The Promises I Promise To Promise

Marriage sadly, has lost much of its meaning in today’s society. Growing up in a household where my parents have been together over 50 years, I was always under the impression that marriage meant forever. It's a pledge, a promise, a commitment to another human being to be there for them and with them through thick and thin. To be their teammate and their partner in love and in life. Unfortunately these days, "until death do us part" has become "until debt do us part" and "until I get bored of you". With celebrities spending millions on marriages that last 72 days, over 50% of American adults being single, and a higher-than-comfortable divorce rate, one may begin to ask themselves what exactly is going on here. Now, I'm not throwing stones at this because I admit that I have been the bastard and a marital loser before myself on more than one occasion. It has made me think openly and honestly about what I need to do after doing some deep soul searching for my own sake. 

I think a big part of this problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it, a few years have gone by and the divorce lawyers are collecting another payday. So if and when we are going to make this important commitment to the person we love, what exactly is it that we need to be able to promise them for the future? After all I've been through, I'm ready to promise the following to The One, because I think I've learned a few things, and maybe you can do the same...

“I promise to stick by you through tough times.”

I’m starting off with an important one. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, anyone can stand by your side during the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not they will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days. When making a lifelong commitment to someone, you are committing to being there for them “in sickness and in health.” Sickness – may not be a common cold. It may be a large, life-altering challenge. It may be the sickness of a family member. Maybe, your own sickness. It may not necessarily be a literal health challenge, but perhaps a rough patch in life that tests your commitment and love. You are not pledging to be a fair weather spouse and only be there when times are good. You are pledging to be there – always.

“I promise to always make us a priority.”

Yes, strive for success. Yes, go for that promotion at work. Yes, hustle to take your business to the next level. But be very careful not to destroy your relationship through neglect in the process. Before you were a CEO or a high-powered attorney or a doctor, you were a man or woman who fell in love. You're a human being who is intimately and emotionally connected to another human being. Even the greatest accomplishments in life lose their meaning when we have lost the person we always wanted to share them with. The key is to find a balance and build off of your relationship as a foundation, and appreciate your teammate as part of your success as he or she supports you along the way. Letting the scales tip too far in either direction will only lead to disaster.

“I promise will never let you forget how much I love you.”

As an extension of the previous point, sometimes life gets crazy and we lose sight of things by accident. One of these things can easily be letting our significant other know how much he or she means to us, daily. One of the biggest problems in long term relationships is lack of gratitude. When someone feels taken for granted it can easily breed resentment and a whole slew of other problems that will eat away at your foundation. You’ll know you’ve found the right partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them, long after they’ve already committed to you.

“I promise I will not lose my identity.”

In any happy, healthy relationship, it is important that the two individuals who are together still remain two individuals. Of course your lives are combined into one and you have become an "us" but if either partner begins to lose sight of their hopes, dreams, hobbies, or whatever makes them a "them", it can bring about a deep dissatisfaction that could be projected onto the relationship. This is another reason why self development is so important, as well as personal growth. We need to be sure to not only grow as a couple, but also as individuals alongside each other.

“I promise to keep things exciting.”

A step beyond consistently reminding someone you love them is literally taking action to keep the spark alive. Spontaneous candle-lit dinners. A bath running when they get home from work. A weekend getaway for no reason. When we start a fire, we cannot walk out of the room and expect it to keep burning forever. We need to continue to add logs to it and to stoke it. If we keep doing that, it will never go out. The problems arise when we stop giving it the attention it requires in order to continue burning. Always keep stoking your fire.

The last five promises that I promise to promise will come next week as we begin love month, so stay tuned...

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A Letter to Good Women Everywhere

Last week, I put in the bloggersphere a call for good men to stand up and make themselves visible. You wouldn't believe how many emails I received from both men and women telling me just how needed that post was. I also was asked, for the sake of fairness, if I was going to reveal the characteristics of a good woman. Well, you know I couldn't back away from a challenge, so here are my points on who and what a good woman consists of... 

