase. The phrase I’m going to introduce you to is exceptionally important to the way you experience life from this moment on. Are you ready for it? Life is a series of events. I’ll say it again. Life is a series of events. In fact, grab yourself a pen and paper, or put it in the phone that I’m sure isn’t far away from your hands right now. Life is a series of events. I want you to write that phrase down, say it out loud five times, and then I want you to read it every day when you get up. Now that I believe the phrase life is a series of events is stuck in your head, I need to ask you a question.

Knowing that life is a series of events, why on earth do you let one event destroy some of you so badly? Every day I read emails from men and women, telling me about one event that happened in their life, and now they have completely changed the way they live. Maybe it’s a woman who found out her man cheated on her. Now she’s saying she will never trust another man again. I’ll hear from a man who went out and approached a woman. The approach went OK, but conversation dried up and he ended up losing her interest and feeling embarrassed. Now he tells me he’s not going to bother talking to women because he’s no good at it and hates feeling an idiot. I have even heard from people after a break up who say they’re never going to try to find love ever again.

One bad deal can set people back months, and even years in some cases. The truth is, one thing going wrong in your life is nothing. Every day little things are going to go wrong for people. Every day, big things are going to go wrong for people. It’s how you react to things going wrong that defines who you are and how your life moves forward. If you allow one event to paralyze you, you’re telling the world that’s it, you’re done, and you’re never taking a chance again. In life, we have to open ourselves up emotionally, but it seems like one negative event sends people into such a tailspin they slam down the shutters and close off again. One event makes people decide they’re never again going to become vulnerable. They can’t stand the thought of facing another setback so they’d rather not ever risk opening up to life again.

Here is something you need to realize fast. Life isn’t just a series of events. Life is a series of letdowns. Life is a series of negative events. Life is a series of positive events. Just because you brought one rotten apple from the grocery store, are you never going to eat apples again? People with a strong mentality move on, while those with a weaker mindset allow one event to consume them longer than it needs to.

People who live successful lives look at setbacks as little blips on the radar. The weak look at it as if the whole world has imploded on them. When you allow life to affect you like that, you allow your fears to grow and become more powerful. When you live like that, you allow fear to take control and direct the course of your life. When you live like that, you decide being alone is better than risking any more hurt.

How are you feeling being alone? 

Is it nice staying safe on your own little island? 

Aren’t you getting lonely closing the world out? 

It’s time to face your fears, and it’s time to face your vulnerability. If you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll never feel anything. Isn’t FEELING what life is all about?