What She Looks For In Men

A woman doesn’t want much from a man. Believe it or not, she likes to keep it simple in this area. Here are four simple, yet profound, things she wants in a life partner. Although these qualities can sometimes be hard to come by, they are qualities of which every man is capable of doing. These four things are not out of any man’s reach, yet the fact is that most lack at least one. There are plenty of men who are sufficient in each of these categories, not perfectly, but sufficient enough to make a woman incredibly happy. At the end of the day, to a woman, that is all that matters, right?

1. Honesty - A woman doesn’t want a man to lie to her when it comes to important matters. She wants him to be upfront and honest, holding nothing back. She wants to be an important part of his life, in fact, the most important part. She wants to know the things that are going on in his life, and she wants him to have trust in her. As far as she is concerned, his life is her life. On the other hand, she doesn’t want the truth in all circumstances. Brutal honesty isn’t wanted. She wants him to be honest, but not too much. She also doesn’t want him to feel that he has to lie, because when that is the case, it usually means that he was stepping out of line, making poor choices and mistakes. So when she asks the beloved question, “how do I look?” be sincere and let her know she is beautiful. Honesty doesn’t have to be brutal, but it does have to be sincere. Keep it light. While lying is not the goal here, picking your battles is. Starting "World War III" at the dinner table doesn’t make for a very good meal, or time afterwards.

2. Caring - Guys, your woman needs to know that she matters to you. While you may show this in some ways already, just know how important it is for her to feel like she is important to you. Generally speaking, to be cared for means not to go at it alone in this life. Most people are forced to care for themselves, and the truth is that it’s a lot more difficult than people would want to admit. She wants you to be there for her to help share her burden. This may sound a bit silly, but she wants you to make her life a little easier. She may not want an answer to her problem at that very moment, but simply an ear to listen. In this situation, there’s only one thing to do: Oblige her. Showing that you care and are interested makes her feel loved. The upside of this is knowing she will be there for you when your time comes.

3. Security - This is both financially and literally. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a millionaire. Well, for some women, you may very well need to be, but hopefully you’ll end up with one who admires the qualities it takes for you to become a millionaire rather than money alone. In general, the right woman will love you for you, but she does need you to make her feel secure. She wants to feel that you will protect her from physical and emotional harm. Most importantly, she wants to know that you’ll defend her and keep her safe, healthy and comfortable. If ever out in public and the occasion warrants, defending her is top on her list. Does she need you to keep her safe? To bring home the bacon? No. But she’d like you to be able to do so if necessary, regardless if she makes more money than you. To her, that’s not important because you all are a team. She’ll have your back just as much as you’ll have hers.

4. Loyalty - Call it ego or feeling yourself, but we all want to feel special. No one wants not to be liked. We want to feel unique and better than the rest. By nature we can be competitive, both men and women alike. Women want a man who sees the world in her. Her and only her. She wants to be the only woman he has eyes for. She knows she’s not the most beautiful or smartest woman in the world, but she doesn’t need to be. She just wants you to think, and know that she’s the most beautiful and best woman in the world for you. She needs you to think she is the greatest thing that ever happened to you. She wants to be the best for you, and she wants a man who will give her that title.

Honesty, caring, security and loyalty. All of these traits can make for the quality man she is looking for. I'll be wrong if I'm wrong, but I doubt my wrongness when it comes to being wrong about this...

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Ladies, You Can Put A Ring On It Too! (Guest Blogger)

I was looking for stories of niceness that I could dig into like I plan to dig into my Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, when this email came to me. Once I read the story of proposal to engagement to marriage that Anna Rosenblum Palmer wrote, I had to share it with you because my search for niceness at that point was clearly over...

Our proposal was a modern day fairy tale, which means there is no tale to tell. Wrapped in each others arms, feeling the thrill of this day and many more stretching in front of us, we talked about how we should fill our deliciously empty Saturday. “What about looking at engagement rings?” one of us asked. “Sounds good” the other replied, and that was that. As newlyweds, people would ask to hear our engagement story hoping for a hike or helicopter-ride, a ring baked into a cake, or a my tearful surprise as he knelt down as we stood atop a skyscraper. We had none of that drama. 