A good woman will encourage her man: Men have bad days too. We go through periods of feeling lost, confused, and unsure of what to do next. Even when all seems to be going great, it is important to speak life into your man. Encourage him by blessing his day with positive words. Let him know that you are proud of what he’s doing in life, and always push him towards greater. We live in a world where more people want to see us fail than succeed, so be a safe haven for him. Be someone he can count on to say just the right thing. There never has to be a special occasion for encouragement, “just because” encouragement is priceless.

A good woman will respect her man: Respect is essential to a healthy relationship. There will be times in your relationship where the two of you will disagree, but it is important to remember that there is a time and place for everything. This does not mean you don’t have a voice, but it does mean that you shouldn’t down him in front of or to others, or cause a scene in public. When it comes to the opposite sex it means never leading other guys on, or entertaining guys that don’t care about or respect your relationship status. Commitment is serious and remember never do anything you would have to lie about or cover up later.

A good woman will support her man: Support is precious. When you are working hard at something, you have a vision, and you're on a mission, there is nothing like having someone behind you who believes just as much as you do. It is important to support your man in his endeavors. Stick by his side whether things are going great or not – this will mean more to him than you know. Help him get things done if he needs it. Ask him how you can help make things easier. Let him know that you believe in him, and reassure him of the potential he has. Sometimes when things get tough we get hard on ourselves, but be there for him…be his rock.

A good woman will listen to her man: Men may not be as verbal as women, but they have things to say as well. We enjoy talking so much that it is important to remember how essential listening is. Just because you may not agree with what he’s saying, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hear him out and try to understand where he is coming from. Sometimes he may just need a listening ear versus someone lecturing him on what to do. Listen to him, and make sure you give what he has said proper thought before responding. Don’t be so quick to be defensive if the topic pertains to you, because if he says it to you then obviously it really means something to him. Always make sure you have a welcoming attitude so that he feels comfortable talking to you. This will help with misunderstandings, and bring the two of you closer.

A good woman will pray for her man: Aside from thanking God for the blessing of a great relationship, you should pray for your man personally. Pray for his strength, covering, and overall well being. When things come up in the relationship, there isn’t anything you could do more important than praying. We are all a work in progress, so when there are things that you don’t particularly agree with or like, then pray about it. Ask God to help him see the need to make changes. There is nothing like a prayerful woman. If your relationship seems to be on the down-side, turn to God. Remember God set our first example of family when he created Adam and Eve and he blessed us with the gift of love, so what better person to confide in regarding your significant other and your relationship. Lift him up, and seal it with an amen. You can’t be everything for him nor should you desire to be, but the very best thing a good woman can do is pray to the one who can and will be everything he needs.

People misconstrue the sexuality of women with being a good woman, but being a good woman goes so far beyond her sex appeal. Nowhere in here did I mention how a good woman is supposed to look, but did I cover everything? What if anything, did I miss in the good woman's characteristics? I'd love to hear from you on this if you can think of something...

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The 5 Lies We Tell Ourselves About Dating

No one enjoys being lied to, which is why singles rank “honesty” as one of the most important traits they look for in a partner. But when it comes to telling ourselves the truth, we don’t always hold to the same standard. Sometimes we fudge a little. Sometimes, in fact, we tell ourselves blatant lies. Far from innocent and harmless, these self-deceptions can keep us from finding great relationships. Here are five of the most common lies we tell ourselves about dating:

1. “Love is for everyone except me.” Even if you don’t actually say these words to yourself, they may form the basis of a nameless, nagging fear. Either way, the feeling of being destined to forever stand on the outside of love looking in is common. Instead of telling yourself this lie, stop blurring the line between fact and fear. The lack of a significant other in your life currently may be a fact, but projecting that reality dismally into the future is all about fear. It can also become a self-fulfilling prediction, keeping you from exploring new relationships.

2. “I don’t really deserve more.” This lie can prevent you from taking the risk of exploring a new relationship or keep you stuck in a lousy one. Those who believe this lie may find themselves putting up with disrespect or even abuse. It’s counter-intuitive to expect someone to love you well when you don’t expect it yourself. If you believe this about yourself, consider talking with a professional counselor about the events or relationships in your life that led you to embrace this falsehood in the first place.

3. “I know this relationship isn’t great, but it’s better than being alone.” People convince themselves there’s no downside to staying with the wrong person until the right one comes along, but the risks are actually huge. There’s the risk of becoming so comfortable with the wrong person that you stay in a mediocre dating relationship, which could lead to a mediocre marriage. There’s also the risk that, being preoccupied with a mismatch, you’ll miss out on the right match.

4. “It has to look like ‘love at first sight.’” When you take the time to evaluate what you want in a partner and identify what matters most, you’re prepared to make decisions faster. You can more quickly recognize people who have “partner potential.” You can also acknowledge when it’s best to move on. But many people don’t take the time to get to know themselves or identify the essential qualities they need in a partner. These folks often come to a first date with selection criteria based on distortions, and they make important decisions based on the delusion of “immediate chemistry.” If sparks don’t fly right away, they might pass on a great person without giving chemistry a chance to develop. Or they may pursue the relationship based on chemistry when other vital qualities are missing.

5. “If I ignore this red flag, it’ll go away or change.” Sure, and that grinding noise coming from your car will also disappear if you pretend it’s not there. Unfortunately not. If you have nagging concerns about someone you’re dating, ignoring them only delays the inevitable. Convincing yourself otherwise is a sure path to disappointment and even heartache. You might end up wasting months and even years with the wrong person, missing out on better prospects in the process.

Recognizing and rejecting lies is a critical step in wise dating. By telling yourself the truth, you’ll be equipped and empowered to find a loving relationship...

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A Letter to "The One"

We aren’t even married, but I wanted to write a letter to say thanks. If I waited until then, I don't think I would've made it. God only knows how my brain overflows with words. I’m writing this letter because I knew what I was waiting for, and if we never make that step, I know you deserve this gratitude. I'll know if the day comes that you read this, I hope you'll be reading this letter over your morning smoothie, knowing it was written for you...

You Have Patience - Thank you for having the patience to walk through a relationship with a once broken soul. The dating world was completely different than the first time we went through it. Where priorities first consisted of finding that person that made you smile and you could have a good time with, any thought of the “future” this time around required so much more. While I was pretty certain that would be hard to find, I was determined to wait until I did. You knew I had things to work on. You knew that behind my mask of confidence and humor, I had fears of accepting that what I truly wanted was out there. You have patience, thank you.

You Are My Best Friend - I knew that what I wanted was a real teammate; you and me against the world. Someone I could sit back with and laugh as we watch people in public. Someone I could share inside jokes with, brightest dreams and deepest fears, without ever once worrying that trust would be misused. We share failures and success with the zest that keeps us wanting more. You are my best friend, thank you.

You Inspire Me - It’s not that I need you for me to be a better man, it’s that you inspire me to be better. It’s the little things like showing faith in me, the pride you have standing beside me, even that way of calming me down before I take on an important event in my life. You may not know it, but it’s those things that help fuel my desire to succeed. I aim to do the same for you every chance I get. You inspire me by being the one that helps me succeed, thank you.

You Love Our Son - This goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. It was important for us to show our son that a true, healthy, loving relationship could exist. I knew he would learn much of what he knew of love from me. After messing it up the first time around, I was determined to introduce nothing but the best to his life. In you, I found a woman I could honor with love and affection, and you make sure that our son sees the same returned to me. I wasn’t sure I could ever find someone that could appreciate and love our son the way that you do. I was a fool for trying because you were there all along, thank you.

You Complete The Family - Surely you have our own family as well, but you allow me into your life. You took a major step allowing me to step in and help with them every once in a while. I am certain you would worry as much as I do about who would be worthy to be a part of your beautiful life. You realized that before anything, I was meant to be in a family. I was meant to care and provide, teach and encourage. I was meant to be part of a complete family. You completed my family, thank you.

I knew who you were the day I started to believe that another chance was possible. I don’t know how long it took to run into this version of you, but the only thing I know is that without you, I would have never taken this walk again. You see, long ago I realized that I am not perfect. Long ago, I realized that no one is perfect. Sure, you have moments when you aren’t at your best, we all do. You have moments where you need more than you can give, we all do. But I've seen for myself that the moments you are down only help illuminate the way you shine. The world is imperfect, and I could have only hoped to find the one who could perfectly allow me to appreciate that. You are perfectly imperfect, and that makes me love you all the more...