Instead of sharing our engagement story, we would shift the topic by offering a description of our wedding. In the finest humble brag style, we detailed how twenty of our favorite people gathered in our lakefront living room. Dressed in sweaters to fight Vermont’s November chill, we read together our top ten list of joint vows, after which Steve, my newly minted husband, stomped on a wineglass in Jewish tradition despite a foot fast asleep from our 115-pound dog having spend our entire ceremony lying on it. We celebrated with bagels and mimosas, and called it a day. From start to finish the event cost us less than $3,500, a number which dwarfed that cost of our engagement rings. Yes, you read that correctly, rings.

As we walked to the jeweler holding steaming mugs of coffee, we talked about the double standard of the engagement ring, and how the moment he placed one on my finger I would be marked as his property, while his hands would continue to imply that he was on the market. Historically, engagement rings were given as a promise to and an insurance policy for, the future bride. If she was left jilted at the altar, the ring stayed with her as a consolation prize. Given the burden of her extra X chromosome, she would obviously never be able to support herself, so the man she had expected to provide for her could in the very least provide her with the value of the ring to live on for a while. Despite my disgust for the history of it, my politics did not outweigh my materialism, and we continued down the brick road towards the ring store.

 

It took less than 10 minutes to select my locally-made platinum ring with a channel-set, square-cut diamond. Since we still had a day to fill, we decided to shop for Steve’s wedding ring at the same time. He found himself drawn to a simple platinum band. As the jeweler slipped a sizing circle onto Steve’s ring finger, my almost fiancé used his middle and pinkie fingers to twirl it around, the sizing band spinning as quickly as the thoughts in his head. “Can I keep this?” he asked the jeweler. “What?” the jeweler answered in surprise. “I’d like to keep this. I want an engagement ring too.” “It’s on me.” I added generously.

Of the four rings we purchased that day, mine were certainly the most expensive, but Steve’s engagement ring was the most valuable to us both. As we left the shop, I hid my thrill with an apology. “I’m sorry I didn’t offer you much of an insurance policy. I don’t know what you’ll be able get for it if I stand you up and you need to use it to support yourself.” “Doesn’t matter,” Steve answered brusquely, “I’m pretty sure we don’t need an insurance policy.”

 

So we have an ending to befit the modern fairy tale that was our courtship. We do live happily, and we will see about ever after. Each night as Steve turns out his bedside light, I look over and see his engagement ring sitting on his bedside table. Although we didn’t need an insurance policy, it turns out that we had one all along.

You can send your stories of niceness to me anytime at myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com

 

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It Wasn't Meant For You To Go Back

It is never easy to walk away from someone you love, but living in a toxic relationship is not healthy for anyone. The break-up, get back together, break-up again syndrome leaves few happy and most with a broken heart. Understanding why this vicious cycle has a stronghold on so many is an answer most don’t want to face. It seems as if the comfort of complacency far outweigh the potential reward of stepping out into the unknown. 

Last week's blog mentioned that I would start letting you in on the more personable side of me, so here goes. I once had someone that loved very much, and it was a big decision for me to finally end the cycle; I invested a chapter of my life into that relationship. I’ve invested time, energy, and significant piece of my heart.  We were so happy in the beginning, and I once felt like if only I could go back to the way it was, that in itself would fix everything. Through my own lessons, I’ve created seven reasons why you can never go back to the way it was. 

You are not strangers anymore. The beginning is just that, the beginning. Now that you’ve been around the block together, you know each other too well. You know what makes each other tick, you know how to push each others buttons, and you know how to get what you want. In the beginning, you were just strangers. You were two people falling in love, and the good fight was easy. Strangers don’t know what they are getting themselves into, you do. 

You cannot erase history. Too often we confront big issues at face value and then decide it is not worth the effort to work through those problems, so we dismiss or ignore them. You can try to convince yourself that you don’t care about what has happened in the past, but when you brush those things under the rug, they always find their way back to the surface.