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A Letter to Good Men Everywhere

Gentlemen,
There are unfortunate stigmas out there that revolves around society which tells us that women don’t appreciate good men, that you have to be a jerk if you want to get a woman’s attention, or even worse, the supporting stigma out there is good men are becoming harder and harder to actually find. Because of this, fewer and fewer men are putting in the effort to be "good" because they don’t think their efforts will be noticed. We can easily see how the cycle begins: Men don't think women appreciate good guys, so fewer guys act in this way, causing women to become convinced there are no good men left.

Yesterday I put a status up on my personal Facebook page, it was the following:

"I believe men are understanding that a beautiful face means nothing without a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind. Good, mature, established men are recognizing the value of having a teammate in life. Someone he can take on the world with. Someone he can share ideas and discuss life with. Someone who can stand on her own and is with him because she wants him, not because she needs him."

This post stirred up a bit of a discussion. The interesting thing about it was that out of all the comments, only two of them were from men. The rest were from women asking where they can actually find men who think in this way and how men are lacking in this area. I was hoping for other men to step in and back me up, to confirm what I was saying is true and tell the multiple women commenting that in fact we do want to find someone with these qualities. No such luck...

Needless to say, when I write articles and quotes I write them from my own personal perspective. I write from the heart and according to what I really think and believe. In turn, I write on behalf of the good men out there who think and feel the same things that I do. Unfortunately, I am beginning to face more and more challenges from this. Mostly challenges from women, the “where are these men?” comments are not exclusive to this one post. They happen often, any time I write something from the male perspective suggesting that we love and appreciate mature, driven, intelligent women. They happen when I write about how men crave depth and integrity in women. I am frequently questioned by women who possess these qualities but feel eternally unappreciated.

The truth is guys, you’re starting to make a liar out of me. I know I cannot be the only one of us out there willing to voice these feelings on the topic. Men, I know many of you out there feel unappreciated too. I know you have great qualities and are kindhearted, genuine, and giving. So this makes me wonder, are you hiding these traits for fear of putting yourself out there and being unappreciated? Are you just saying you want a teammate in life but in reality just want a woman to follow you around like a puppy dog? The fact of the matter is that good men and women are out there, but they feel as though their attributes go overlooked and therefore stop displaying them to the world. We should never allow someone’s lack of appreciation of us alter our nature. Our value and self worth comes from within, not from the approval of others; that’s why it’s called self worth.

Women want to believe you still exist. They want romance, courtship, chivalry, and respect. They want your love and your loyalty. And they want to give you all of these things in return. Stay strong, stay positive, and stay true to yourself. The right woman will love everything about you that the wrong women took for granted. Stand up gentlemen, the women of the world are looking for you...

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Earning Crazy Chick Status

 

Crazy chicks are a guy's worst nightmare. In fact, many men have built-in crazy radars, letting them spot a single woman who's needy, desperate or crazy a mile away. Ladies, here's some of the weird behaviors that could land you in the nutty bracket, if you're not careful.

1. Telling a guy you like him a little too soon - Women tend to think "future" and think it very quickly. You can picture the day he meets your family, gets down on one knee and the day you get to wear your favorite white dress. Men don't think like this. We rather think, let's just take it one day at a time and see how it goes. If I like her I might stick around if I don't I won't, simple. Telling a man you're madly in love with him before he has the chance to process his thoughts, can put you in the "she intense like full on crazy" bracket.

2. The demands list - Your man must earn six figures, be tall, dark and handsome, live in a metropolitan area, drive a BMW, he must like hiking, biking and having fun (you don't even own a bike). He must get along well with your parents. He must want kids, and you want him to propose within two years of meeting you. He cannot be divorced or have kids. He must know how to take care of you, and know what you want. Whew, sound familiar? Having standards is great, but having an impossible list is not. A lengthy demand list will leave your man feeling miserable and never enough. Be aware that your demand list could be what is keeping you single, and in the cray cray bracket.

3. The danger of being a changer - You found a great guy, but he's not exactly what you want. He treats you well, but doesn’t overly excite you in the bedroom and his fashion sense is a little off. But that's OK, you can fix all of that. Little by little, you start working on improving him, taking him shopping for new clothes, picking the right restaurants for your dates and eventually dictating every single aspect of your relationship. Your man is jumping at your every command, afraid of messing up as your faithful servant. If he drops the ball, then you explode into...you guessed it, that crazy chick.

4. The killer text - You had a great first date. You had a great second date. You like him, and you felt you both hit it off. He's a good person, but now he's starting to get inconsistent and you feel him pulling away. You don’t understand why he hasn't contacted you. So you text him, no reply. You call him, no reply. You just want an explanation so you go to his gym during his workout to get some answers, but he ignores you. Now you send the "killer" text: "Where are you? What did I do wrong? I thought we had something? Why didn't you call me? Can we meet just once and work it out?" No, he's not interested. Move on.

 

5. The obsessive thinking disease - He's on your mind morning, noon and night. You've told everyone that you think you have met "the one". You get really excited when he texts or calls. In fact, you're only happy when you hear from him. Your obsession turns into insecurity, and you start to question how much he likes you, and if he really likes you at all. You constantly wonder about his whereabouts and who he's with. You start questioning everything he says and does. Is that crazy chick behavior creeping in? I would think so.

6. Falling apart in front of him - Women aren't stupid, and neither are men. We know when you like us. Some signs are obvious: You fall apart in front of us. You say dumb things that make us cringe. You laugh loudly at our jokes. The fact that you can't keep it together in front of him makes him want to run away. Your awkwardness is unattractive. It makes you look needy and desperate, and that's not cute.

7. Chasing when he pulls away - If there is ever an opportunity to look desperate it's chasing after a man. Men will never say it, but we hate it. It's masculine energy, and it's aggressive behavior. Men are attracted to the soft, kind, fun energy of a sexy woman. Guys don't feel like they have won the grand prize if the prize just appears without any effort or investment on his part. Men think you're the crazy chick when you chase. For the record, there is a difference between showing initiative and chasing after someone. Learn the difference, for crazy's sake.

There is nothing fun about being branded as a crazy chick just from a few innocent acts that got a little out of control. After all, we're all humans and make the odd mistake from time to time. Don't let that make you feel bad, every woman has a little crazy in her...

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5 Things I'm Taking Into 2015

At this point, 2015 starts year three of the blog. Year two was a fun year, definitely a progress year. I expect year number three to be more of the same, just with some bigger moves to be made. I hope everyone had an enjoyable break or semi-break. I happened to thoroughly enjoy mine, minus a couple of nonsensical events. But what’s a holiday season without those, right? So now we’re in January and the dust is settled. For the fellas, hopefully we can all collectively wipe our foreheads, because we are relationship survivors! We can chill out for now, but not for long. Barring any pending birthdays for the ladies, the next thing up is Valentine’s Day. To some it's the big one, the Super Bowl of relationships! To others, not so much. Nonetheless we are a shade over a month away before dazzling your lady again for another year. Starting the new year, I'm a little bit older and I've learned a few things that I will take with me into 2015: 

Men and women are inherently different - I’ve accepted that men and women will speak different languages on some things. It makes no sense to really be angered by this anymore. I accept how we can be different, I try to be understanding of it all.

Nice guys sort of finish last - Nice guys really don’t finish last. There’s someone out there for everyone. Someone will dig most aspects about who you are. It can take a while, it can take a long while, but these things don’t run on our time. In between relationships, you owe it to yourself to put your energy into bettering yourself and your situation. That positive energy will be rewarded at one time or another. But what won’t be rewarded is complaining about nice guys finishing last. If you run the same play and the defense has figured it out, change the play. It’s that simple.

Good morning texts count - Now I don’t think the success of your relationship hinges on your ability to send a timely good morning text. I do think that good morning texts help. In my early twenties I was horrible at sending those things. I’d get an earful sometimes because someone might not hear from me til maybe 2 p.m. That was just how I was back then. I’m sort of the same way now. I wake up and immediately start getting breakfast, freshening up and getting ready for my day. Many times I’m not really texting anyone. As I got older, I used my morning routine to send my good morning text. It’s a nice gesture that she’ll appreciate. It doesn’t hurt, if you can do it make sure that you do.