The honeymoon stage is just a disguise. Getting back together is going to be full of emotions. You missed each other, you longed for each other, and you decided to forget all of the reasons you broke up in the first place. This feels like the honeymoon stage all over again, and it feels great, but the truth is that it will not last. Once it fades, you are going to find yourself back in the same place you were before.

You are still the same people. It does not matter how much time has passed, your reflection in the mirror is still the same. You have the same DNA, the same qualities, and the same characteristics as the last time you gave it a go. You have to be honest with yourself; you are still the two people who decided at one point this relationship is not worth the effort anymore.

You have already gone there emotionally. Being vulnerable is not an easy thing to do. You did it, you invested a piece of your soul into this relationship, and you took it back when you walked away. You know the highs, and you know the lows. The highs weren’t enough to keep you before; they won’t be enough now. You have already survived the low, so when “the fit hits the shan” (you can interpret that for yourselves), your first thought will be to cut the cord. 

You are human. We weren’t designed to live life pressing the rewind button. You can try to go back to the beginning, but all you are going to find are the same issues and the same problems you had the last time. You don’t grow or progress by doing the same thing over again. You grow and progress by moving in a forward direction and only looking back to see how far you have come. 

Everything is in timing. People come into your life for a reason, and people leave your life for a reason. Some are meant to stay, and some are meant to teach you something. You can only force something that is not meant to be for so long. You have to remember that you broke up for a reason, take this opportunity to learn from it and be better off in your next relationship.

One thing many people fail to consider when they get caught up in the cycle is that they will never be able to get that time back. Sometimes the most difficult decisions in life come with great reward. If you want to truly find your person, you have to let go of what is holding you back…

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A New Level Of Lessons

These journals from 2010 is where it all started. I can admit that some of the entries I wrote about were parts of my life that were incredibly embarrassing, and I wanted to put my head through a window whenever I read them. I decided it’s time for me to start sharing them with you guys so that you can learn from my dumb mistakes. Today, I want to share one of my more painful experiences with life, dating, and what I did about it. I had to learn some serious lessons about myself and women when I first started getting into the dating world.

It took me several years to learn how understanding and improving my value could affect my confidence and improve my relationships with women. When I first set out to become a better man (and yes, men have to SET OUT to be better or else they never will), I was focused on tricks and tactics. I thought if I knew the right things to say to a woman, then I could get her to eventually fall for me. Well, that didn’t work. It was very challenging going from the shy, depressed me to the guy who changed by believing in himself and learning there are a lot of opportunities in the world. Not only in dating, but a lot of opportunities in all facets of life. Reading my journal reminds me of the struggles I went through:

• The pain of feeling lonely. Laying in bed at night wondering if I would ever get this part of my life handled.
• Getting rejected and screwing everything up when it came to talking to women.
• Trying to find what it meant to “just be myself” around women.

When I talk to other men about their struggles with meeting women, I am reminded of the same things I went through. At first, it started out with a lack of confidence. I thought maybe there were tricks or tactics I could do to get past my fear. I would try to rationalize away my fear, or use liquid courage to numb the emotions. Turns out, I wasn't the only guy that felt this way.

I learned that emotions don’t know time, or situations. That’s why even though I would feel confident some days talking to friends and strangers, I would still get crippled with fear when I saw that attractive woman somewhere that I wanted to talk to. Gaining confidence felt like a roller coaster ride. Some days I would wake up and wonder, “Is today one of those days where I’m going to feel confident and on top of the world, or will I be too afraid to look at myself in the mirror?” My progress felt sporadic. “Shouldn’t figuring this out be easy? Why can’t I just figure out all of this dating and attraction stuff and move on with my life?”

Once I gained the confidence to talk to women, I realized I was getting mixed results on the kind of women I was meeting. I wanted to meet a woman who was super smart, fun to be around, and valued herself. Why then was I meeting women who were only half interested, and not finding someone who was awesome?