There’s nothing like a genuinely funny woman - It’s pretty cliche to say that men appreciate a woman with a sense of humor. We get it confused a bit in my opinion. Sure, a woman can crack a joke from time to time, but a sense of humor is knowing when to crack a certain joke, or getting a joke that maybe many others wouldn’t. If you meet a woman who is genuinely witty, it shoots her stock up way through the roof. As I’ve grown I’ve appreciated women like this even more. They keep things interesting.

Independent thinkers are a must - I’ve realized I have got to have a woman who has her own way of thinking. I enjoy having my thoughts challenged, and I love having good discussion. The moment someone can teach me something new and open my mind up, my interest is peaked. It’s always great when a woman’s looks aren’t the only main attraction.

I could probably go on and on, but you all have lives and maybe some lessons to learn on your own. As you’ve gotten older what lessons and thoughts have you taken away from dating? I’m curious to know. Many of you think you learn things from me, but we all learn something from each other. I’m glad to be back and I’m looking forward to a fruitful 2015. In the meantime, let's grow, work, laugh and listen...

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What I Missed On New Years Eve

A look at the history of the New Year's Eve kiss. New Year's Eve is the last hurrah of the year, the culminating event in a holiday binge of eating, drinking and celebrating. It's a time to don glitzy outfits, reflect on the past, and ponder future resolutions. And then there's the kiss at the stroke of midnight. Whether you ring in the new year watching the Times Square ball drop from your living room TV, or toasting champagne at an upscale nightclub, tradition makes a case for celebrating the new year with people you enjoy. According to English and German folklore, the first person you encounter in a new year (and the nature of this encounter) sets the tone for the rest of the year. A kiss is about strengthening ties you wish to maintain in the future. If a couple celebrating together doesn't take the time to lock lips, it doesn't bode well for the relationship. 

 

For single people, there's a superstition that not kissing anyone brings a year of loneliness…and probably a lot of bad online dating (ok, I made that last part up). Then again, kissing some sleazy random who may or may not have a significant other is worse than kissing no one at all. Passionate New Year's Eve kisses have featured prominently in popular culture. The New Year's Eve kiss at the end of the movie When Harry Met Sally, is the beginning of happily-ever-after for the two estranged friends, and it's just as memorable as the fake orgasm scene at the deli. Harry finally admits he's in love with Sally. "It's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible," he says. Sally's shocked response: "That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you." Too bad we can't all have what she's having. 

I missed the midnight kiss on New Year's Eve, and I felt cheated out of my "When Harry Met Sally" moment. I equate it to fireworks on the fourth of July, the perfect birthday present, and mistletoe over my head at Christmas. I don't know what I was feeling, but this year was different. Maybe the thought of someone wanting to kiss me would've made me feel a little better, but I didn't even get a hint to that even being close to the case. So I was a little blah, but like any other holiday, New Year's Eve can put a great deal of stress on those of us without plus-ones.

 

Mary, 40 from New York, ditched the New Year plans she made with friends because she didn't want to be the one single person in the group. Mary stayed at home where a kiss wasn't a possibility or a threat, and she said she ended up regretting the decision. 

Jason, 34 from Chicago, kept the reveling low-key when he found himself single in December. "I'm not going to go out with some vague hope of meeting someone to end the night with a kiss or more," he said. "It never happens. It just leads to drunken disappointment and a hangover, which is a terrible way to start a new year." 

But even having a significant other doesn't guarantee a romantic smooch at midnight, though many couples aren't even bothered by it. Jennifer, 44 from Oklahoma City, says she and her husband replaced a romantic night out on the town with a family-friendly community event, to be with their three children instead. "Who has time for New Year's Eve kisses or money for a babysitter?" she said. "My husband says the New Year's Eve kiss is so passé because we're too tired to stay up that late." Jennifer shared a New Year's kiss with all four loves of her life, even when it didn't happen when the clock strikes twelve.

This relaxed, flexible approach seems to be the key to enjoying New Year's Eve, whatever your relationship status. Celebrate with loved ones in an environment that makes you feel safe and comfortable. The midnight kiss isn't so different from a New Year's resolution, and despite your best intentions, you probably won't pull it off perfectly, if at all...

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