After six years of trying everything, I feel like I figured a lot of it out, and it’s time for me to give back. I am going to put everything I’ve got into helping people grow. We are going to start by taking a look inside ourselves (mentality, emotions, value, confidence), and move outward (how to be attractive, where to find smart, healthy women).

Stay tuned...

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THE Biggest Complaint From Women

Ever since I started telling people I write about dating, people started telling me their stories. Women especially give me the low down at a more comfortable rate than men. I ask women what guys do right and wrong as it relates to dating and attraction. Above all, what I hear the most is:“I wish he would just talk to me.” She doesn't mean talk to her with the cheesy, sappy, creepy pick-up lines that make every woman's flesh crawl. She means that time you held the door open for her and made eye contact and smiled, she wishes you would have said something. She means at the coffee shop when the barista dropped a coffee cup and made a joke to ease the tension. You and the woman next to you looked at each other smiled and laughed, but she wishes you would have extended the moment and introduced yourself.

Opportunities present themselves every day. It’s just a matter of whether you’re willing to take advantage of them or not. And yes it’s scary to say something, it’s a risk. I know you think it’s frowned upon to talk to a woman you don’t know in public. I know you think you might say something dumb and ruin everything, and I know you think you need the perfect line to say or to charm her and make her laugh.

You aren’t required to have all the right things to say. All you need to do is say hello. “Hey, my name is Delvin, I’d love to get to know you more. Would you be up for getting coffee sometime?” The problem is, our analytical brain stops us. It wants to control, protect and keep us in line. It reminds us of the little bit of fear that lives in the corner of our mind, that wants to rise up and become the overgrown and overbearing voice in our head, but the attraction we feel for her has it’s own agenda sometimes.

It reminds me of a short rhyme that has stayed with me for more than 20 years now:

Two souls live within my chest

One is happy, and the other is vexed

One I love, and one I hate

But it's the one I feed that will dominate.

 

Which one are you going to give the power to? Talk to her...

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When A Man Feels Alone...

3:04 am... This is usually the hour when your mind processes years of rejection. Never fitting in growing up, low self-esteem at the lunch table in middle school. Punched holes in the wall and tears on the pillow case. You analyze how you could have texted that girl differently who stopped responding. The day hasn’t even begun, and you’re already exhausted. What’s the point? Why even get out of bed? Why even try when you feel like you’ve been trying your whole life, only to be met by a slap in the face? The easy answer is, “It gets get better.” But what if it has to get worse first?

What if you’re supposed to get rejected 100 more times before you get a girlfriend? What if you have to go on 10 more crappy first dates before you get a second date? Would you still do it? It’s tempting to go for the quick fix. Alcohol, drugs, level another Call of Duty character to 100, look up articles on the internet and go to bed. Lather, rinse and repeat. What does it take for awakening? Where’s our movie scene where our best friend comes in, flips the bed over and tells us it’s time to go out there and kick some ass? Sometimes you get an awakening. Sometimes you have to snap yourself out of it.

In the darkest hour, you still have a choice. For you, maybe that means you go for a walk for 20 minutes today instead of spending time looking at pointless YouTube videos to try to numb yourself. Schedule lunch with a friend; preferably go with someone who makes you laugh. Tell them you are having a hard time getting a date so they can make a joke about it. Sign up for an improv class and learn to get outside of yourself instead of constantly sitting with your thoughts.

Focus on one thing at a time. Anyone can shake off one bad day. But a series of bad days? If you’ve gotten to the point where you think, “I’m going to be alone forever.” Then you’ve had a series of bad days. Trust me, I’ve been there multiple times. To shake off a series of bad days, you have to have a series of good days. A series of good days starts with one good day, and one good day starts with making one better decision than yesterday. That means breaking habits that don’t serve you. Cut out friends who bring you down, put the bottle down, get some exercise, no more soda, start a journal, meditate and think of all the things you are grateful for. Pick one and do that for a week, then pick something else. Lather, rinse and repeat. Over time you’ll discover that you’ve slowly made several better decisions that take the weight off feeling like crap all the time. The time you used to spend sulking in your own misery has been replaced by a workout class. The time you wanted to eat a whole pizza alone and watch reruns has been replaced by going on a walk with your friends.

Build yourself. This isn’t referred to enough in the dating world, but having a life outside of dating is incredibly important. There’s a huge difference between women turning you down when you are healthy, have friends, have a decent job, have fun hobbies and are happy, than when you are depressed and looking for someone to fill the void. The “no” will feel like a light sting if you have your life together, but the “no” will feel like the world is going to end when you are depressed and lonely. So much of dating advice is packaged as, “Say this, do that” because it’s a quick fix. Telling someone to take a look at all the areas of their life and slowly build them up doesn’t sell, and it’s not blogging sexy, but it’s one of the most important parts of being attractive to women.

You’re unique, your fear isn’t. I had a conversation with two friends this week. Both are incredibly lonely in their lives and feel totally lost about what path to take next. One wants to end his life, another keeps moving from city to city to run from their problems. Both mentioned how they feel alone and that their problems are unique. When life sucks, it’s easy to think we’re alone with our problems. I’ve found this is never the case. Sure, maybe your situation is unique but the pain and suffering you are enduring has been had by many before you. Pain is the bonding agent for humans. Pain is why we laugh at comedians. Talking about how we’re going through a tough time is how we connect with people on a deeper level. Have you ever seen a movie where the main character was perfect and had their life together? If you have, that movie probably sucked.

Insanity. A guy I used to work for told me he just spent another $10,000 on equipment to try to save his business. His problem isn’t having more equipment, it’s another issue entirely. Last weekend I went to a local casino for the first time, and saw people so far down in debt they stayed up all night just to try to win it back. I got emails from a few readers saying they spent the last month trying to meet women online and it’s not working. It’s easy to point the finger and say, “I’d never do something like that”, but we all do that. We’re all emotional human beings with hopes, fears and dreams. When we want the pain of a failing business to go away, we’ll blow money left and right to try to save it. When we want the feeling of a woman’s touch, we’ll copy and paste the same message to every match we get online hoping that just one will respond. When our emotions get dialed up, we turn into a dog chasing its own tail in search for nirvana. We start to get delusional, thinking our one approach to the madness is going to solve it all. It’s not our fault everyone else doesn’t understand us. We convince ourselves by saying “If I just keep trying this same thing, eventually it will work.”

Insanity doesn’t end in a pretty way. That’s why it helps to have friends. I know when I start to get really down or sad, I can’t rely on myself. Even when I want to hide in my introverted world, sometimes more often than not, I ask for help. My friends say I’m going to drive myself insane, then I wake up and stop.

Even if you’re in the absolute worst place in your life, you’re still allowed to choose what to do. I remember nights laying in bed loaded on painkillers, thinking about how much I wanted peace. Every day felt like chaos and a colossal waste of time. The only thing I made myself do since that day was put one foot in front of the other each day, every day. It didn’t have to be pretty, and I didn’t need to change the world. I just needed to change myself, and you can change too…

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How To Let Them Fall For You

Intimacy can be downright terrifying. I've had clients over the past few years who have described a sense of fear in allowing someone to see them emotionally. They feared getting close. They feared being comforted. They feared laying their heads down on their partner’s chest because the “what ifs” in their minds wouldn’t quiet down for a moment to let them enjoy themselves. As a personal survivor of a few awful break ups myself, this resistance to intimacy makes complete sense to me. Our minds go to great lengths to avoid repeating past pain. If the script in your mind is telling you “Remember the last time you opened up to someone? It really didn’t end well for you…” then you will have a natural reluctance to opening up to anyone else. But as painful as it might be, you must open up.

For your emotional fulfillment, and that of your partners, you have to learn how to let people in. You can amass a perfect structure of health, wealth and personality, but if it is all a front to keep people at arm’s distance then you won’t ever be truly fulfilled. Maybe there was an awful break up. Maybe someone cheated. Or someone made you feel not good enough, and you’re afraid to let someone in. By learning to choose vulnerability and let someone see you for who you are, you will gain access to a world of fulfillment, joy, creativity, and blissful love. Here are three ways how you can let someone love you deeply.

1. Figure Out Your Emotional Patterns - Everyone has them, but few people are aware of what they are. Maybe you’re a child of divorce. Maybe someone broke your heart. Maybe your parents had such a perfect marriage that you’re afraid that you can’t live up to it. Whatever lies in your emotional past, there’s a good chance that there are a few stones left unturned. Our thoughts and beliefs are largely run by our subconscious mind. It’s called the “Iceberg Effect”. You’re aware of the 10% of the ice that’s above the water line, but in reality, it’s the 90% of the ice that’s hidden from view that runs the show. How do you figure out what these blind spots are? You may need someone to help you with that. Whether it’s a highly attuned and emotionally skilled lover, a therapist, or a specialized coach, some external perspective on your situation is the most effective way to see what’s really running your emotional life.

2. Communication - Once you figure out what your fears and emotional patterns are telling you, make sure you let your partner in on them. Communicate with your partner early and often so that when your “thing” comes up, it isn’t as much of a surprise and you’ll both feel like you have more control over the situation. If words are too difficult to use when you start to feel vulnerable, establish a signal between the two of you that means “my insecurity/fear/thing is coming up right now and I need you to love me through it/be patient with me/give me a moment of space.” There are no hard and fast rules about what intimacy "should" look like so figure out the road map that makes the most sense to the two of you. Make an effort to become experts in loving each other in the way that each of you needs.

3. Let Them Love You When You Need It The Most - There will be times when your fear/insecurity/thing will come up and you will want to push your partner away. This is your shame speaking and it is up to you and your partner to help you navigate these sometimes scary moments. Let your partner help you when you feel at your weakest, they want to help you through your old pain. Shame whispers in your ear “If I let them see me at my weakest, then they’ll find out how unworthy of love I am and they will leave me.” Love says “I can tell that my partner wants to help me right now, and I also want them to help me. So I will let them.” Your partner isn’t turned off by your moment of “weakness”. In fact, being able to let your partner see you in this state actually makes them feel more trusted and close with you. So let them in. You, your partner, and your relationship will all benefit.

Why Is Intimacy So Scary? What we desire the most, we often fear. I want to be loved so deeply and seen so complete by someone that I feel like they can read my thoughts just by looking into my eyes. I also fear that when they find out all of the things I’ve kept hidden from people all of these years that they won’t like what they find and they will abandon me. This just so happens to be my truth in being scared, what's yours?

Just like courage is about acting in spite of your fear (as opposed to not feeling any fear), true intimacy comes from letting someone see you despite your reservations (as opposed to not having any reservations in the first place). Nobody is immune to the fear of letting someone in, and those that deny it’s existence are generally the most firmly entrenched in their denial. Love will always be a risk, but you can either risk letting someone see you for who you are, or you can risk not having ever experienced a true intimacy. If you don’t put yourself out there and make mistakes in life, you will eternally ask yourself “What if I had tried? Who could I have loved? Who could I have been if only I pushed myself that extra step?” So take a deep breath, tell your trusted lover what you need and then have the courage to receive it from them...

relationshiplessons.net 

You ARE Worthy!

Today is a short post, but I've been coming to realizations all week and I thought I'd share a "love nugget" with you today. One of the biggest problems that many people face in their intimate relationships is battling their inner sense of worthiness. That is to say, they don’t feel worthy of love from someone outside of themselves unless certain conditions are being met first. Well guess what, here’s a quick little reminder for you. You are worthy of love, today, right now, in this very moment.

You don’t need to wait until you’re skinnier, stronger, curvier, or bulkier. You don’t need to wait until you’ve hit your ultra-specific financial milestones or levels of career advancement. You don’t need to wait until you’re the perfect friend, partner, parent, or anything else. Your worthiness isn’t dependent on your bank balance, or the number staring back at you on the scale, or whether or not your social media feed looks impressive enough. Even if you have an active addiction that you’re working through, or you still have issues with your parents that you wish you didn’t have, or your life is kind of a hot mess right now and you feel embarrassed about it. You are still worthy of love.

In fact, it is often when we feel we deserve love the least that we need love the most. Think back to any time in your life that has passed. Think back to when you were 5 years old, or 12, or 23. Can you honestly look back on any of those versions of yourself and confidently say “That old version of me definitely didn’t deserve love?” Of course not. All of those iterations of you deserved love, just like this one today deserves it. So let go of your arbitrary rules, goals, and prerequisites that you allow to get in the way of your inherent worthiness and lovability. You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you exist. I don’t know what relationship battle you are fighting in your life today, but I am proud of you for fighting it. Keep going, and keep deserving!

relationshiplessons.net

I'm The Expert On Being Imperfect

When people find out what I do for work, they tend to assume a few things about me...

“You talk about relationships? You must be like the perfect boyfriend, right?” 

"What a fascinating job. I guess you and your girlfriend never fight, right?” 

“You’re basically a therapist for intimate relationships. You must be married, right?”

I get these questions on a weekly basis, and the underlying assumption is that in order to help people with any area of their life, you have to have flawlessly mastered the area that you’re advising on. Well, it’s time to burst some bubbles and sign my name on a reality check. I’m not perfect, no one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. These days, I’m probably a better relationship partner than I ever used to be. I’m kind, compassionate, loving, and a world class listener. All of the things that I believe come along with my counselor-type brain, but I will never feed into the idea that I am a perfect person or a perfect relationship partner. 

I am not perfect. Here is my truth; I get triggered like everyone else. I have fears, insecurities and areas where I feel I fall short in my relationships. I unconsciously do things for external validation to overcompensate in areas where I was once told I was deficient. I work hard to keep up to examples that my parents who've been married for 55 years set. I also make a concerted effort to avoid doing other things that I've seen my parents who've been married for 55 years do (if that makes any sense). I can have abandonment issues, I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, and I have to proactively invest in my self-care or else I’ll go into my workaholic man-cave. I am human. I’m a big, messy, complex set of character traits and personality quirks, and in no way do I think that it serves my readers or my clients in pretending that I have everything all figured out.

The reason why I have connected with so many readers in such a short amount of time on the radio, on the blog, on social media, either face to face or by phone is that I make no bones about the fact that I am right here in the trenches with you. I am a work in progress, and I always will be. I don’t hand out pearls of wisdom from atop an ivory tower somewhere, I’m battling through my emotional demons every day. I’m getting my hands dirty in the relationship trenches, just like you are. I’m going in first in this battle before I write any of these lessons for you to read. This is who I am, and who I always will be.

No relationship is ever perfect. It serves no one when people feed into the perception that they have a perfect relationship. YES there are some relationships that are strangely high functioning, compared to the majority, and I had the insanely good fortune of being raised in a household where I saw multiple examples of long-term loving marriages of several decades. The truth is, every couple fights (which is totally healthy). Every couple compromises (also totally healthy). Every couple frustrates each other with seemingly trivial bickering on almost a weekly basis until they grow out of it. This is just life as we know it to be, but the life no one is willing to admit. We’re all humans. We’re all a messy, complex set of character traits and personality quirks. To believe anything else is to have an anxiety-producing perfectionist mindset that will make your love life suffer through your expectations of what it “should” be. You’re going to mess up. Your partner is going to mess up. The magic in your relationship is in the courage that it takes to face it, accept it, and take ownership of those mess up moments.

We are all perfect, just as we are. So if we’re all united in our messiness, and we’re all just trying to love as best we can, then we’re all already perfect as we are right now. We are complete. We are whole. My favorite person has always been (and will always be) the one who is willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the person they see. There’s a difference between feeling like you’re never enough, versus feeling like you are always perfect and yet you can still change. The most empowering mindset I can think of to live by, is when I can say “I am already whole but at the same time, I can still strive for improvement.”

If you’d like to invest in someone who has done their work, in someone who is doing their work, and in someone who will always be doing their work, you can keep reading the blog, keep listening to the radio shows, or keep reaching out to chat with me anytime directly.

My words, no apologies...

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